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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

So. Reading about you making the connection between your moms mental illness and how its affected your ENTIRE life by forcing you to be the adult, on top of all the horrible things that have happened to you, plus your own disabilities that you have to struggle with has been amazing.

Not wanting to point out your struggles, but pointing out how many things you have been up against for so very, very long and the affects they have had on you. Things that were NEVER your fault

And yet even with all these thing working against you?
You still managed to come out as a loving, kind, amazing person.

Just sayin. 🤗
🤗 🫂 Thank you :)

I'm struggling today so it was really nice to see that ❤️ I hope you're doing well lately

Accomplishments today:
- Made scrambled eggs 🍳 with fried bologna in it. Accidentally burned the balogna but it ended up tasting waaaay better that way, may do it on purpose next time if (when I'm able to wash dishes) the black stains aren't too hard to remove lol
- while the eggs weren't in time for me to give my mom a serving before she had to go back to the ER, my sister (who arrived to take her) did get some. So I did successfully engage with other people today
- depsite having flu like symptoms including skin pain, I hydrated well enough to help with that
- despite the severe exhaustion and depression I have today, along with the skin and joint pain, I've been able to get out of bed to cook at all, and get my doggo, cats who wanted to join, and my cockatiel outside
- I'm just very excited I cooked something 🎉
- I took account of my energy level today and did not try to vacuum or do dishes or clean reptile cages until I passed tf out lol (was difficult to try to resist the urge)
- I got over my dear of taking my asthma medication and inhaled it (I will talk to a doctor later about if switching meds may be helpful for me)

Positives I've noticed so far today:
- I love watching the cats interact, even when one of the 6 of them has a little argument. Señor is wearing a cone on his head (animal bite) and Beanbag is afraid of him when he's conehead and kept hissing and growling at him and doing a very silly spooked-cat pose, especially because he's part Maine coon (makes it look silly when he's afraid of someone who's still pretty little for an almost-adult cat)
- the eggs were good 👍
- my Bestie is still willing to provide assistance for me (is helping with my disability paperwork) (I owe him a ton of money now but he's been consistently supportive and helpful)
- Doggo is excited to be alive 24/7
- Doggo didn't want to be in the room with me while I was crying because she wanted to take a nap and not be on duty, and it made me laugh so I stopped crying
- cuddling with cats
- feeling clean, not hungry, and hydrated
- people are supportive on this website ❤️
- the eczema under my beard is gone
- the house is quiet while I'm home alone with just my animals
- my sister took Madre to the ER this time instead of me, depsite taking her last time as well, and she wasn't rushing my mom this time
- I felt validated on the Internet through others' comments to music, forums, and accounts

Mood check: could be better. Definitely depressed. I was feeling like I had so much potential and that it's been squashed, especially because of the recent diagnosis, and that I've amounted to nothing in a world that has More Bad Stuff™ happening in it. Also felt anxious about the mom thing.

After writing all this out, though, I feel much better. Much more relaxed and like I can actually take my nap now :)

I really struggle with vulnerability in most settings, but being vulnerable seems to be helpful.

Oooo the sun just came out :)

And yeah @Freida, I was just thinking about it this morning too, that it's exhausting to feel like the person that generations of trauma has to rest on. Not that my siblings got out of it, just that most of them got PHYSICALLY out, which seems to help a bit.

My mom's side come from Irish refugees and my dad Soviet Union (modern day Ukraine), and both got hated on in the US for a number of years. So, lots of cycles of abuse, etc. Lots of stuff to get through. I found out about the Irish side recently (there's been some reconnections with other family I wasn't used to speaking to, my mom is autistic and doesn't talk much about history unless I ask very specific questions). I asked the AI for fun what people in the 1910s would be leaving Ireland for, and to my surprise got a number of answers.

So anyway, I assume both sides came to the U.S. hoping to have their kids have better futures....? So it's interesting that sexual abuse ran in both families lol

Don't remember where I was going with that 🤔 but probably something like I wasn't born to put up with all this :P

Anyway, hope y'all have a lovely day :) I'm gonna enjoy some tunes and maybe some snacks. If I have the energy too I'll be around 👀
Something feels off at night and I'm not sure what it is, which makes it hard to work on.

It comes back when when on an increased dose of antidepressants. I guess you could describe it as an emptiness, because things start feeling fake and I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean and no one can reach me and I can't reach them. What is that, derealization?

I did have to talk to my new therapist today and also my new med provider and my new case manager. So I dunno, maybe going over parts of my history briefly and having the doctors act shocked at my past triggered me or something?

Wasn't I like dangerously suicidal this time last month? 🤔

Anyway, things seem good. Getting empathetic responses still makes me uncomfortable :P

I think it's that I still feel stuck and someone asked me about my suicidal thoughts from last month? Like, I've felt stuck and trapped for ages now. And I'm weirded out that I decided to live again. And now it's dark and I'm alone, and it all feels strange and disconnected. I was scrolling for hours on several websites looking for dopamine and not getting any. I'm still bored of the things I need to work on, again. I just don't see the point? Why should I wake up at any time? Why should I have any kind of routine? Shouldn't it be good enough that I'm doing what I can?

I guess the main concern there is I'm now forgetting to eat and drink. I thought I had a perfect memory but it turns out that was my brain overcompensating for some serious brain damage and maybe I haven't been doing anything correctly lol. Neurology noticed I'm "vague" in my speech, maybe because I'm often catatonic. I'm definitely getting quieter and less extraverted, but I guess I tend to go through cycles 🤔
I don't know. I used to try really hard at therapy and do some very good, seriously work, but why? Probably to "get a good grade," and help validate how the therapists felt. To the point of letting one rape me for "sex therapy," though admittedly despite my shame it really turned me on at the time. I hear that's incredibly normal. I always tell the story like I decided to leave that day but I let her mess around for over an hour and she charged me over $300 for the session. I don't think it helped me get over my shame about anything, so I'm pretty sure she wasn't a sex therapist.

Anyway, all I'm supposed to be doing for the next month (monthly visits only because I can no longer afford the gasoline) is routines. Just taking a daily schedule, such as on a white board, and maybe setting timers, to do things like eat and drink water and walk around. I'm shocked I feel so resistant to it and shocked and I'm not even interested in trying or acting like I cooperated with anything. I guess I would have said something about that in session, but I was just ready to leave. Mission accomplished, checked off my list. Let me leave so I can go back to sleep kind of thing, I guess?

When she showed empathy during session, I really shut down. She seems like a perfectly nice woman. She's got celebral palsy (I don't know if I'm spelling it right) which makes me feel less like I'm going to get any kind of ablist responses.

And, if anything, we're not at any trust-building point, and we never have to trust each other ever if I don't want to. All I have to do is tell her my issues like she's an AI and get the answers I might need or some human-level ideas to try that fit my situation.

I guess I'm still upset that my therapist I had for so long, longer than any other, moved on to another facility and then I got kicked out after the second therapist retired after a month lol. Really brought the, uh, trust issues? back up? I'm not even sure what it is. I think I just want a vacation from myself and my problems lol

And therefore it feels shallow to even bother with the scheduling? Or any little baby goal? Especially in a house where everything requires an extra few steps. I don't know. I'm not sure what I'm feeling -- my specialty is knowing how other people feel
At least my new case manager won't be telling me about her after-work anxiety attacks, her double standards with her husband, and her dead dogs + unruly son anymore. These new people all seem incredibly professional and much more forgiving of me being extremely bad at arriving on time (I'm working on it by leaving early)
Three positives from my day:
1. Got to see the neighborhood cat Tiger today (I bathed him recently but he says he feels a lot better) (he is owned by another family)
2. My new team seems friendly
3. Bestie was able to join me and provide some insight I'm unable to provide

Three times I felt safe:
1. Making it to Bestie's
2. Bestie being at my appointments
3. Right now (I'm walking my dog and I don't even have to have her leashed or pay attention to her too hard because she's very good) (I say as I have to call her back from something sus)

A time I felt determined or in charge or something:
I felt determined to make it to my appointments today. I technically missed one of them but they agreed to see me anyway, which I thought was kind
Its almost like I'm emotionally self harmed. Is emotional self harm a coping skill?

I was looking up images and videos of gore to try to see if the people were at peace or not, or to fathom that life isn't fair and that life doesn't always resolve with a happy ending? I don't even want to say that for fear I'm going to upset someone who happens to read this, so I'll just move on to the next reason, which is just being very sure that I'm going to be murdered sometime and that I need to be mentally prepared for it. But watching the videos is triggering, obviously, and upsetting. And I wish I weren't doing it. I guess. I think it helps me cope a little, though the constant exposure to violence isn't great. Only bringing that up because apparently some people have been getting PTSD for having to be moderators who get exposed to this depraved shit.

It makes me feel good to comment on the videos a loving message. I just want to be with the victims for their comfort.

I think today I was triggered by a murder and that's what made me look up these stupid videos again. I wish I had never met my ex and that pedophile, or even my own dad, but I guess in a weird way I'm glad I know where the content exists? Idk. not like you don't run in to it on social media occasionally.

Anyway, a guy on YouTube got murdered by his friend he made who was just some psychopath looking for a thrill kill, and he turned the stabbing into a 1 hour snuff film, according to sources. A really, really nice man. Just not fair. He mentioned in his second to last video that he recommended you go places with a trusted friend who's got your back. He talked about how he had his friend's back, even in life threatening situations, because that's what good friends do.

His friend stabbed him at least 127 times for being "annoying" within the same month. Just awful. Awful reminder to make sure your friends are looking out for you, too, because knowing them for 2 years isn't good enough. People can just be hiding shit. Weirds me out.

Maybe that's the empty feeling lately?