Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[ILoveLife]

I think... that understatement was the biggest reasoning I've heard about my father growing up. It just feels too much like a minimization, but it's FACTUAL. Lol. They have (in my case, had) actual problems.

 

[ILoveLife]

Anyway, I decided I can’t be crazy forever

I decided this yesterday too.
No more insanity for me. It's a good decision.

 

[littleoc]

:)

 

[Juso]

Okay .... so I wanted to finish reading your diary before writing posts to be fully informed but I just realized that this will probably never happen?So I will comment on here while still reading your older posts. ?
The trash thing is disturbing as f*ck. I hope you will find out what that was about? Jesus, there are people in this world ...!
Also, the intrusive thought you had sounds very scary, and I completely get that you got a little obsessive compulsive afterwards. I know this so well. Actually, I relate to the OCD part so much!!! Have been struggling with OCD all my life. It runs in my family though, so I kind of know where it comes from.
Hugs?

 

[littleoc]

You don’t have to read my entire diary! It’s mostly me goofing off, or practicing by using memories I’ve already addressed to test the waters! Not all the way through, but I am trying to bury those posts on purpose, lol. No need to read every word, really! It won’t help you heal yourself anyway, will it? :)

Honestly, I expect that most people skim at least a little! So you can too! No worries!

(I say, knowing full well that I like to go back and read people’s ancient posts without liking them so that I have context without looking like I’m expecting them to so the same... lmao. But seriously, you get the jist by now!)

Also, yeah, I decided not to worry about the trash. If it happens again, then I’ll worry more.

I did have weird dreams about it, though.

Actually, I’m having a lot of disturbing dreams. My therapist basically told me that I need to, uh, masturbate more? No thank you. Lol. I was forced to enough times that I’m REALLY uninterested right now. (I’m sorry if that’s TMI! Unread!)

OCD sucks. I’m thankful mine isn’t as bad as a mentally ill Leah I knew once. She sucks as a person (hard leftist to the point that one time my post on Facebook “wow why is everything political today” made her feel personally attacked — and she accused me of being against PTSD sufferers (she doesn’t have PTSD) once for saying we shouldn’t sensor books that might be triggering. I replied “uuuuuuuh awkward” at her before explaining. I hate this chick lol). But I felt bad for her that she firmly believed that her OCD was a personality trait and that people were trying to oppress her with medications and coping skills. She even did a speech on it. It was painful. I hope I never get that bad.

?

 

[somerandomguy]

I hope I never get that bad.

Unpossible. You are amazing. She is not. There is no way for you to not be amazing.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you, @somerandomguy :hug:

You’re amazing too! ??

 

[Juso]

Oh @littleoc haha, please don't worry, I told you I like reading what you wrote because you can write very well.

(I say, knowing full well that I like to go back and read people’s ancient posts without liking them so that I have context without looking like I’m expecting them to so the same... lmao. But seriously, you get the jist by now!)

Loooooool, that could be me. I can relate. Such a thought process, hahaha.

Actually, I’m having a lot of disturbing dreams. My therapist basically told me that I need to, uh, masturbate more? No thank you. Lol. I was forced to enough times that I’m REALLY uninterested right now. (I’m sorry if that’s TMI! Unread!)

Absolutely not TMI, I mean you know what I just wrote into my diary, haha! It's your safe space on here so write whatever you need to write about. And yeah, masturbation only makes sense if its fun. I hate that the abuse robbed you of that positive sexual experience you should have had. That is just so awful.
Yeah, OCD can get really, really bad. My cousin had to visit a clinic once because of it. When I was younger I was suffering from it way more than now though. I hope we'll slowly learn to live without it❤

 

[bellbird]

Just catching up.
So proud of you for keeping on keeping on, with everything that's going on around you.

It is now a bird room, as my bird’s big daytime cage is now in there so we can hang out.

Birb hangouts are the best. Except for when they stealth shit on your laptop keyboard and you only discover it when you go to hit the letter o key.

 

[littleoc]

you can write very well

Thank you! :)

Absolutely not TMI, I mean you know what I just wrote into my diary, haha! It's your safe space on here so write whatever you need to write about.

Haha, thanks. For some reason it feels totally normal when everyone else says it, but I’m terrified of grossing you out anyway. I had a lot of people tell me I was gross growing up.

And, ever since a doctor got my mom involved, I’ve been terrified of talking about it. It’s hard to explain.

That said. It’s a complicated issue. I go mute in reality and apparently somehow get a block on here that prevents me from even typing the actual issue. So I guess it just won’t happen. Oh, well :)

I hope we'll slowly learn to live without it❤

Me, too!! That would be awesome! I’d love to hike the Appalachian Trail to its full extent one day. But I keep wanting to shower at night. Every night. I even did so in Iceland even when I didn’t have access to hot water springs — cold as freezing water? Whatever, I say, I won’t sleep without my shower even if I get numb skin! Good times

So proud of you for keeping on keeping on, with everything that's going on around you.

You too!!!

Birb hangouts are the best. Except for when they stealth shit on your laptop keyboard and you only discover it when you go to hit the letter o key.

OKAY RELATABLE except my bird also knows how to take the pieces of my laptop apart D: At least when she’s on my leg she prefers to try to poo on the carpet instead of on me. She tries :P

 

[littleoc]

Weird thing: my mom brought home pain meds because of her surgery. Yay! Yay that she’ll be in less pain!

But I’m sitting here wondering if she will need the whole four day supply. Obviously I hope not because that would mean she’s in too much pain. And would need a doctor. Because the surgery wouldn’t be a success if the pain was crazy. You know.

But also I’m deep down planning on taking one or two if she doesn’t need them. That scares me a bit. I don’t have an addiction, but with thoughts like that?

I know what’s going on. I’m anxious as shit. It’s messing with my routines and I’m a bit, uh, maybe paranoid. There’s a lot going on. And I’m too afraid to talk about most of it. But some of the things include that my therapist hasn’t contacted me back since the tornado, and I’m worried for her but also aware that it’s possible she was doing emergency therapy for people affected directly by it. Or people like me who had a bad experience but didn’t have other ones so it broke them a bit differently and they would need a hand back up. Also, I’ve started having daily nightmares of getting pinned to the bottom of a bathtub and raped, and it’s been going on since the lack of medication during the shortage. I have my pills back, but the nightmares aren’t really stopping.

I’m stressed, and I know those pain pills would help me relax like my current pills aren’t, and they’d probably get rid of my headache. I have a bad headache. I feel like I’m not in as much control as I should be.

My sister accidentally triggered a flashback, and then my mom did. Neither of them know. I’m high functioning I guess, or else I know I’d just upset them and I just don’t feel like it.

I know it sounds a little bit tiny bit pathetic, that’s why I’m working on it. I haven’t been stealing. I almost think it would make me feel better?

I am not sure why I am this stressed, though. I can’t pinpoint any great reasons? Maybe the fact that I found out suddenly I’m supposed to be reading an entire book? But my head keeps hurting very badly?

I did find my missing $200 book though, so that’s neat

 

[bellbird]

except my bird also knows how to take the pieces of my laptop apart D:

Nuuuuuu.
We're fortunate Tweeter has not advanced to that stage.
Also fortunate that he's not heavy enough to make the keys type, unless he lands heavily from a flight.
Skidding landings on the mouse pad though (it's not a landing zone, buddy) VERY INCONVENTIENT suddenly every application closes. And cell phone screens too. Those little feet have done a lot of unintentional video calling in their short life so far.

At least when she’s on my leg she prefers to try to poo on the carpet instead of on me. She tries :p

Heyyyy, way to go! We love trying.

I have my pills back, but the nightmares aren’t really stopping.

It might take a little time, for things to settle.
They sound horrible though, the nightmares.

I hope your therapist contacts you back soon as well. I can imagine how stressful that must be.

I can’t pinpoint any great reasons?

I'd say the situation with T, and the cyclical nature of bad nightmares - bad nightmare, bad day, bad nightmare, worse day, stand out pretty big to me from reading your post.