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Cold Mother - Could that be enough to cause trust issues in an adult?

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MaplePancake

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I am thinking of cold mothers. Could that be enough to cause trust issues in an adult? I can not figure that out. I was not someone who faced years of abuse so it just doesn’t make sense that I would have a hard time trusting people. I just feel that people are not in my corner. I am ok with differences of opinions but l need to know people care about how I am feeling. I was dumped by all my old friends in Junior high. I was viscously gossiped about. My mom thought it was above her pay grade to even offer a word of encouragement. She never ever had any interest in listening to what l had to say. Refused to help me with an older teenage boy who was constantly picking on me. Dealing with me was probably the most tiresome part of her day. I could be in tears and her facial expression would be completely blank. So I really would like to trust people more. I wonder if my relationship with my mom could partly explain my shortcomings in that area
 
In my experience/observation, pretty much anything can cause trust issues… the major difference between causes are the types of trust issues that develop from them.

So, cha. Not only does your relationship with your mom explain the origin of not feeling like people are in your corner, but? It also gives you a really great blueprint for how to start working on those areas. We don’t have to know where an issue comes from, in order to start countering it, but it sure helps!
 
I have similar issues with my mother. She has always been very sweet and kind, but only up to a certain emotional point at which she shuts down. I read an enlightening book, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", and it really helped put a lot into perspective. If people are not taught how to engage properly with emotions, like my mother, they will either shut down or dismiss your emotional state. As a species we are innately driven to express difficult emotions as a way to gain comfort and support from our community. So if that support is not received, it short circuits our ability to understand what appropriate emotional engagement is and thus we lose touch with how to engage with our community. It can take ages to relearn the mental pathways that allow us to trust that others can respond to us with compassion. But we also live in a culture that often treats emotions with contempt which adds another layer of complexity to learning how to trust. Not everyone is trustworthy, so it becomes increasingly important to find your intuition and build community with people that have shown they can be relied upon. Of course, it is also important to remember that everyone will make mistakes and do things that feel like a betrayal of trust. But those that are able to own up to it and not gaslight or dismiss you if you bring it up are the ones to keep around.

Hope that helps! 💛
 
Yes, yes, and yes.

It took me many years to remove the guilt and embrace the anger from being emotionally neglected. It very much creates its own form of trauma, even when our mothers don’t intend to harm us (it’s a shame spiral of its own, I’m sure).

I tend to think people (mainly women) are trying to belittle, bypass or control me due to my mom’s behaviors.

This may or may not help (I just said “I hate advice” myself so grain of salt!) and reading about “the mother wound” has been helpful for me personally. There’s articles that share how it can be intergenerational, highlighting it’s not a “blame game” thing as much as to be addressed and we are breaking the cycle by addressing it in our own paths.

Much love and thanks for sharing this. It helped me, as well. 💫
 
Not everyone will get PTSD, thank god, but some people are more susceptible to it. I think my family of origin definitely contributed to my trust issues. The responses you all gave were really validating which is what I needed. Long, long before I experienced my big T trauma I got treatment for depression. This was back in high school. But I always felt that my treatment team wasn’t getting me. My psychiatrist never acknowledged that the relationship I had with my mother could be problematic. She just told me that parenting is a tough job.
l eventually relocated to a different town. Tried a new therapist. I have an older brother who was physically (never sexually) aggressive towards me. I know sibling violence can be normal, but sometimes it isn’t. I told her he used force to physically dominate me and this continued until he was in his early twenties. She smiled and replied that that sounded like a typical sibling relationship. After about two or three months of listening to me but never offering feedback or homework suggestions or anything she recommended I quit therapy. I guess she didn’t think I had anything to say worth listening to. Story of my life starting with my dear old mom.
 
Not everyone will get PTSD, thank god, but some people are more susceptible to it. I think my family of origin definitely contributed to my trust issues. The responses you all gave were really validating which is what I needed. Long, long before I experienced my big T trauma I got treatment for depression. This was back in high school. But I always felt that my treatment team wasn’t getting me. My psychiatrist never acknowledged that the relationship I had with my mother could be problematic. She just told me that parenting is a tough job.
l eventually relocated to a different town. Tried a new therapist. I have an older brother who was physically (never sexually) aggressive towards me. I know sibling violence can be normal, but sometimes it isn’t. I told her he used force to physically dominate me and this continued until he was in his early twenties. She smiled and replied that that sounded like a typical sibling relationship. After about two or three months of listening to me but never offering feedback or homework suggestions or anything she recommended I quit therapy. I guess she didn’t think I had anything to say worth listening to. Story of my life starting with my dear old mom.
It is so frustrating when you can't find a good therapist. It took me years to accept that I needed help from a professional. I've learned not to stay too long if they are invalidating, dismissive, or not willing to dig deep. Some will things in a manner that think is helpful, but invalidating. I don't think they meant to, but it had me tryimg to really understand why we weren't compatible. I realized that with my type of sexual abuse that cannot open up to a man like I could a woman for the simple fact that I went through what I went through. I know it's not fair to have a bias, but when it comes to being vulnerable, I kept getting hung up emotionally, like automatic. I had only had male therapists up until that point and I requested to be transferred to a woman to see if that would make a difference. It was the best decision I made. I knew it was time to go when 1 I wasn't getting anywhere and 2 felt emotionally stunted or stagnant before during and after session. There were no hard feelings. I simply explained why I thought I couldn't get anywhere and he totally understood. Idk if this is helpful, but I guess my point is little by little after each therapist, I am able to define better what I want in one. I try and learn all I can from each one, take what's useful and leave what's not, and move on until I finally found one I click with. My guard is down and I can dig deep with this one. I know it's very difficult to make the move. You may be afraid of what they may think or feel, but when it comes down to it, you've got to do what's best and what feels right for you. But if it's a case where you don't want to go back, like if it just feels off, just don't go back. It's a lot like fishing. Sometimes if you catch the wrong one, you've just gotta throw it back and try again.
 
Oh yeah, a cold parent that witholds affection can definitely send you out into the world with feelings that nothing good awaits you. On the other hand, a purposely maliciously abusive parent can send you out into the world to find that the mess you left behind was far from normal and things are going to be better than you had ever dreamed.
My personal nightmare parents probably had little to do with my trust issues this late in my life, when i left home i found friends and acceptance easily and was probably in fact too trusting of others, but without traumatic results.
Sometimes a lack if trust is brought about by a keen awareness of how untrustworthy most of the people we share this society with, pounded home by exposure to example after example of how trust leads to disappointment and loss.
Of all of the maladaptive crap my parents tried to put in my head, a lack of trust might have actually been useful, but it was a lesson i learned on my own and not their….fault?
 
I requested to be transferred to a woman to see if that would make a difference. It was the best decision I made.
Very strongly agreed.

I happen to be in the opposite camp, I work infinitely better with male therapists than female ones.

And it is one of the fastest & easiest shortcuts I know of, in finding people to learn from.

The nuances of why I work with some people better than others? (Whether it’s male/female, or any other trait?) Can be a topic in therapy looooong after I’ve dealt with more pressing issues. Or on the 12th of Never. 😉 In the meantime? I have far more pressing issues to deal with. I save sucking it up for differences in personality, preference, etc. for situations I have no control over. Instead of situations I have total control over. Like the people I choose to hire to help me with the most intimate aspects of my life.
 
I know that it is a bit child like of me but I do tend to elevate therapists in general. Maybe it comes from a desperate sense of wanting to be heard? It is good to get a reminder that they have different strengths and sometimes it takes a while

In fairness to my healthcare team, I think I probably was a harder case to treat as my family issues were not about trauma or abuse but fairly covert. The word “toxic” seems to be everywhere. I know it is kinda a pop culture thing at this point but I wonder if it will have more therapists learning how to treat relationships that, while not actually abusive, were not healthy either
 
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