Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Really enjoying how quiet it is outside ✨ Every decade or so this area keeps getting hit, but in 2023 this house and neighborhood got hit three times. Rip the beautiful trees, except for the 250yo oak 10 feet from the house itself which has SOMEHOW not fallen yet ?

Rip the town and city nearby who were directly hit, though. What a wild year

Thankfully we're only projected to see 25 tornadoes in Tennessee in 2024, so that won't be as bad
 
Main issue I had was not wrangling my animals. Though that did take extra time, which I'll explain in a few extra paragraphs, and I was glad for the heads up (the tornado that hit here began several miles west, and while moving east at 40mph/63kmh, still gave me over half an hour of a heads up) from the radio and from my cockatiel, who had been talking about how we all needed to fly away ALL day.

I knew the storm would happen a week in advance, so I told Dove I believed her that we were in a possible spot to get hit that evening, but I didn't want to put her in the tornado shelter 8 full hours before it was necessary lol -- ended up only being 7 hours early tho.

I started getting everything ready as soon as the tornado watch was issued, so I had 6 cats in carriers stacked up in the hallway, one lizard, one snake, one bird, one dog. I saw there was time to get my sister's kitten, so I drove over there and grabbed him and put him in my wall of cats (drive took less than 10 mins total).

That was interesting because when I got to my sister's, the kitten was asleep somewhere or hidden, and I was talking to him while staring at the radar on my phone trying to decide how long I had to search before I would have to either leave him or shelter in place, but luckily he appeared and I grabbed him. He wasn't thrilled lol

At my sister's birds were doing alarm calls and flying away, didn't see what direction, and the clouds coming in were waaay too close to the ground it was getting dark fast, and when I got back to my mom's (a 3-5min drive), the birds had gone silent and the trees were still, and that was neat to see after years of not seeing it.

Once I had all the animals in place, though, is when I noticed my biggest issue -- For some reason my mom, who I had woken up to tell her to prepare to shelter in place because a tornado was coming in less than half an hour, was taking a shower?

I understand the before-the-early-stage of dementia and early dementia unclear thinking and prioritizing, but uhhhhhhhhhh
 
To add more, my mom went to take a shower, kept asking me questions nonchalantly about what doors to close, kept wanting to go back into rooms I had closed for things that made sense but also didn't, like bandaids, phone charger (there's no outlet in the hallway), bread for sandwiches, etc

So eventually 45 minutes pass, me and my guys are in the hallway, I've been ignoring extra questions from my mom to make sure all the meds and animals are in our designated shelter spots, I've unstacked things from in front of her door so I can force it closed, and my mom, who cannot walk (was struggling significantly even with a walker), was on the other end of the house trying and struggling to grab the bread? When the tornado had just happened to take a little extra time (thank God) and so I was like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" (because she was previously in the hallway in her Designated Spot) and she was like. "I am getting the bread for our sandwiches :)"

I stopped her there, grabbed the thing she wanted, and forced her to go. She got angry with me for rushing her and telling her to quit asking questions and was (verbally only) combative and uncooperative, but I got her into the hallway, sat down to chill out, and she started organizing her bags of supplies and food. 🙃😑 As in, making nonstop noises with bags for several minutes until I had told her politely three times to please stop making noises so we could have a moment of silence (I was overstimulated).

It was very, very strange.

She's still capable of learning so after the scariest parts passed, and she was back at her place in the dining room, I stood there and explained to her that she's not a mom of TODDLERS anymore* and that if I wake her up in the future saying we need to go to shelter, but that she has time to pee and take her meds, that means GET READY TO SHELTER AND DON'T WASTE TIME.

*I was trying to explain it from whatever angle she might have been trying for, because she doesn't like feeling like she failed or did anything wrong and also empathetic responses work better -- I was trying to give a little safety discussion, not have a fight

I also told her that it's incredibly rare to get more than 8 minutes of warning time on a storm like that, and the fact that the threat WAS persisting for more than 8 minutes was a big deal.

When I asked her why she showered, to try to understand that perspective, she told me she was worried the tornado would make her have to go to the hospital, and she wanted to be sure she was clean for that? To which my sister made a joke about how the doctors would care sooooo much about our mom's vagina cleanliness if she was hit by a tornado, and I told her, "Hey, if you get hit by a tornado, you're going to be covered in wood, brick, asbestos, and insulation from the house... not to mention mud, rocks, rain, blood, etc. No offense but the shower wouldn't have been needed by then, you'd actually really need another one."

To which she said, "But I'd be clean UNDER the layer of tornado stuff."

Which left me explaining, briefly, that the nurses and doctors probably wouldn't even be seeing her immediately unless she had a severe, critical injury, and likely it'd be someone next to her in the hospital or one of us tending to her wounds immediately, because obviously the hospital was about to be VERY full after they got the power back on in it -- hell, even BEFORE then, as the OTHER hospital took a near-direct hit and might be delayed for all we know.

It was very bizarre and stressful, because usually after my animals are in place, I'm sweating, ready to sit down, and am the last person ready unless someone able enough nearby was able to help out. Instead I check off all my internal, irreplaceable friends, look up, realize my mom is in the kitchen and that it takes her 2 or 3 minutes to get to the hallway (in a walk that takes me 5-10 seconds if I'm taking my time), and have to convince her while she's (verbally only) trying to argue her way out of it....

So, anyway next time, as soon as the tornado watch is issues, and I saw the storm coming a week in advanced, AND my birdie was 100% aware by that morning that we were going to be seeing something more severe than usual -- I'm gonna get the cat wall ready, have everyone ready or in place, get my sister's cat if she wants, and that way when/if a tornado shows back up, it won't matter if she's being (verbally) combative because I'll be able to lock her in the hallway and remind her that the PRIORITY is to SURVIVE, not to pack sandwiches or games for her toddlers to keep them from panicking ✨

Also also, I didn't have to deal with storm PTSD the entire time, lol. Cured 😌
 
Also also, I didn't have to deal with storm PTSD the entire time, lol. Cured 😌
As in, I was able to see the storm developing a week in advanced, knew that morning we'd be seeing SOMETHING, and I was on top of it with no panic or delay. Just, here's what we're going to do, here's how, and oh, an unexpected mother problem! Guess we'll go figure that out ASAP so I don't have to leave the hallway door open while we're hit or else close it so I can survive enough to tell people where to try to look for her or else be able to find her myself because I'm potentially less injured 🤦🏼

Planning to not repeat THAT part, but anyway, yeah, storm anxiety cured because storms are not evil, aren't out to get me, but instead just happen on Earth and are trackable with enough technology thanks to science and the power of humans on the ground watching it go in order to report where it's going next 💕

Much easier to get 🌈 hashtag cured 🌈 of certain PTSD traumas when the trauma isn't evil or trying to manipulate you ig.

(This is MY perspective, not trying to shit on anyone who has weather-related PTSD; it really is very hard to work through, I'm just proud of myself and relieved I potentially don't have to worry about it anymore)
 
Accidentally slept on and off for about two days straight. I am now hydrated and ate a chicken boob. Gonna.... Sleep more and hopefully straight through the night, and wake up REFRESHED. Either way, hopefully I'll be good enough to get some baking done :D If not everyone will get what they get :P

Half tempted to call my dad up and ask him how he's doing, but not sure I'm ready. Kind of mad he waited to tell me about my grandma and sounded excited about her passing because he'd inherit money or something. Though, if he did inherit anything, it's none of my business. He can't hurt my grandmother's feelings NOW, and also he'd spend it all anyway, so... Yeah, not much of a change to real life, and nothing that's any of my business, honestly.

I am tired lol
 
I noticed something odd and just wanted to note it before I fall asleep.

I knew I was a boy, I knew I didn't fit in, and I wanted to be a rebel, do no homework, and argue with teachers all the way until 5th grade.

The reality is no teacher put up with me and it was natural to distrust them etc etc etc.

Fifth grade I almost got killed, while my mom was dying, AND my dad convinced me that the cookie dough I ate was going to kill me soon if nothing else did.

Then I felt bad that no one would love me after I died, AND that I'd be a disappointment to my mother with my grade being just 0s across the board, so I followed the lead of the girl students my 5th grade teacher loved the most.

As in, she had this, uh. The entire classroom had a setup where the Bad Kids, me and Tyler, were both in single desks in the corner, not allowed to socialize. And other average students were in different groups together in the classroom. And finally the 4 girl students with the highest grades, usually really country and really dressed up (like their moms wanted them to be fashionable) were in a row by themselves in this, like, row of honor 😂

Basically, I realized (1) it was a lot less stress to stop fighting the adults AND abusers and just go with the flow. And (2) if I acted like how everyone wanted me to act, then Suddenly I was The Good Kid. I even got a presidential award from President Bush (the second one lol) for being a poster child for no child left behind, ironically.

This dramatically altered my entire life course. That was when I started dressing as a girl instead of a boy, and the year after that was when I experimented with carrying purses, etc.

Trauma affected me more than I thought, and it's weird. It's like I WAS my bestie 100% and then? Some random realizations were made that everything is fake and I might as well at least try to fit in?

And that's how I've been going about my life? Until I met my best friend for the second time (after I broke up with Brandi and therefore could have friends again)

What the f*ck. School bad. School priming people for a life of working paycheck to paycheck bad. Weird lol

Not sure how to feel about it so I'll just put it away for now and tuck myself in lol

I wish I could just be who I am and move on with my life, though. I'm bored of working on the past, I really enjoy just chilling all day :P
 
I felt an extreme sense of relief today because I was feeling like attention was on me/I was hogging attention by being on the forums, and then I checked recent posts (while not logged in) and saw I was not.

My brain is silly and illogical. It is a hunk of fat and jello ❤️
 
Another thing I feel weird about that I'm not sure if I should or not? but feel like I should but just not ritualistically beat myself up about it?:

I feel like I was being unreasonable and ablist towards my mother in this diary in the past, and I regret that deeply

She's been through a lot too, has cPTSD as well, and I was acting like she was abusing me. It's like as soon as I realized I was allowed to be angry towards her, and we weren't vibing, I was more than hateful in my diary about it :/

As in, like, yes, she wasn't thinking clearly about anything, but I wasn't exactly helping? Or stepping away?

I can't remember fully now but I'm not going back to check, I bury posts for a reason lol
 
Just posting for reference later -- my thoughts in this diary and also probably current events made me have silly dreams
 

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