Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[TTC18]

LOL the octopus!!

 

[littleoc]

I’m so sorry, I’ll answer properly in ten to twelve hours or so. I just need a rant spot real quick.

My thoughts are really bothering me. My brain is pulling up proof that it is a bad person, and it’s frustrating. It feels more like a thing is whispering bad thoughts into it and for some reason it’s listening.

For example, the memory of the move-back into this house. I kept getting angry at my mom. Because she was trying to help me and she was going to hurt herself. Then got rushed out of nowhere. Such a bad day. Such an awful person attached to that body.

And that “wound” on my groin is acting up. Flashbacks. I looked at it again and once again it’s white and raised. I don’t understand. It happened 13 years ago. I know it was 13 years ago. I didn’t even fully dissociate and I wish I had. The sound of the sawing. The feeling of sawing and trying to hold still so it wouldn’t cause unneeded harm. It’s making me sick.

 

[littleoc]

It wasn’t a loud sound. It was a tiny scalpel. This should be bothering me. It was a tiny wound. It wasn’t even dangerous. Except that I kept trying to clean it with peroxide. That must have made it scar. Cells couldn’t heal.

 

[littleoc]

Oh, I must be seeing a scar. It scarred.

 

[littleoc]

I have way too many scars on my thighs and groin area.

 

[littleoc]

I really need a stronger anxiety medication. Do y’all know about Valium? It works for the cat, would it work for me? Can I afford it?

I think not telling my mom goodnight made my mind go a little crazy. I’m afraid she’s lonely.

 

[TTC18]

:hug: that is awful!!!

 

[TTC18]

I know nothing about anything.. but I wish I did. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Trying to think of something else, but my brain has glitched and I can’t get seem to get to my usual go-to happy memories. That spot on my groin is hurting so I really should chill.

Hmmmmm. Good memory. Good memory. Got one. Meeting L for the first time. He was incredibly excited. Lived across the hall from me with a psycho named J. Haha. He was 18 or 19. L dated two abusive ladies before he found A. I love A. I want to keep her forever. She just adopted a dog called Ranger. She’s gonna train him to help her with her anxiety :D Very hopeful!! L is an archeogost, specializes in Ancient Rome and Ancient Greece. Loves dogs more than people. But not in a bad way. In a great way. Nestle loves the shit out of that man. He has been stabbed before but he is way stronger than I am. He tells that story often and it’s nice to hear how he defended himself. He’s a really cool, comforting dude. A teddy bear.

Hopefully he doesn’t see this, though. Lol. I doubt he would but maybe I better shorten a couple of names to be sure.

 

[littleoc]

:hug: that is awful!!!

Thanks for the hugs :) :hug:

And no worries, it really was minor. It happened in the mist of more important issues. It’s just that after my TBI, the insurance-forced doctor

Actually, never mind. My ears started to ring! And I’m calm now anyways. :) Thanks for listening :hug:

I’m going to try to rest now. The distraction worked, and it stopped hurting. :)

 

[littleoc]

Happy 3:40AM though!! At 3:45AM I’m gonna enjoy the numbers being in order and then finally fall asleep lol

 

[TTC18]

Yes, get some sleep!! :)