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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Have you ever read the original grimms fairy tales? Not the disney pretty version, but the real versions that were told to kids as a "normal" thing? They are horrifically brutal. I was stunned when I made the mistake of grabbing an original one and not the disney version and started to read it to my niece. It was about cutting out snow white's heart in detail.

I think the idea behind horror movies is so that we can see that it's ok to be afraid. It's ok that sometimes horrible things happen, even to good people. That facing something beyond bad can help prepare us for the struggles we will have in life -- even if they don't come anywhere near the level of what you and I think of as bad.

Not sure if that's a good or bad thing - it's just a thing.
But maybe a thing to think about?
Maybe 🤔 Thank you ❤️
The biggest curse in my life right now, besides the housing issues and mental illnesses and etc etc etc, is that I only have two hands to pet my six cats and doggo. And bird. And hold my snake or lizard. Why wasn't I born with more hands? 😔 Gonna have to grow more
Throwback to when I said I'd like to have two cats maximum, took in my sister's abandoned cats, and then said four was my maximum, but then the two kittens HAD to fall in love with ME 🙄 😆

Anyway my sister got another kitten. She's been warned that if she can't keep the cat, I can 🎶✨🌈✨ not ✨🌈✨🎶 take him in even temporarily. I had him over for a visit one week because my sister went out of town and when I went to visit him, I realized he was literally too young to be left alone. The cats weren't sure what to make of him lol, too cute
I think I lost half my anxiety about my presentation when I realized I was a man. Trying to live as a woman was very, very difficult for me. Women have so, so many expectations around so many things -- I think it genuinely cured my eating disorders (in the anorexia and over-exercising bulimia) to realize I didn't need to look like everyone else.

I'm finding it difficult to match up with the pressure of being "manly," too, but at least I don't feel like an alien. Now I'm just more worried that my dyspraxia will make me look too skinny lol

I've decided im a nonbinary man, and it's given me a lot of peace of mind

Now if I could just stop impulse eating on accident while trying to fast for my lipid panel lol
Three things I'm grateful for today/positives:
  1. The rain sounds lovely
  2. No thunder, but that means my traumatized service dog wasn't afraid of getting eaten by a tornado and therefore did not need her trazodone lol
  3. I have frozen veggies I can eat
  4. Bestie is willing to cut the rutabagas instead of me or my mom trying to do it
  5. my 6 cats (oof) are all indoors, warm, and happy
  6. I got to know my grandmother at all before she passed
  7. Good music

Three times I felt safe today:
  1. comfy in bed
  2. right now, it's quiet and I'm also out of the cold rain, as are my critters
  3. just now when I recognized i'm living in a "good moment"

Accomplishments/times I felt determined/etc:
  • realizing a lot of my current mood may be related to grief on top of regular stressors, as well as housing concern since my grandmother owned the rental property I'm in right now
  • reminding myself that "good" and "bad" are black and white and that i can have grey days
  • making these lists instead of ruminating for too long
Three positives:
  1. My car still works, so I can sit in it in the cold to be in the dark and quiet
  2. My mom and sister and aunt all seem very happy when they hang out, plus it means I can have the house to myself and have some peace and quiet and they can all yell and shout and be loud Irish people without bothering me
  3. I have six cats, which is way more than I ever wanted, but they all show affection and so much love and I love them and feel protective of them

Three times I felt safe:
  1. At my mom's hoarded up house all alone while the sun was shining
  2. Taking care of animals (I currently have 10)
  3. Eating thankshiving leftovers and then hanging out in the quiet of my car

Times I felt determined/accomplished/etc.:
  • My mom and sister were talking about how much they hate one of my cats who used to be my sister's and who my mom really wants to get rid of. It made me incredibly sad because Xavie has all the problems he does because of the way he was treated by my sister, her ex-husband, and my mom, and has significant trauma and abandonment issues due to what transpired. I felt protective of him (not that I bothered telling his abusers anything to make him look better, that's obviously not helpful and he's a cat and wouldn't care; more like I wanted to go home and cuddle him and tell him they weren't good enough to appreciate his cuddles and quirks and stinky disabilities), and it made me feel detached from everyone. I trudged along anyway tho, as it's not like the kitty would care and the world is not black and white on what I should and shouldn't do about it
  • I got SO much cleaning done today, including washing all water bowls (there are several), deep cleaning nestles food bowl, taking care of all of Dove's care, my reptiles, litter boxes, etc
  • In being determined to make sure my creatures get the best care possible, I have succeeded in getting back into the habit of doing litter at LEAST once a day
  • I have started to need so much sleep that it has become hard to shower every day like I usually do. I'm upset about this (and very very uncomfortable) but have managed to be kind to myself about it
Small comment. I really respect the hell out of the way you find what I call "the accidental grace" within yourself to discuss such things with honesty and compassion. The phrase comes from Big Numbers if you care to glance at the full....poem, I guess?

I like to think my child might guard her hamsters while waving to your guardian cats.