Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Sorry for the rant. I'm sick. Mentally and physically. I didn't take my allergy pill last night because I couldn't remember if I did and didn't want to accidentally double up.

Turns out I did not take it. It makes it harder to breathe here. If it wasn't stormy I'd probably go for a walk, because I don't have seasonal allergies.

My plants are being killed by the air in here. I mean, that's insane. How does one hear that and go "that sucks"? Why not, "Oh, man, maybe we should get that fixed right away as soon as there's a reasonable means/way to do it"?

 

[littleoc]

And y'all probably understand how I am about plants at this point anyway. I feel helpless.

 

[littleoc]

I'm gonna work on my paper for a while, brb. Just so y'all know I'm okay if I don't answer for several hours.

Did want to list this, though. My therapist told me to try to be hopeful (remember the plans for moving out), present (if you are dissociating too much, do something), and.... I forget.

But she told me she doesn't see me as having DID so that's wonderful news. :) Of all her trauma patients, only one of them has DID, and she doesn't think I qualify. She says I have a dissociative disorder, and that's the worst complication so far. Exciting.

 

[bellbird]

Sorry for the rant. I'm sick. Mentally and physically

No apologies. Write it all out, if that's what you need to do.
I'm honestly blown away by how well you are coping, despite your circumstances.
(hearing and validating your sickness also)

I didn't take my allergy pill last night because I couldn't remember if I did and didn't want to accidentally double up.

Could you download a medication reminder app onto your phone?
I use Medisafe. You can put all your medications, dosages, and timings in, and it lets you know when you need to take what.
I have a rule with myself that I can't tell the app I've taken my meds until they're in my mouth and I've swallowed them. So it just keeps reminding me otherwise. Very very useful.

But she told me she doesn't see me as having DID so that's wonderful news. :)

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

Could you download a medication reminder app onto your phone?
I use Medisafe. You can put all your medications, dosages, and timings in, and it lets you know when you need to take what.
I have a rule with myself that I can't tell the app I've taken my meds until they're in my mouth and I've swallowed them. So it just keeps reminding me otherwise. Very very useful.

Great idea, thank you :hug:

 

[MrMoonlight]

I think it would be best if you could just work on yourself. I mean it's too much already, you are getting respiratory infections of some sort and it's toxic to even plants. I really worry about your safety, how would you get out in case of fire?

Like all of us, you have serious mental health stuff to battle and It's tough to see how you can juggle everything while taking care of your mom and her hoarding/home issues as well as looking out for her best interest.

Can you call on your brothers or sisters for help, how about your grandparents? Your health is failing and it's all just too much, you have done your very best, I know you can say that to yourself.

I love that you have a plan of action. Saving money, maybe ask grandparents though I think you said they may not be in the position to help financially.

I just want to scoop you up out of that place. You are strong and will make the right decisions, I just know it. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

you are getting respiratory infections of some sort and it's toxic to even plants. I really worry about your safety, how would you get out in case of fire?

True. I worry about it too... I’m guessing it’s the mold allergy, but I’m not sure. But the fire thing is worrying me a lot... I’ve been having a lot of dreams about it. I’ve already had to fix things around the house because of fire risk, but now I can’t reach most places... that, and when my dad lived here, he made it so that the windows in my room can’t open. So I’d need extra oxygen if.... yeah. I’m not sure my mom even understands that it’s dangerous.

Can you call on your brothers or sisters for help, how about your grandparents? Your health is failing and it's all just too much, you have done your very best, I know you can say that to yourself.

Probably not my siblings. My two brothers are both in odd positions (my little bro is called Professor J tho so that’s neat) and my sister has a son and is recovering financially from her husband getting a DUI and totaling a car. She might let my mom borrow money but I don’t want to ask, because then she’ll ask me, and she’s really weird with boundaries.

Though, come to think of it, I’ve borrow money from my twin. He’s changed a bit though. It wouldn’t be a good idea to ask.

Grandparents might work though. They are very financially stable and have tons of disposable income. But they’ve already given me so much, so I feel guilty. But to make it clear I don’t want just their money, I can promise to pay them back. And then do it. They have an idea of how awful it is here, it’s more like an elephant in the room at this point, but I’m afraid to end up in that family discussion.

Come to think of it though, maybe just because my mom asked me not to “take sides” doesn’t mean I am. My little brother got their help to clean this house several times, and that wasn’t because he hated my mom. Hm.

I just want to scoop you up out of that place.

Dude, I want to do that for you! Let’s go to Canada and rent a Townhouse! :P :D

 

[bellbird]

Come to think of it though, maybe just because my mom asked me not to “take sides” doesn’t mean I am.

Yes!!!
What you are planning to do is irrespective of "taking sides"; you are making a plan to better your health.

If your mum is expecting you to "take her side" by living in that house and acting like everything is fine.
Then... no. Just, no.

You moving out is not an attack against your mum.
It is you being a (the) responsible adult in this situation.
Your health and wellbeing are so so so important. No one has the right to make you feel otherwise. Not anyone. Not even your mum.

:hug: :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

I can't believe my mom ever blamed me for this.

I can't believe it either.

They have an idea of how awful it is here, it’s more like an elephant in the room at this point, but I’m afraid to end up in that family discussion.

It's up to you obviously. But someone does need to speak up. I'm sure they're worried about you living there.

You moving out is not an attack against your mum.
It is you being a (the) responsible adult in this situation.
Your health and wellbeing are so so so important. No one has the right to make you feel otherwise. Not anyone. Not even your mum.

This ^^^
:hug:

 

[littleoc]

You moving out is not an attack against your mum.
It is you being a (the) responsible adult in this situation.

That may make it much easier to navigate

I don’t want to punish anyone for being mentally ill. But, then, I managing myself just fine. So.

Not that my mom is bullying me about this. But I have so much guilt. She deserves to live somewhere nice. I hate that she does this to herself. And blamed her kids.

 

[littleoc]

But someone does need to speak up. I'm sure they're worried about you living there.

I may be able to rely on my little bro for that. He’s already done it before. He’s a strong little man.

 

[littleoc]

Things making it impossible to sleep:

• Fear of no income
• Fear of going hungry or thirsty
• Fear of instability
• Fear of not being good enough

Silver linings?

• None, cuz that tornado didn’t show up to its appointments today :) :)

Still feeling sick to my stomach anyway. I want something strong to make me sleep.

I never took my mom’s pain meds. Mostly because she ended up really needing them and I’d hate myself if (1) she found out I was having emotional distress, (2) if she were in pain with no medicine, and (3) if I got sick/injured and she found out from that traumatic sort of way.

I keep crying thinking about that last bit. Took ibuprofen. I can’t wait for it to stop hurting when I cry. Come on, brain. You’ve healed so much. Just a little more, eh?