Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Not losing your mind - promise. Just overwhelmed. Are you working your grounding techniques?

Yes. I'm going to read a book and maybe nap, and make plans later. Not too later. But later. That should help :)

Thank you

 

[littleoc]

Three triggers (I guess that's what you'd call them) in a row yesterday. Pretty happy with my reactions. Will still be hard to type out what happened, but I think it'll help me if I can get through it. Let's see how far I can go :)

(1)
Tornadoes.

There was a massive storm that brewed, which I was watching carefully on multiple radars. I'm a bit obsessive, but now I get excited when I see storms. I love the thunder and the heavy rain, and the wind. You'd think it'd be the opposite.

On some nights I'm too scared to deal with life once I see a storm coming in. So now that I can see them so well, I feel much better.

Though I have nowhere to hide if another tornado comes by for a visit. So far we've been very lucky. I'm happy for that, but if just makes me more and more nervous that our area is somehow overdue for our next natural disaster :unsure:

But we were lucky again. I stood outside (in partial shelter) and watched it arrive. It was beautiful.

I also was able to find rotations before they were officially announced by the National Weather Service. I probably got some wrong, but it's okay.

Unfortunately, that means that there were tornadoes. People died. That didn't help my future fears, but, well. Currently not much that can be done.

Even though tornado season is here. :(

I hope the effected families are okay.


(2)
Walked to my kidnapper's front door.

It's across the street from my house, where I'm living right now.

My kidnapper no longer lives there, but that house haunts me. I hate it. I wish I could get rid of it.

The family living their now has several dogs. One of them escaped and came up to my service dog N and I. His whole underbelly was wet from digging a hole under their fence, and he was so sweet. A beagle mix, so sure to disappear after a scent if I didn't help him get home.

And, of course, tornado-y weather on the way.

I tried to get N (the service dog) into my house while holding the other dog's flea collar, but he really didn't want to come up my driveway and I wasn't going to force him. So I called my mom and asked her to help. I told her to get Nestle and put her inside (long story short) so I could try to convince this little doggo to go to his home with me.

N was crying a bit. She knew. I HATE that house.

But I needed this dog to be safe.

I made it to the front door. I felt sick. Incredibly sick, and started getting heartburn that was so bad that I thought I was going to through up. At first I was scared that I'd be alone on that front porch when the door opened. The ten year old in me was petrified. I could feel pain in private places. Body memories, I guess.

But then I was even more fearful when my mom showed up again. First of all, I was afraid she'd fall again. I was also afraid that she would also hate the house and therefore mention it, and I wouldn't be able to handle it being said out loud. And even worse, I was overly aware that my mom was offended last time the neighbor had interacted with her (rightfully, honestly) and I was terrified that something new would happen.

I wanted to send her away, and for N to come back. But thanks to trauma with dogs? I was scared that N would get jumped by a bigger dog coming out of their house.

The first person to hear me knock... was a young girl. Pre-teen or young teen.

That triggered a lot. And she looked suspicious and worried.

I feared for her, so badly it hurt. I was so worried someone was hurting her, as if the house itself was cursed.

Then the mom came out. Thanked us profusely, had a nice chat with us until my mom couldn't stand any more. Everything was fine and I was so proud.

I ignored thoughts of my kidnapper luring me in with dogs. This wasn't my kidnapper. And that girl was okay. Not kidnapped.

But I had the weirdest sensation while I was there. That the kidnapper's spirit wasn't the one in there, but my own? A ten year old girl's? And she was keeping her safe. Her bedroom.. is that room I was tortured sexually in. I just knew it.

Because I know the layout of the house. The other bedroom is a master. Though maybe she has the master, who knows.

I had that thought as soon as I looked at that ugly blue carpet. That was the brand new carpet that Kidnapper got, two years or so before he moved out.

Made me feel sick but slightly better. Weird feeling.



Then my mom, N the dog, and I hopped into her car to go eat dinner at a restaurant.

Which was fine and tasted amazing. I tried to push away thoughts of me getting fat and unhealthy.

I just kept getting multiple alerts on my phone of tornadoes. I didn't want to look nervous or scared in front of my mother, so I kept downplaying my own emotions. But I was so relieved when we left to go home, before the storm could hit our city in particular.



(3)
Kid in the restaurant was smacking his family members (playfully) with a folded up coloring page the restaurant had given him.

Totally fine. I wasn't going to complain. Sure, maybe someone should have asked him to stop -- honestly I'm not sure -- but they were playing along.

If he hadn't stopped after another minute, I would have gone to the bathroom or outside for fresh air. Maybe not outside THIS time, as then I'd be looking for tornadoes.

But the kid stopped. He actually began leaving. He looked at my dog, but behaved VERY well, not talking to her or anything. I got scared he'd smack her for some reason, but he didn't do anything like that.

I decided to try to make it a lesson of sorts for my mom. Who makes smacking motions at our cat, which terrified me and caused that big ordeal that I'm still upset about.

I mentioned sort of casually, "That was frightening me."

My mom started talking about how the parents should have stopped him, like they'd done a frat wrong.

I got annoyed, though not enough to be a dick. So I explained that he must live in a better household than I did growing up, because he wasn't afraid to do stuff like that. In our family, the violence was a secret. The fear of being outed was a shame that kept us quiet in public.

So I didn't mind exactly that he was doing that. It meant that he was a happy boy who didn't know fear of smacking. My mom felt he should have been told to sit down and not have behavior in public? Whatever, it's not our business. He might be wild in public, but at least his family seems to love him. And his personal life could be anything -- I'm not going to judge from the few minutes I saw him existing.

It frightened me a little. I got over it. That kid wasn't disrespecting my needs. He was a kid.

Of course that makes me feel weirder about being upset about my mom trying to hit my cat... but I wish she could have been nice about it, at least. I feel like she doesn't care about me that much.

But, yeah. Three triggers in one day, literally one after another. And I hung in there. I'm doing pretty well :)







.



Now if only I could stop having tornado nightmares along with all the other ones. Tornado season is a bit of a trigger for that one. Unsurprisingly

 

[Freida]

wow!!!! That is wonderful!!!! three in a row and you handled them all!!
We don't get tornadoes on the west coast (well, ok, maybe an E1 once every 5 years bu they aren't normal). But I would love to see one from a safe place where I could watch it... I've always thought it would be amazing to go with the storm chasers

I am stunned that you were able to go to the kidnappers house and see a kid about your own age and not lose it. That takes such a tremendous amount of strength. Just. wow. Talk about facing your worst fears head on. And yes - I think it makes perfect sense that a part of you was left behind to protect whoever came into that house next. You should be so proud of yourself. Cause y'know I'm proud of you!

 

[littleoc]

But I would love to see one from a safe place where I could watch it... I've always thought it would be amazing to go with the storm chasers

They are. Absolutely beautiful and stunning, and they look so much bigger than you'd think they would look. Massive. And eerie, pullling the air away from you and then back at you. Even before I really saw one, I couldn't stop being fascinated. And after I saw one and saw the destruction several could do to one county, I really haven't been able to get enough somehow.

Yeah, still massively triggering to see one -- I know that thing is dangerous -- but damn. If I could guarantee my own safety all the time, I'd be chasing them down too. It feels different from recreating trauma -- I think I respect it?

Talk about facing your worst fears head on.

For sure... I must be heathier than I thought. I went in public after! It may not have quite hit me because of the tornado alerts but hell, it's fine. It definitely was hitting me when I saw her apprehensive face.

And yes - I think it makes perfect sense that a part of you was left behind to protect whoever came into that house next.

Glad to know it makes sense...


And thank you :)

 

[littleoc]

I'm feeling sick. I just want this house to be clean. :(

Without being teased with free cleanup and restoration -- with a price of being on some show.

I hate this house.

 

[Freida]

will you be able to move eventually?

 

[littleoc]

Yeah, and maybe I should consider it. I was hoping to save up much more money first.

This summer I'm planning on working with my University one more time so I can get the money for a cheap car. That should help. I hope.

I just want a miracle to come in and clean this house, though, and I'm very optimistic so I keep looking for ways. Then I get frustrated. I want it to happen.

 

[Freida]

Do you take pictures along the way? So you can see the progress you have made?

And money vs sanity? No words of wisdom there but.....

 

[littleoc]

I do, and of the process as well. If i can't perceive it normally off camera, I feel it's important to look at pictures to get an idea of what's happening. I think it helps. :)

I just want the house clean. Also to not leave my mom in it. She's disabled. Neuropathy. Dad.

 

[littleoc]

I've been doing very well, in my humble opinion. My mom has wanted to eat out every night this week but even when there were triggers it worked out okay.

My mom noticed nothing.

Also, great news, I've accidentally found a great medication for anxiety. It was a medicine prescribed for ADHD that I've sways taken for concentration since I was in elementary school. As in turns out? It works great for my anxiety :)

I am now suddenly back to a nice routine -- waking up at 8:30am, taking the service dog on a 3 mile walk morning and night and then her night time short walk (about five to ten minutes usually), and doing my physical therapy exercises in the morning and the evening.

Good news about the PT-- looks like it's expected that once I can get my muscle mass back up, I'll be good as new! Maybe won't be able to play basketball anymore, or badminton tornaments, but hell, it'd be nice to do stuff for fun again :) And to hike again, though maybe I'll take it slow for now on?

Maybe I'll even be able to bike again. I bet the service dog would like walking by a bike? Not sure how to train for that, lol.







And, the less fun thing.

I've pretty much decided now that I want Hoarders show people to come here and help me.

To people who are cleaning up hoarding messes: I have so much respect for you.

I absolutely can't do it. And weirdly enough I've become very good at asking for help.

My mom has not.

So in therapy next week, I'm going to bring her in and tell her that someone might be willing to help us, for free. And that it sounds crazy and way too good to be true, but we aren't losing anything at this point. We don't even have a house.

I can't get my next service dog. My current barely lives in this house. She doesn't even have her own bed. If she suddenly had to share?

I'd just be asking for a fight to break out. And it's not fair to her.

I've even had people comment (who I've shown the picture of the house to) that my pet snake has more room to live than I do. And it's totally true.

I want a clean house. My mom does too. So even though it's crazy, I hope she considers.

If not... i should finish cleaning my room, and... probably move out asap, because I absolutely can't live like this.

I'm hoping that the Hoarder people will agree not to have my mom on camera. That's the hitch.

I'm willing at this point. Whatever, right? I'll change my name (on there) and it'll be fine. I think the story of shame in living in my crazy father's mess for ten years should be out there, for others to relate to. Maybe it'll help other people in similar situations to get help.

I'm scared my mom will just deny it, and maybe act like shes upset that I told yet another family secret. But many times when I do share family secrets, it turns out for the best.

I've realized that asking for help is brave and respectable. I hope my mom sees it that way...

She's been trying to worm out of me what the session will be about, but I can't tell her. I'm hoping with a therapist between us I'll be able to get her to listen. She does care.

I'm also afraid she'll get emotional. I think because in the past I carried her emotions? And also B's? Not sure.

I'm terrified but I feel like fate has given me this chance. I'll let myself be afraid, but I have to do this. It doesn't hurt to try. If she hates me forever then that's that?

It'd be nice to be allowed to have friends see our house, and to not be scared when my grandma mentions coming by, and to feel like doing small things like cooking won't be a disaster.

I'm constantly worried that things are falling -- and as a kid, things falling meant that my dad was about to come get us... so yeah.




On top of that?

I have a comprehensive exam in 30 days. If I fail? I don't get to keep my BA in biology, which is odd but true. It's an old fashioned university.

But I managed to complete my degree as a full time student -- which was hard as crap. So I can do this test. I need to start studying now.

Which is why I'm going to start tomorrow -- right after I get back from my morning 3mile dog walk, and have settled down with my hot tea.

Probably a peach tea, but maybe mint, but the Bengal spice is to die for. Also the lemon ginger. Man, I love ginger!

Also I'll cook tonight, I think! I'm feeling pretty good :)

Overwhelmed level has come down. No fewer things to accomplish, though.

Tonight I'll be working on my "practice book," as I have a vague outline that I won't be sticking to (I know me..) and am ready for chapter one -- and also the rejection it'll get! :P

(I'm posting it online, for people to stare at and judge harshly or like harshly -- it's the only way to improve. Being vulnerable.)

 

[Freida]

Wow -- busy day!
Great to hear about the new med -- that is awesome

I think the horders tv show is a great idea. I've watched it and they always seem really kind.

And very proud of you for standing up for what you need!!!!

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi @littleoc! I just want you to know I'm on your journey with you. Thanks for taking me. You amaze me everyday and I'll tell you why.

To have endured all that you have and still have compassion and empathy for the people who have abused you for so long. It's usually the opposite which is why I want to ask, and if I'm wrong go ahead and say so. Do you think your commitment/bond is a healthy one? You're taking the responsibility that your mother should be taking. Yes? No?

You deserve a healthy environment to heal. I know you're trying so hard and making great internal strides. My heart is heavy for your situation. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I only have hugs and support for whatever you do.

As for the hoarders tv show. We had a local family on it and the only negative I heard was the therapy wasn't long enough. Have them put in your contract how long MOM will need therapy. Seriously. Mom needs to get with the program. (no pun intended) :)
She has alot of healing to do herself!!

Please don't take any of this the wrong way. I feel like you're a little sister and I want to look out for you. (little sister? who am I kidding? I'm old enough to be your....older cousin. Haha!)

Love ya. Have a peaceful night!