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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

I
littleoc said:
Or the tornado. Or the “flashback” (in quotes because it’s not traumatic) about my dad convincing me he needed to look at my bum after the dog attack. Very uncomfortable memory. Not for the reason you think either. It was because he was being nice to me. That really bothers me. I’m so worried there’s a real human in his brain somewhere and we could be friends. If he’d stop stalking my mom.
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I really understand the unsettlingness of him being nice to you. I feel like that about my ex. On one level we know that they aren't a "safe" or honest person so the being nice just feels like they have an agenda and want us to drop our guard so they can f*ck with us, all over again (please excuse the expletive). And on the other hand, we fear that we are being infair to them, because, just, maybe, (wishful thinking!) the appearance of care is real and, yet, we distrust it.
I dislike it, on some (many) level(s), when my ex, appears "nice", I know how untrustworthy that is, after nearly thirty years of experience, but, what if he's changed? What if I'm wrong? The uncertainty and unsettledness and lack-of-safety I feel about it is unpleasant, guilt producing and unnerving.
Feeling for ya @littleoc :hug: :hug: :hug:
 
That’s it, @mumstheword. That, and I don’t know how to feel about trying to be vulnerable for him and him being gentle about it. And then driving around the neighborhood looking for the dog, warning me that he needed me to tell the truth about where the dog is because I can’t protect him. If we couldn’t confirm that the dog didn’t have rabies, then I’d get shots...

Though, just realized something... strange. Did anyone ever call the police when that happened? Why were we driving around until I said which neighbor’s dog? Why did they assure my dad without paperwork that their dog was not rabid and that was the end of it? Wtf?

It’s painful to think about, so I won’t right now :)




@Sietz A4? Like typer paper? :0
 
I had a weird experience. I’ve been avoiding a song. It’s not aired and I’d have to look for it, but I’ve been fighting the urge. It’s Fungus’s. He likes to listen to it before talking to people, so he can remember how to behave? Not sure how to word it.

I’ve been avoiding it. But I just sought it out. I don’t know why because I was terrified to do it. But when it came on, it wasn’t so bad. I took a deep breath and realized I haven’t done that all day. I felt my muscles relax. My headache went away. My vision cleared. The ringing in my ears stopped. I stopped feeling thirsty. The song took over but it was nice. I played it over and over and I felt powerful and... kind of psychotic, I guess, because it was really, really, really, really nice to not HAVE to be human again. I felt more like myself. I could fix things. I had solutions.

I turned off the song eventually. I realize now that I’ve been craving it. I was getting frustrated with the book I was reading because it wasn’t triggering the feeing I wanted. Intellectual stuff does, and figuring things out works. Which is pretty human. Is it a coincidence that the book I’m working on, have been working on since 2007, is about what makes a human a human?

Anyway, I decided I can’t be crazy forever. And I’m embarrassed admitting this. But now my head hurts more but less?

I fed my snake ? He is cuuuuuuute (cute responde? definitely human).

And I have a bird room now. It’s also my office. Also, I have an office.
 
Oh I loved the doing it at home part, but the actual working in a place and especially dealing with clients was awful. I was way more into cinema back then too, so it wasn't exactly a lost talent? I dunno. I did well for myself in the cinema field, but didn't pursue - lots of sex innuendos to move forward in there... If you're not male in this country, or so talented and fierce that they have no choice but accpt you, it's extremelly hard to succeed even minimally.

I think it will be good for me to have both this ex-careers moving forward in my current field.
 

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