Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

littleoc

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Goals for this week (and next):

• Work on 15,000 words
• Work on finding magazines
• Contact the county health department for prices on flu shots, if not free, and also a physical
• Contact my undergrad advisor and professors I was close to for their knowledge on employment opportunities in the right field
• Write a cover letter
• Apply to 2-4 jobs
• Report job and doctor success (success being just doing the tasks) to my case manager
• Try adding yoga in at the end of my nightly routines
• Keep up with daily walks
• Try going to bed at midnight (so I can try out my new insomnia med properly)

I wonder what I should do first. Nothing yet. It’s Shabbat :) Children’s video games for me today :D After I get back from taking Nudge to the vet. He’s doing great btw
 

littleoc

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Also, update about the texts (no you don’t have to read them to get this), I ended up not discussing them with my therapist. I feel utterly guilty about the whole exchange. I feel like I shouldn’t have discussed this with a personal friend. I was triggered, though, and it turns out it was absolutely related to current events.

But my mom was asleep for three days straight. It legit wasn’t her bad that time.

I think deep down I’m worried she’s going to find out about this and think I hate her. I was kind of raised to keep her emotions in mind. Which in many families would be the only thing to worry about, but i also have years of trauma. So it’s significant to my brain in a different way.

My mom’s okay, by the way. We got her off the med that made her sleep that long. Apparently it didn’t even help with the nerve pain!

All moms have a flaw somewhere. There’s a lot of “mother guilt” in the today’s world (and yesterday’s). And I’ve noticed I get mad if I even hear about someone “accepting” abuse if they remind me of my mother at all. Something I gotta work through, I guess. But it is true that I’m having to put up with behaviors that I wouldn’t accept from my ex, a friend, or a roommate. There’s a huge power difference between my mom and I and also some confusion about where that power is. That makes it a lot less okay for some of those behaviors, especially in the past.

I feel bad for “offending her by being anxious.” But the truth is, that’s her being nosy and assuming what I’m anxious about. It’s literally none of my business what she’s thinking about my emotions.

That said, she’s mainly been fine to be around lately. She’s still my mom so of course I’m more tolerant. All the more reason to put some healthy distance between us. Doesn’t mean we’ll never see each other again.

I just feel like I should be stable enough to get her somewhere stable to live. Also a live-in nurse. Also a maid. And I’ll get myself a five bedroom house with a home gym while I’m at it. Just to treat myself.
 
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