Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

littleoc

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Goals for this week (and next):

• Work on 15,000 words
• Work on finding magazines
• Contact the county health department for prices on flu shots, if not free, and also a physical
• Contact my undergrad advisor and professors I was close to for their knowledge on employment opportunities in the right field
• Write a cover letter
• Apply to 2-4 jobs
• Report job and doctor success (success being just doing the tasks) to my case manager
• Try adding yoga in at the end of my nightly routines
• Keep up with daily walks
• Try going to bed at midnight (so I can try out my new insomnia med properly)

I wonder what I should do first. Nothing yet. It’s Shabbat :) Children’s video games for me today :D After I get back from taking Nudge to the vet. He’s doing great btw
 

littleoc

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Also, update about the texts (no you don’t have to read them to get this), I ended up not discussing them with my therapist. I feel utterly guilty about the whole exchange. I feel like I shouldn’t have discussed this with a personal friend. I was triggered, though, and it turns out it was absolutely related to current events.

But my mom was asleep for three days straight. It legit wasn’t her bad that time.

I think deep down I’m worried she’s going to find out about this and think I hate her. I was kind of raised to keep her emotions in mind. Which in many families would be the only thing to worry about, but i also have years of trauma. So it’s significant to my brain in a different way.

My mom’s okay, by the way. We got her off the med that made her sleep that long. Apparently it didn’t even help with the nerve pain!

All moms have a flaw somewhere. There’s a lot of “mother guilt” in the today’s world (and yesterday’s). And I’ve noticed I get mad if I even hear about someone “accepting” abuse if they remind me of my mother at all. Something I gotta work through, I guess. But it is true that I’m having to put up with behaviors that I wouldn’t accept from my ex, a friend, or a roommate. There’s a huge power difference between my mom and I and also some confusion about where that power is. That makes it a lot less okay for some of those behaviors, especially in the past.

I feel bad for “offending her by being anxious.” But the truth is, that’s her being nosy and assuming what I’m anxious about. It’s literally none of my business what she’s thinking about my emotions.

That said, she’s mainly been fine to be around lately. She’s still my mom so of course I’m more tolerant. All the more reason to put some healthy distance between us. Doesn’t mean we’ll never see each other again.

I just feel like I should be stable enough to get her somewhere stable to live. Also a live-in nurse. Also a maid. And I’ll get myself a five bedroom house with a home gym while I’m at it. Just to treat myself.
 

littleoc

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If my mom does have Parkinson’s, it’s not as bad as several things, I guess.

I was sitting here worrying about it all week when suddenly my brain whispered from the back, “Hey, isn’t that a dominate trait? Won’t half her kids get it, too? Won’t you?”

I looked it up. Parkinson’s, not Huntington’s. It’s a recessive trait. Which means my mom is kk, and my dad was either Kk or KK. I hope he was KK. And that my dad was too. And my sister’s dad, too.

My dad’s side seems healthy in everything but mental. Being immigrants will do that to you in this world. A bit too earlier to worry about it, though. I’m more worried about who’s going to take care of her. I’m feeling guilt again. Lots and lots of guilt.

This is all the more reason for her to be looking into long term care. I’m not long term care. I cannot help. Even if that does make me a bad child. I have to be a good adult first.
 

littleoc

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OCD isn’t kicking my ass. But it still sucks.

It says one minute that I need to reduce stress, or I’ll get permanent damage to my body and die of a heart attack. (That’s ridiculous, brain.)

It says I need to stick alcohol in my ears until I’m dizzy to “be sure” I’m not about to get swimmers ear. (Never mind that I haven’t gone swimming in months.)

It says I need to check on my friends every few hours or they’ll die, but I shouldn’t let them know I’m making sure they’re okay or they’ll die.

It’s worried the next minute that I’ve done something that’s poisoned the air, and all my cats and bird and lizard and snake are going to die from it.

Or, better yet, that that poison will somehow explode and set everything on fire.

It’s just ridiculous. How can my brain know so clearly this is all ridiculous and still fall for the same old traps?

I’ve improved, though. I’m no longer using rubbing alcohol to clean my genitals. Or my mouth. And someone lent me a book that’s about OCD, by John Green (Turtles All the Way Down), and it was excellent! Made me see my own progress and also that I’m still not alone.
 

littleoc

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I’m still having a hard time with anxiety. I can’t hardly read things in these forums. I’m back to 2016-me on that front, I guess. And I dissociated at some point and during that time spent $900 on charities. Mostly on children with cancer, men’s domestic abuse sanctuaries and support groups, and animals. Not here, unfortunately :P Might as well now, though.

I’ve got to publish things for a class I’m in. Most magazines only accept never-published things.

I think overall I’m doing excellent. I’m having a lot of flashbacks, sure, but that’s not really stopping me. I do hope they stop soon, though.
 

littleoc

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There was a video on YouTube I was trying to watch about how the Fire Nation in Avatar could have allowed a nation-wide genocide on a peaceful people.

Two minutes in the writer poked in to say that last year he organized an event last year that raised $25,000 for a men’s suicide prevention service. Thinking of men and suicide got me thinking of my little brother. And the blood on the mattress. I got anxious, but I can handle that. I can’t skip around videos in YouTube on my mobile, but the rest of the video would get my mind off of it.

Then he said, “This year we’re going to do even more, but this time, it will be for children in sex trafficking situations —”

And just like that I couldn’t handle another word.

I texted someone and asked them to make a timestamp for me for when it ended so I could follow that link and watch from the beginning of the actual “lecture.”

So, I did figure out a way around it. But I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I can’t tell if that’s rational or not. Which was the misstep? My brain being anxious, or my brain being embarrassed?

At the end of the video, it got really dark and heavy. I’m not sure what I was expecting. It was a video about genocide, even if it was fictional genocide, and it used humor well enough — I suppose it reminded me of my grandfather though.

It’s little subtle emotional responses like this that let me know something’s wrong, but the thing is, I’m not sure why I’m so anxious again. Because, otherwise? I’m doing great. I mean, mostly, anyway.
 

Freida

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So, I did figure out a way around it. But I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I can’t tell if that’s rational or not. Which was the misstep? My brain being anxious, or my brain being embarrassed?
I think this was brilliant. You identified something that bothered you, you skipped past it, and you went to what you actually wanted to see. And you asked for help getting there
So I'm gonna tell your brain it has no need to be embarrassed. It made a good choice 💜 🦄
 
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