Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I had a dream that I found newborn puppies. It was a bad dream but that part was fantastic. :D

 

[littleoc]

Regulated now ?? Thanks for letting me have this space to be stressed out somewhere. I can’t even picture how to express that in real life. I suppose I should mention that to my therapist.

My mom was caught in rain while trying to walk. Y’all who’ve been here a while might remember (no worries if you don’t) that she can’t walk. She had her cane instead of her walker so it was slooooooow goooooing. I wasn’t going to leave her hobbling in the rain by herself, so we got covered in rain and soot! It was fun lol

 

[littleoc]

I didn’t bring Nestle to that so she wasn’t there to be upset about it, no worries. (It was an early firework show. Thankfully the booms don’t bother me at all. They do bother Nestle a lot though, so I just don’t take her. But it was pouring so Nestle would’ve been miserable regardless.)

Also, I found out there’s a law stating that you can’t bring a service dog to an interview without permission, and the employers in this context only are allowed to ask for documentation on your disability. Wild. I did research on it and sure enough... Weird how I’m still being asked illegal questions besides this though, lol. Great to know they’re allowed to do that, I guess!

 

[somerandomguy]

They're not allowed, they just don't care.

 

[Freida]

Jobs are allowed to verify that you have a medical issue that requires a service dog and ask how the dog helps you. I listed a couple things...he alerts me to when I need my medication, and he acts as a barrier between me and others so they don't bump into me.

I was super stressed about it at the time because I was still trying to adapt to the whole ptsd thing, but looking back it really wasnt as invasive as I thought.

I was expected to assist the agency with my accommodations. For example --I worked with a gal who was highly allergic to dogs so my plan was to park SD outside her office if I needed to go see her. So start thinking ahead on how you can make life easier for them. No, it's not required but it shows you are aware of the challenges she can bring and you are willing to be proactive

 

[littleoc]

I’m going to get a shit job just so I can buy a dumpster to empty out at least one of these goddamned rooms. I can’t take it anymore. It’s unfair that I have to live like this, with HER SHIT being more important than my health and wellbeing. Every morning I see it and I’m filled with rage and resentment, and I hate that because that’s not who I am at all.

Guess I don’t need to worry though. My mom and sister are so f*cking judgemental of other people that it’s ridiculous. (And they wonder why they can’t get friends? They even act like it’s other people’s fault. “People suck.” Maybe you suck.)

Yesterday on the way to the park for more fireworks (which was fun, I’m just angry right now because im sitting in my “office” trying to concentrate but can’t because there’s trash everywhere and nowhere to set down my papers to take notes) my mom started talking about all her dates she had as a teenager. She sounded like she was confident in how bad they were? Like she thought she was telling an interesting story and was proud of that? I’m not sure, I’m not a mild reader. But she apparently thought it was normal that her second husband, on their first date, refused to buy her food and just left her ends of fries he bit off of for her lunch — and she just went with it and then married him after that. I told her, “If a person did that to me, I wouldn’t even stay long enough to say bye.” And she just proudly went, “I married him.” What the f*ck? How does someone’s life get that f*cked up? Why did I have to be the one to fix it?

I’m trying really hard not to be hateful here and I’m honoring my mother my not lashing out at her (my rabbi says that’s legit and fine, “honor” means different things to different people in different situations) but god f*cking damn she’s making me insane. It’s hard enough living here, but how am I supposed to be comfortable when she has so much stuff that I dread her bringing home canned foods because the last batch is blocking the rest of what was once a living room? I tried to play with the cat, and the dog came up join and suddenly there wasn’t room for any of the three of us to turn around. Seriously, a miniature domestic shorthair cat was suck in a tangle with us. In a “dining room.” There’s no room to breathe. It’s so dark during the day because opening the windows is not just a hassle, but is nearly impossible. Can’t get to them. Even if I could, I’d have to close them by nightfall or else the neighbors would see it. And the neighbors next door think woman shouldn’t be allowed to live alone and are constantly looking for ways to get the city involved with my mom, so it won’t be long now, right? One glimpse or suspicion and I’ll have nowhere to live.

My mom spent a f*cking fortune helping my aunts get married to each other because they needed to file bankruptcy so they wouldn’t get evicted from their house. But the f*cking reason she was stressed about it was because my aunts are hoarders too (I know I havent mentioned them here, they’re too stressful for me to talk about) and they were going to “lose all their valuable stuff.” VALUABLE? YOU MEAN TRASH. TRY SELLING IT IN A F*CKING YARDSALE AND WATCH PEOPLE REJECT IT FOR EIGHT HOURS STRAIGHT AND TELL ME AGAIN THAT IT’S VALUABLE. They couldn’t even install the A/C my mom bought them (without asking them) because their stuff blocks the way to any window. Their roof f*cking caved in and they’ve preferred to leave it there for several summers and winters in a row because it’s easier than getting any professional involved. EVICTION SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA? Who would want to live there??

Yeah, I know it’s technically more secure than being homeless, shut up though, I’m just ranting. I’m so angry. I’m sick of shit. Sick of it. I can’t even feed my dog properly. My dog can’t walk. My cat can’t play. I can’t find ANYTHING I NEED, EVER. But if I try to get rid of it, it f*cking summons my mom who’ll say “hey wait we might need that for something” COOL I’M SURE IT WILL BE LOST AND BROKEN BY THE TIME YOU THINK YOU NEED IT, IF YOU EVER NEED IT AGAIN, YOU F*CKING WHITE TRASH.

 

[littleoc]

Remember those awful pictures I posted here at the beginning of the year? With the dog chilling in the “dining room” and i captioned it “I spy the table” because it was literally a giant pile of shit over a hidden biohazard that smells like ammonia and it made my 60 pound (100kg ish I think, not looking it up right now) look like a f*cking 10 pound yorkie next to it? Well. Congrats to us, there’s been a new record. Boxes of sweets I kept telling my mom I can’t eat because I can’t have sweets, and neither can she. Bags and bags and bags of not-food that was supposedly donated to us but is mostly king sized cereal bars and puffed up corn with awful flavors that taste like the aftertaste of vomit (not even exaggerating). Bags in the walkway full of plastic forks.

The plastic utensils are great. She got them so dishes wouldn’t pile up in the sink. Guess what? She saves every plastic utensil and washes it so she can use them again.

We don’t have money for her bills, supposedly, but we still have money for literal trash she’s buying and washing so she’s wont have to deal with the metal ones, I guess.

It is no longer possible to vacuum. My bare foot accidentally touched the floor the other day and the sensation was like stepping in a pre-teen’s greasy hair.

And she’s useless about it. Useless. She thinks adding “one more thing” won’t matter because it’s alrwady cluttered. She literally calls the half of the dining room beyond the table “the Abyss” because she can’t get anything that falls over there. She’ll yell at the cat and blame her for things going back there.

On top of that she’s still being a bitch about my twin brother moving away. She apparently believes he owes her despite her telling him for years that his religion is made up and stupid. She’s so stupid. I’m sorry but I can’t stop thinking it. I’m so angry at her and I just want to leave. I’ve NEVER DEALT WITH ANYONE THIS THICK IN THE HEAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. And I lived with my dad.

Years of therapy out of the f*cking window, too. This place has gone beyond retraumatizing me. I should have known on that day I had to move back, more than a f*cking year ago.

I can’t stop having nightmares either. I have half a mind to go live with my dad. At least my mom won’t try to kill or rape me in my sleep. A big plus, I’d day. I’m also extremely happy I don’t also have to deal with Brandi’s f*cking stupid “problems” while I’m working this out. Not sure how I would have worked around Fungus’s schedule.

My service dog can’t work sometimes because of this house, and training another dog is out of the question. I tried explaining to my aunt that I have to move out because I need a dog, and she’s just upset now that Nestle isn’t immortal. She literally believes I should live here forever. My mom’s family is apparently f*cking stupid.

 

[littleoc]

Anyway, my little brother is struggling with his PTSD, sounds like. I’m honored that he trusts me with that information. I’m thinking bout telling him about this website, but warning him about what my username is so we can block each other. I’m sure he’ll need to talk about the way I bullied him as a kid. Doesn’t matter if my dad pitted us against each other for amusement. Alternately I could tell his wife who probably needs the support as a supporter. My brother tells me their marriage is “on ice” because of his stuff lately. Not sure what that means but it made me sad for both of them. I want to help but I can barely find a place to eat or sleep.

I wanted to buy a new bed literally a year ago. My back hurts so much and my bed can’t even be replaced. I’ve had it since I was a toddler. I noticed that it’s also an “extra extra firm” mattress and when I asked my mom why she got me a firm mattress (last year) she said, with shock, “There are other kinds of mattresses?” What....

 

[littleoc]

Immagine having so much “clutter” that your housemate can’t put their clothes away.

 

[Freida]

oh hun I'm so sorry. but a little bit proud too --- because you are finally getting mad. You are figuring out that you don't deserve this. That your life can be better. That you are not responsible for her choices in life. And those are wonderful things! Plus anger will give you the energy you need to move forward

I know it’s technically more secure than being homeless

I'm not sure it is. First off horder houses are huge fire risks, the EMS crew can't get to you if you are injured and the smell you have to deal with can be toxic as well as stinky. And if your roof is caving in? Ya -- that is not secure housing.

You are not responsible for your moms choices.
Your life is yours to live and you have a right to live it as you wish to -- not as someone else does.
You haven't lost what you gained in therapy -- you are just getting a chance to put it into motion.

You can do this. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

WASHING clothes has become a nightmare. Towels too. Anything. I have to put on real shoes, carefully carry the basket through the house, usually leaving a trail of knocked over junk. Make my way downstairs without breaking my neck. Squeeze into the basement room thing, which has junk piled literally to the ceiling in a 5x10 foot space.

The other day (like a week ago) the light bulb down there went out and I swear to God I’ve been having nightmares about that room every night since then.

I forgot to tell you guys but there was a tornado in my home town last week and my mom went missing. My sister was cool with it until I sounded panicked (I know I look like I panic a lot here but in real life I’m so chill that people think I’m weird. I guess itsmostly an act, I don’t even know for sure.). Turns out my mom just left her phone at home because it blends in with the trash and then for some reason went grocery shopping while the city was freaking out. Good times. When I finally found her she sounded surprised that there was any danger anywhere. Probably for the best I guess.

I was just sort of upset that it DIDNT affect this house because I’m sick of this place, I have been since I was 10 years old.

 

[littleoc]

Plus anger will give you the energy you need to move forward

I hope so. I’ve put out a lot of f*cking energy lately. Mostly by walking to the kitchen every morning.

That was a joke. I can channel my anger somewhere useful.

You can do this. :hug:

Thank you. I appreciate that. A lot.

I'm not sure it is. First off horder houses are huge fire risks, the EMS crew can't get to you if you are injured and the smell you have to deal with can be toxic as well as stinky. And if your roof is caving in? Ya -- that is not secure housing.

That’s true. It sure doesn’t feel safe. Not just the PTSD talking either. I’m very worried about fires. Gonna go waste money on a new fire extinguisher soon. Hard to spend money on food when you’re worried that cooking could end your life.

And it’s my aunts’ house whose roof is caving in. If that happened at our house I have no idea what I’d do. But I assume I’d draw a line at snow in the living room and probably I’d go live literally anywhere else.

I think I should take Scottie’s offer to stay at his house. I’m going nuts.