Cold Possible Future Step Mother

[Pufara]

My dad got a letter in the mail from someone who is interested in purchasing the property we live on. If he were to sell it, we would end up moving to his girlfriend's property (and by that time she would be my stepmom). I would have to have a car and would be living in a separate space from them though close by. I don't really want this deep down but i won't say no because i don't want to be homeless. I secretly don't like the possibility of having to deal with my dad's girlfriend on a daily basis.

Anyways, I don't like my dad's girlfriend. She is cold, distant, and every time i have tried my hardest to extend respect and compliance with her every wish, she has only just seemed to take it for granted. There was one time where she was having a summer party for some guests in the family and she was injured slightly so she couldn't lift heavy objects. I gladly (on the surface) set up the bulk of the party furniture for her. She ordered me around kind of like the stepmother from Cinderella. It didn't feel good but i kept my mouth shut and pretended (for my dad's sake) I'm used to feeling like Cinderella because my own mom treated me even worse than that.. I am used to humbling myself keeping my mouth shut and obeying orders.

Another time, i tried to have a conversation with her at a restaurant with my dad there (you know, to try and be amiable for my dad's sake,) and she just put her sandwich in front of her face so i couldn't see her face and gave one word replies to my attempts to have conversation. ok then...
Recently she invited me to a bible study that ended up in disaster for me. I left every single bible study session (i left after number3) in miserable tears and panic. The women in that study basically used the time to just gossip about other people and complain about their families and not really study the bible. I felt tricked. I am intimidated by older women. One or two of them gave me decent advice, but i felt like they were trying to extract as much information out of me about my past as they could and i didn't feel comfortable with it.

Needless to say, i didn't give out much information. This frustrated them and they said that it was "not godly" to be so closed up about one's life. What bull. Then when dad's gf would try to give me "advice" in front of these other women, it wasn't directed at me but her hand gestures were pointing in my direction, and her advice came off as cruel and critical. (I don't have a car or job yet, but i do a LOT of work around the house for my dad and i am NOT lazy and almost NEVER complain about chores. I am looking for work and i have my learner's permit to practice driving. I have the will to get on my feet and my dad knows this. I have only stopped contact with abusive mom for two years.) She kept saying things like " people have to be independent in this life and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps blablah/ can't rely on your parents forever, when i was young i did all this and that blablah, my kids are so independent blablah".

I left that "bible study" and never looked back. I feel so unacceptable to her. My self esteem is already pretty darn low and i don't need her to make me feel worse about myself. I feel like she thinks im a loser because i am not as successful or independent like her kids are. whatever. I don't tolerate ANYONE telling me what to do with my life or how to live my life except for my dad. He is supportive of me to an extent, but he wants to marry her and i don't want to think about it. I am terrified of snapping at her or causing some kind of conflict. I think it was a MIRACLE that i didn't explode at that bible study. I basically shut down, got real quiet, plastered a fake smile on my face, and went into freeze mode because if i made a sudden movement or if anyone would have asked me a question, i would have done something really stupid. I am not fond of her or her family. i don't feel accepted by her even though my dad says she cares about me. she has never shown it except buying me self help books which i can find on my own. i go to therapy anyways.

Soooo if you're still reading this, what advice can you give me? Have you ever been in a situation similar? I don't think i will have any problems being civil /respectful /nice to her as long as i don't have to be around her for a long period of time. I just wanted to express my frustration here because i don't know who else to talk to about it.

 

[Sohoj]

I've been in the same exact position as you, as a matter of fact. Seriously, every detail but the bible study, she's not religious so the gossip took place elsewhere. You sound pretty young, I was about 16 when step-monster hit the scene as a girlfriend. She married my dad and took over the house when I was 18. I'm not sure what exactly you want the advise on, but I can tell you right now, what ever boundaries you dont set now, you'll have to live with forever. If your polite and tip toe around her and ignore her gossip, she's going to expect that from you until you're 50. The passive aggressive remarks about not being independent are going to get worse. I suggest you ignore all of it until you can leave, and dont leave until you're really ready. Ignore them, you have to start your life when you can do it well, dont let anyone make you feel like a loser and push you into it. I hope that helps.

 

[Pufara]

I've been in the same exact position as you, as a matter of fact. Seriously, every detail but the bible study, she's not...

Thank you, yeah i am 26 still kinda young i guess. I think i will just keep ignoring her and avoiding being around her as much as i can. I think she just wants me out of the picture so she and my dad can get married and retire or something, but i don't want to be alone away from my dad because he's all the family i have left really... I appreciate your excellent advice and i will continue to press on in my own pace. I think it will all be OK if i keep using the tools my therapist gives me and staying positive as much as possible. thanks again :)

 

[Tai]

i am 26

If you don't mind me saying so, your first post reads as someone much younger to me. That's not a criticism, it's very common for those of us with abuse in our childhoods to sometimes respond to situations from the 'child' part of ourselves, and I wonder if that isn't playing a part in the relationships with your dad's partner and your dad.

When I say 'part', I don't mean in the DID sense. I mean that something about the current dynamics may be putting you in the roles of child and parent, when actually, you are all adults here.

My T recommends stopping and checking with myself whether I am reacting from a child perspective, or responding from an adult one. That we can't really set out to change other people, but that choosing to change and to communicate more from adult ourselves, often draws people to doing the same.

It sounds like a frustrating situation to be in, but at the end of the day, your dad has chosen this woman to be a part of his life. It's up to you to choose, as an adult, how much of a part she plays in yours.

 

[Gevace]

My dad got a letter in the mail from someone who is interested in purchasing the property we live on. If he were to sel...

I feel the same way. its like nothing is never enough. They just want to milk you dry. Do what you want to do because in the end you can't please her.

 

[Namuzab]

If you don't mind me saying so, your first post reads as someone much younger to me. That's not a criticism, it's very com...

It makes sense what you are saying. My inner child never really had the chance to grow, express emotions, and explore safely so i am trying to play catch up in many ways. This is something my therapist tells me often. My dad sometimes treats me like a child and it really frustrates me. I mean, when i interact with my dad's gf, i feel like choosing NOT to snap at her is being very adult, but i know it is much more than that. All i ask for is my family to listen to me and give me some space to develop that inner child and not to look down on me for attempting to do so. I don't even know how to go about developing that inner child sometimes. It is just an ongoing process and i don't always know what im doing, but my dad loves and supports me as best he can. He knows (because i told him so) that i will continue to do everything in my power to make my interactions with his gf as positive and cooperative as possible.

 

[Ihewo]

I would have to have a car and would be living in a separate space from them though close by. I don't really want this deep down but i won't say no because i don't want to be homeless. I secretly don't like the possibility of having to deal with my dad's girlfriend on a daily basis.

Most people, ultimately, move out on their own. It's generally considered to be a good thing.

 

[Takakam]

So the dynamics between a minor child and a step parent and an adult child still living in the home and a step parent are very different.

As an adult child, no matter what, there is a level of respect that must be there as, afterall, they are letting you live there, rent free. No matter how much of a bitch she is, she is your dad's GF and you must respect that.

I did not get my driver's licence until I was 21 due to my mom & step dad not allowing it. That's over due to have. Ask someone to teach you how to drive, get your licence, save up money from a job and buy a car. You need to have a job. At least one. Its free loading when you dont. Spend more time looking for a job than you would working one.

Pay your dad and his new girlfriend rent. There is a level of respect that she will have if you are paying your way.

Save every dime you can and start planning your move out on your own.

I dont mean to be disrespectful to you and I also have immature emotions that make it seem like you are speaking to an adult and a child at the same time so I get the "parts" but it seems like you are still living at home, free loading, and then complaining.

Like this:

She kept saying things like " people have to be independent in this life and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps blablah/ can't rely on your parents forever, when i was young i did all this and that blablah, my kids are so independent blablah".

Is true.

Be thankful that you can live with them as I had to leave on my 18th birthday, still in high school, struggled to stay on my own while riding a bike to work, to the store, to the laundry mat...everywhere. I worked 3 jobs to make it. Id go out on my bike and the bus and wouldnt come home without a job. Its just what you must do. Any job! Money is money!

It just seems like you arent thankful for what you are being given at 26. You could be homeless.

I really dont mean to be mean or disrespectful. To me, it sounds like teenage angst coming from a 26 yr old.

Im sorry if thats mean. Its not meant that way. Its just how it sounds to me.

 

[Pufara]

So the dynamics between a minor child and a step parent and an adult child still living in the home and a step parent....

I don't really think you understand the situation, and it's ok. I cook for my dad every day, i clean the whole house, and I do volunteer work (even though i live at home right now). My dad is not living with his girlfriend yet. Right now, it is just him and i. I NEVER complain to my dad about any of this or how i feel, and am always very respectful to his girlfriend in our interactions, because i understand that i am not in a position to complain at all. I am actively looking for work and practicing driving at this time. I'm sorry to hear that you had to struggle so much to keep afloat, and i get what you're saying. Emotionally i am still developing and this is something my therapist told me. It's just where i am at right now. I don't think it's wrong to try to use channels like this to vent frustration. I like this website because it is a place not only where people can be free to express themselves, but also to give support. I'm sorry if i offended anyone or triggered anyone in the making of this thread.

 

[Firavi]

I didnt say it was wrong and you are reading in intent where there isnt any.

Freeloading actually had a defintion in the dictionary:

"to get or ask for things (such as food, money, or a place to live) from people without paying for them"

So it is fact that you, as an adult child, are freeloading. Ok. Didnt say that was wrong.

Im 35 and still developing emotionally. Most of my emotions are stuck at 12 and some younger that go to around 7. Still not saying its wrong.

Looking and activetly, spend more hours looking than you would working at that job, is different. Again, not saying its wrong.

At the age of 26, you could have skipped your learners permit and went straight from learning how to drive and a licence. I learned how to drive on open road saftely and passed the driver's test in a week (not saying all can, just saying I did) at 21. Again, not saying it's wrong.

And I am not saying coming on here to vent is wrong either but I think there's a large lack of simple appreciation for what they give you. That's my opinion which isnt fact. But Im entitled to that opinion.

But you can't excuse everything, even if its due to fear. I have a big thing I need to change it and keep excusing due to fear as well so I get it but it doesnt make it any less things that can be changed that are being excused.

 

[Onuvih]

I've been on both ends of this - unwilling stepdaughter to a stepfather who is actually a very nice man, but I suppose I never felt totally comfortable as a step is never really family. So o too left home very young - 17! Too young really. I was totally unprepared for life
I've also been the girlfriend/ potential wife of a man whose adult daughter still lived with him.
It was hard! again, I never felt comfortable
It's good that you will live more separately from your father. That could be a gentle step towards independence. It has to happen one day!!
When you are more independent your relationship with your dads girlfriend will improve. and if you do love your father, it's good to let him give this relationship a chance. You will find a partner of your own one day and life will go on!