Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[LuckiLee]

You weren't alone. I was following along. Hugs to you. ❤

 

[siniang]

That’s what it’s called in English too, I think. Yellow passion fruit, right? The whole fruit, or a supplement of some kind? Could really do with some sleep.

It's made from the passion flower and...something else, I think. Ah, hop! And valerian!

And the good thing: no risks (worst case? You just sleep a few hours longer), usually no side effects.

I can't find it to buy online in the US (but just did a real quick google search), but there gotta be something similar over here (frankly? Knowing this is probably for my own benefit, too :D Who knows when I might need it again - wonder if I should ask friends or family back home to send me some?)

Just found this, maybe something helpful in there (only scanned it):
How the 3 Sisters of Sleep Can Help

 

[littleoc]

Thank you, I'll look into that when I'm feeling able to read it. :hug:'s back to people. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I found out that whiskey works pretty well at alleviating my OCD symptoms in the moment. Maybe when I tell my psychiatrist this she'll listne. I'm sure I'll regret this in an hour. I'm not a drinker. I seem to have more tolerance than expected. Makes sense; dad is alcoholic. But at the same time, I don't want to be alcoholic probably. It makes typing make too long because I keep making mistakes. But whatever I can do to survive being here ought to do for now.

I'm here to talk about a dream I had last night. Next post will be that . Adter that, I'm going to talk about a flashback I keep having that doesn't seem PTSd level to me, but is apparently bothering me anyaay.

 

[littleoc]

Last night I dreamt that I was trying to plan a Thanksgiving dinner with my grandparents. I was a child and everything was really dark. I wasn't blind, everything was just dark. Tinted. My mom had this gross boyfriend named Kiwi I think who she wanted to take with her even though she hadn't known him for long. I was aware that my grandparents would frown on that and was trying to convince her to either not go or to not take him with her. She acted like my opinion was shit.

I was under a lot of pressure to make it work, so I relied on Fungus.

That summoned Brandi and Brandi and I started arguing about who was the abusive one, basically. She was saying that I was the bad one, that I was trying to brainwash her and I felt powerful doing so. I retaliated with points that proved that she was in the wrong. In response, she started doing her guilt trip thing, but I didn't realize that in the dream. In the dream, when she started this up, I listened and felt sad for her that her life sucked. She told me about how Jamie started cutting herself and Brandi is having trouble finding work. I saw that Jamie's skin was just missing, she'd sliced it all off and was a bloody mess. After that I submitted and let her talk about her life. I felt like I love doing her a favor by listening. Didn;t realize until after I work up that that was how Brandi manipulated me in real life.

I have a feeling that this isn't coming across as as terrifying as it felt in the dream. I woke up terrified and wrestling with what it means that I still wish her well but know she's only going to try to use me if I ever try to help again.

 

[littleoc]

Fungus is an adult technically. Sort of falls outside the range of child/adult. It's sort of not from a human perspective. I could use that in a really interesting way in fiction.

 

[littleoc]

The flashback I keep having:

Has to do with my first computer I ever owned. Gifted to me by my "father."

I was in my room minding my own business. I was about 12. I heard my dad start to yell and scream. I was instantly tense. Listened in for a while. He was yelling at my little brother and telling him to delete something. \

After about thirty minutes of this, I felt that I should see what's going on, act. So I left my bedroom and entered the living room, where my dad was SCREAMING at my little brother, who looked pale and terrified.

My mom was standing in the living room. Not between my little brother and my dad. Just off to the side, staring at them. Not doing anything to protect anyone, not doing anything to offer support or peacekeeping, Just Standing There.

I figured I better do something. But I was angry as f*ck and so I yelled at my dad, "Stop yelling at people. That's enough."

He looked at me with this demonic look in his eyes. Looked like murder. I thought he was going to charge me. But then he yelled back, with his neck puffing out and his eyes bulging a little, "[Little Bro] deserves to be yelled at. You wouldn't understand, you're a stupid child who does whatever any adult says. Just stay out of the way."

In a rage I went outside. I could hear him yelling from outside. None of the neighbors paid any attention.

I didn't know why he was yelling at Little Bro, but I was angry. it wasn't fair.

The rest of the day was quiet, except that Little Bro was pale and sweaty all day and my mom wouldn't look at him. N o one talked about that afternoon.

And then at/after midnight, after my dad had passed out. My Little Bro very quietly crept into my room. I'm a light sleeper so it woke me up. He stared at me and had this look in his eyes. Fear and begging for mercy.

He said, "can I please please please use your computer?"

"Why?" I asked.

He told me that our dad had been spying on him and he didn't know it. Our dad is a computer nerd and had been tracking the keyboard to gain passwords and other information. My dad had logged into his YouTube account and found all the messages of Little Bro talking about his abuse, including a fake incident of being stabbed in the stomach. (The rest was true, most likely, and honesly I can't say my dad didn't stab anyone. Dud'es killed people.) My dad was going to search through them thoroughly the next day with Little Brother. Little Bro wanted to use my computer to delete the evidence.

I was scared. I knew if my dad caught me helping him I would be toast. But I didn't want to just stand around staring at him. I told him to go ahead, and I would pretend to be sleeping, and I would close the door to make it look like no one else was in my room. He quietly worked for an hour or so. Then as he left he was less pale and looked so thankful.

I never heard another word aboutit.

 

[littleoc]

He looked at me with this demonic look in his eyes. Looked like murder. I thought he was going to charge me. But then he yelled back, with his neck puffing out and his eyes bulging a little, "[Little Bro] deserves to be yelled at. You wouldn't understand, you're a stupid child who does whatever any adult says. Just stay out of the way."

Forgot to add. At the same time my mom looked at me also. My focus was on my dad, but I glanced at her becasue she was trying to make eye contact with me. I dont know what she wanted. She looked like she was trying to warn me not to escalate things, but it made me angrier.

 

[littleoc]

Or maybe it's angry me now who's getting angry. I'm not really sure. My brain is having trouble dealing with present versus past right now.

 

[littleoc]

Ate a pound of carrots.

 

[Freida]

Holy crap. I can't even imagine dealing with that as an adult...and you were a child! I'm so sorry. No one should have to live like that :hug:

 

[littleoc]

:hug:’s back :)

I decided to schedule an earlier appointment with my psychiatrist and throw out any other open containers of alcohol. I sort of backed out on the latter point because it’s an expensive yummy thing, so instead I’m going to shove it in the back of the freezer and only have a little bit on Saturdays. Should be easy as long as I’m not having it enough to think that temporary relief of symptoms is worth the potential cost to my poor organs. Sorry, organs. Y’all need to remind my brain which one of us is keeping us alive occasionally.