Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Anyway.

3 positives:
1. Got to sleep in
2. Enjoyed the good evening and night weather :) it's very warm and I saw some clouds move in. It's going to rain today sometime, but it hasn't been very humid yet. The wind was warm and I even overheated a bit walking nestle around.
3. I fixed a neighbor's messed up sport flag and it felt nice to do a little thing for a stranger in a way they couldn't thank me for :)
Bonus: cooked dinner for 4 people :)
Bonus 2: the kitchen sink is finally clear, and I finally got all the floors clean again :) smells much nicer in here as a result
Bonus 3: I checked recently and I don't think I've been murdered lately
Bonus 4: I was very happy and not depressed at all this morning because I was home alone :P

3 times I felt safe:
1. When going through the house with no one else home
2. Chilling in the little bathroom alone the be away from everything/everyone
3. Outside when keeping my cats safe

Times I felt determined or accomplished or etc:
Making the food for everyone despite shaking with anxiety. My mom covered the table again so my sister and I had to eat on the floor, but otherwise. Was not so bad

 

[littleoc]

Now I feel great again! Hahaha, but what the heck keeps dysregulating me?? /What am I doing that's doing it, maybe???

 

[littleoc]

Here is their page on ritual abuse

Thank you for link

 

[littleoc]

Maybe I triggered myself more on purpose after getting triggered?

ETA: Maybe stress from having a plan for my day, then suddenly making food for four people? I was genuinely shaking from the stress of having people in the tiny, cluttered space with me. Makes me claustrophobic and they tend to get loud and mess with my focus (not their fault). And the fact that I had a lot of important things to do that I then didn't get to do, plus finding out about the murder, then triggered me went to make sure I could handle it "when" I get murdered?

Wonder if I can add parental controls to my own web browsing.

 

[littleoc]

Now I feel great again! Hahaha, but what the heck keeps dysregulating me?? /What am I doing that's doing it, maybe???

Still doing okay right now. Maybe I distance myself emotionally for a while and then suddenly remember it...?

Not sure why I feel I personally need to be there for every victim who didn't survive a murder attempt. Maybe because I wish more people who felt sorry for me watched the videos of me? Rather than just gross people?

But *I* wouldn't have wanted people to force themselves to be sad with me about how I was being treated. And isn't that someone else's job? Like, the police of each country? Regardless of them actually doing their jobs or not?

Maybe I'm thinking about it incorrectly.

 

[littleoc]

I do feel a lot of shame at feeling like I need to view suicide videos to make sure im ready for if I have to, and a lot of shame for viewing the accidents and violence. I worry other people will think I'm enjoying it, like my abusers did, and I don't want to be anything like my abusers. So, am I viewing them *because* I'm viewing it unlike my abusers did? As in, am I stuck in some kind of shame cycle? Because if so why can't I just not view it and therefore have no cycle?

Maybe should examine the feelings I get when I think it's time to look up the videos. And come here instead, probably.

I do always leave empathetic comments. Like I'm trying to tell the racist, Nazi edgelords in the comments that they're still not acceptable. I also like to sit around and report any original content so people get into trouble who should. But that's not my job on earth, I guess? Unless I want to be a journalist in a warzone?

Maybe it's also some sort of intergenerational trauma thing, where I feel like I'm healing for the immigrants on my mom's and dad's sides of the family who lost everything and worse. Maybe I just really think I'm g-d's specialist little princess and I alone can view these atrocities and find a way to show love to the victim in a way that somehow makes it less bad and traumatic because I'm there with them, instead of all the unhealthy minds nearby.

I can still see those people clearly in my head from even back when I was a young kid and my dad showed me how he wanted to do the same things to my mom and brothers, or the pedo wanted me to see CP (for the record i have no idea where to find cp and am not interested in locating it at ALL), or brandi wanted me to see soldiers' heads being blown up. And also the small, small amount of content seen in that nursing class.

An issue I should have gone into years ago honestly. But at the very least it's odd that it's come back now, so maybe the move back to moms had something to do with it

In any case, why do I feel empowered when I watch the content that obviously triggers the hell out of me? What AM I doing?

 

[littleoc]

3 positives:
- got food stamp re-application done with Bestie
- got to hang out with nestle and bestie
- was in a pretty good mood today, depsite the,,, everything

3 times I felt safe:
- talking to friends
- thinking about friends on this forum
- sitting in my car with the doors locked, listening to the rain and my music

Anything else (achievements, determination, etc)
- got the food stamps reapplied
- planned my weekend
- made dinner for me and my mom earlier :)

 

[littleoc]

My dad called and left a voicemail

 

[littleoc]

Isn't there something about why humans sometimes enjoy horror stories? About how back in the day, wild humans would desensitize themselves to, say, having a run-in with a violent mammoth by hearing stories or where the encounter led to something tragic?

But I don't think I'm trying to desensitize myself. It's clear that I won't become desensitized at this point.

Maybe it's more of a.... I know what I'm getting into, and it's a controlled environment (as in, I know what the trigger warnings are) for me to ? learn to cope better with experiences I've been through or seen ?

 

[Freida]

Have you ever read the original grimms fairy tales? Not the disney pretty version, but the real versions that were told to kids as a "normal" thing? They are horrifically brutal. I was stunned when I made the mistake of grabbing an original one and not the disney version and started to read it to my niece. It was about cutting out snow white's heart in detail.

I think the idea behind horror movies is so that we can see that it's ok to be afraid. It's ok that sometimes horrible things happen, even to good people. That facing something beyond bad can help prepare us for the struggles we will have in life -- even if they don't come anywhere near the level of what you and I think of as bad.

Not sure if that's a good or bad thing - it's just a thing.
But maybe a thing to think about?

 

[littleoc]

Ah, my grandma is dying. My sister called my dad back for me

 

[littleoc]

I'm very devastated with this news, I thought she was doing way better