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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

It's very weird to me that I'm struggling right now to be honest. I didn't realize how bad it got until my best friend had to ignore part of what I said because I was being depressing lol
I am very ashamed of a recent diagnosis because of stigma and all the times I was forced to hide it by my mom growing up. I was going to start a thread about it in "other disorders" but I was rushed with fear and deleted my efforts.

It's something that has been shown in studies to be influenced by how much trauma one has. And I've never judged anyone else with the diagnosis. But for some reason I'm having a hard time with it anyway. Not because it's about ME (though I don't like talking about myself much, especially in "real life") but because of all the shame and guilt I have for the stress my mom had. Which obviously I'm upset about. I also asked the AI the wrong question about it on accident and it accidentally reinforced my shame lol

I accidentally sat in my car all night until the sun came up, and I'm enjoying the hundreds (used to be 1000s back in the day) of grackles getting together and yelling about flying south. Might go with them 👀 🏖️🌴
I think I need to come back to this diary every so often and make positive reports until I'm more stable. Probably go back to just working on basic coping skills for a while again. Those last few retraumatizing/traumatic events of the last year really ripped me a new one for no good reason 🙄 something about watching a guy kill his pets slowly and painfully through pride and neglect and having to fight for my housing with the same man just kinda did me dirty I guess lol. Mostly upset my best friend is still there, but worried he's not going to want to be here anymore 🤔 not that that's my business, I just really like my friend for some reason :P

Edit to add mild context: the man is Bestie's biological father and he sure. isn't good. Thumbs down 👎 0/10 wouldn't stay there again. Treated my friend the same way as his animals, genuinely shocked my friend is alive and vice versa
I looove grackles!! They used to be all over my city but not so much anymore. The sounds they make are outrageous—clear the brain. And the way they walk, just owning the place and taking up space.

I like your idea of positive reports until feeling stable. Sunrises are sublime for airing out feelings.

Your mom sounds like a collapsed person, sorry you’re in that situation—hoping you can increase the space between you and her, in whatever way possible.

Your conversation with the Dr Catalyst are inspiring me! So outside of the box, artful. I keep trying to think of questions along that same vein but so far no dice, so I just follow along with yours. They way you ask it is helping me figure out how it’s programmed to fill in the blanks. I love how you got it to break its own rules. Reminds me of trickster stuff, healing through play.
Oh! I'm glad they inspire you! Hahahaha. Sometimes you have to use play to learn. :P

And same!!! At some point the grackles were all on the ground together picking up crickets, acorn bits, etc. Then suddenly they all got up and flew away at the same time, and the whooooosh was incredible! 🖤
Sitting here happily with my frozen thawed pizza :)

Said that like it was snake food lol. Gonna try to play some Toontown, feed my lizard, shower, and sleep in time to go to my morning appointment to meet my new psychiatrist/med provider (not sure what she is yet)
frozen thawed pizza :)

Said that like it was snake food lol.
Lol! Had snakes for a number of years. I remember that process of waiting for the mouse to thaw, occasionally forgetting and there’s a lifeless mouse laying on top of the microwave when I came down for breakfast. I wonder why people don’t raise mice for human consumption? I could ask the AI…
😂 Well, don't be too surprised, but I've had mouse before. Not sure what his diet was, but he had a strong, unpleasant flavor from what I remember 😂 Very little meat, also. Very, uh, gamey? So maybe that's why???