Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Too overwhelmed. Canceled therapy for a month straight now. I canceled today’s appointment. Didn’t even start last week’s homework which was due last night. I want to write about it. I think I’ll nap first and worry about it slightly later

 

[MrMoonlight]

Rest well littleoc.

 

[Freida]

Time for some grounding and self-care maybe??? Just sayin -- before I break out my feather duster!

 

[littleoc]

???

Closest emoji I could find, @Freida :P


Just here to say I found a triggering article but it’s important to me. So I’m compromising by forgetting it for now, and putting it here for when I’m able to go back to my research. I want to see what updates, if any, are around in the last six years.

The disabled children locked up in cages

 

[littleoc]

I have written on my mirror for now in dry erase marker to remember to take my meds, because my routine got messed up enough that I just forgot about them (which is very unusual of me)

I’m going to try to download an app soon to allow me to remember better, but I need to type in some passwords and factory reset my phone before I can do it, evidentially

(Don’t buy an Apple phone)

 

[littleoc]

I’m very sad about my childhood lately. Scottie asked me a question about it a couple of days ago and it’s something I don’t get to talk about freely without fear of judgement, so I told him what my normal was. He’s a great dude and listened with the curiosity of someone hearing about a person’s childhood. Afterward, though, he acknowledged that I’ve been through a shitload. It made me sad.

He was wondering why my mom didn’t step in. I don’t know. I’m the one who fixed everything. He told me what y’all were talking to me about last year, that he doesn’t like my mom and finds her to be toxic and manipulative, even if she’s not doing it on purpose.

I mentioned one particular behavior to my little brother and he dismisses it as “impatience” toward a cat rather than abusive or aggressive behavior.

It’s left me uncomfortable and confused.



Due to not taking my meds enough, a recurring dream came back but more distressing because it involved Nestle. I have been high stress this week. My mom didn’t help and I became mute for a short time and fled. I’m very frustrated about this and frustrated that I don’t know sign language. Neither does my deaf twin brother. I think looking for classes might give me a little confidence, but I’m not sure. The little sign language I did learn (for empowerment) as a kid backfired just enough that I still can’t even lift my arms if someone tells me to. I’ve been learning Spanish and have gotten to a level of understanding it and writing it well but if I try to use it at work I suddenly loose my voice. I’ve gone mute a couple times at work but have hidden it fairly well, I think.

And I still haven’t put in here what happened with that friend I tried to make. It was very scary for me and frankly I’m not over it. It’s funny but also very not and it’s not something that would have normally happened. It has to do with Brandi. Who I’m realizing more and more every day never loved me at all or was incapable of loving in a healthy way.

Things have been confusing lately.

But also pretty okay.

One of my aunts is triggering me a lot. I made a temporary room for my aunts upstairs but my aunt’s wife is disgusting. She mostly can’t help it.

 

[littleoc]

Long story short I’ve been overwhelmed. Things are overwhelming at work and school as well. I’ve had a few suicidal thoughts, but I managed them incredibly well and am very excited about it :)

 

[littleoc]

Oh, also, nice thing I realized. I thought I wanted a romantic relationship all this time but I’ve been incredibly satisfied with the platonic friendships I have. It turns out I was just isolating in a “weird” (that is, unusual) and unsafe way.

I think that’s what I wanted from Brandi originally as well. It was nice to be intimate (emotionally and platonically) with someone without there being fixed goals in the relationship. I could say the same about the pedophile. And about that dude in my college. And about that pregnant lady who coaxed me because she accidentally triggered my “training.” As in, I thought I was at fault for wanting something I didn’t. Only the last one was I responsible for. But all my current friendships? Very healthy, and no one is using me to fulfill their fetishes or urges. I just have value as a person and a friend.

Platonic friendships are something I really needed. :) I’m very thankful for them today.

 

[bellbird]

I'm very grateful to be a platonic friend of yours.

I'm also very happy that you managed your suicidal thoughts so well.

There's no pressure from us to write here about what happened with that friend you tried to make. But at the same time, if you do decide to write about it, I will be here to listen without judgement, and support you :hug:

Hopefully things will be a bit easier now with the med reminders.

Sending peace and kindness :hug:

 

[Freida]

Very healthy, and no one is using me to fulfill their fetishes or urges. I just have value as a person and a friend.

This makes me so happy for you!

 

[mumstheword]

Oh, also, nice thing I realized. I thought I wanted a romantic relationship all this time but I’ve been incredibly satisfied with the platonic friendships I have. It turns out I was just isolating in a “weird” (that is, unusual) and unsafe way.

I think that’s what I wanted from Brandi originally as well. It was nice to be intimate (emotionally and platonically) with someone without there being fixed goals in the relationship. I could say the same about the pedophile. And about that dude in my college. And about that pregnant lady who coaxed me because she accidentally triggered my “training.” As in, I thought I was at fault for wanting something I didn’t. Only the last one was I responsible for. But all my current friendships? Very healthy, and no one is using me to fulfill their fetishes or urges. I just have value as a person and a friend.

Platonic friendships are something I really needed. :) I’m very thankful for them today.

This is, really, great, to hear @littleoc :-)

 

[somerandomguy]

Thinking about you today, @littleoc.
:hug: