Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I haven't heard from section 8 nor the landlord. My voucher expires on the 4th, so that's. Not great. :(

It's frustrating because I was more than ready in January of last year, even began touring homes before they gave me the voucher, but everything went wrong that could go wrong.

That, and eventually I was given so little time (and therapists and doctors let me down so badly) that the only housing I could find will only let me bring two pets, and I have a million.

So, so tired of all of this work just to get nowhere. Two year's work wasted. And no good options left by the end -- I was just cornered into a weird choice I had to make during the only time of the year that was basically only two working weeks because of the holidays. -_- Not to mention the extreme struggles with mental health.

I guess it wasnt going to work either way, but, again, so tired of this. it's making me so angry and frustrated that nothing I'm doing is going anywhere, and this is far from plan A. Which was to get a job in f*cking 2017 and buy a house myself.

So f*cking stupid. No part of my life is going well, I swear to g-d.

 

[littleoc]

I am so sorry things are so tough right now. Is there a chance you can get your moms house? How would that work?

I MIGHT be in the will to inherit my mom's house. She lost her house because of my father using the balloon payment on the mortgage to instead buy drugs/alcohol, and obviously my mom couldn't come up with more money to pay it, so the house was foreclosed. My dad's stepmother, my late grandma, was able to buy it in her and my grandfather's name, and they rented it to my mom, who never financially recovered from my father (who grew up wealthy as f*ck, by the way).

But, in 2022 or 23, or whatever, my older sister panicked so much about having to get rid of her house due to a divorce, that she called my grandmother and tried to convince her to sell my mom's house (neither talked to my mom about this) to pay for HER house instead. Which caused my grandmother to send a realtor over to estimate the worth of the house, whereupon when my grandmother saw pictures the realtor tricked us into allowing her to take (long story short, saying it was for the appraisal but actually just sending them to my father's mom), she became convinced that no one could possibly be living here and began working with me on a required plan for me to be independent enough through disability (which didn't work) to get me moved out so she could get rid of the house once and for all. All without discussing it with my mother.

Or me, by the way, my sister just assuming that I could stay with my best friend whose abusive parents immediately put a target on my head the week I moved in, because I told them abusing animals until they die is abuse. (Genuinely, it was a whole thing, it was traumatic obviously, but way more so for the cat and dogs who died. Absolutely awful people.)

So. Before then she (Grandma) told me her will said that on her and my grandfather's passings, my mom would get the house. Unless my mom had passed away, then I would get the house.

But because of everything that happened, I'm not sure who's getting what anymore. and my grandfather's been sick and unable to have us visit for a long time now. And I'm not sure I'm comfortable asking either way.

I'm STAYING at my mom's, but was hoping to get out to have better space away to go through all the shit in this house and make it more comfortable, but that plan isn't going to work, either, like no plan of mine has pretty much ever, since I was a kid starting this dumbass diary.

Aka, long story short, I might be inheriting this house in this neighborhood that everyone who's ever heard the story of told me to get tf out.

My original plan in the 2010s-2020s to be able to use special funds to buy my first house would be messed up if I ended up owning this house also, but whatever.

I'm sorry for being grumpy in my answer to you, I just need to get the frustration out. I'm so tired of nothing working.

I'd have housing perfectly fine if my therapist and doctor and psychiatrist all actually wrote the letters I needed them to in time. They literally end my sessions early and whatever else to assist other patients in emergencies on the fly but as soon as it's me, everything breaks down and it takes them over three months until it's too late to sign necessary paperwork.

I did send section 8 people a desperate email saying I may not live another year if I'm stuck here. But who knows if that will actually help.

I'll go forward with whatever, I guess, but I'm so tired of everything breaking down and being nothing.

At least I'm not with my ex and I got my stalker person who sends 50 texts a day to randomly hate me and block me finally. That's a whole story I won't get into.

I mean, is life supposed to be this hard? Why do people tell you to try to live when genuinely it has to be this whole big thing all the time.

I wish I could kill myself and it instantly benefit a person in a tent community of any kind. Refugee, cartel-run camp, whatever.

 

[Freida]

I'm sorry for being grumpy in my answer to you,

no apologies necessary - you are under a ton of stress so it's totally understandable.

I'm wondering if the delays in getting back to you is because of the holidays? Hopefully now that everyone is back to work it will speed up

Can someone at the section 8 place help with figuring out if you actually own the house? Or maybe at least getting grandma to rent it to you thru them?

 

[littleoc]

Hopefully now that everyone is back to work it will speed up

Maybe. They have today. The voucher expires on Sunday for some reason, though.

Maybe if the landlord turns in their portion this weekend, it will be enough?

I'm so stressed about things I can't get out of bed because I have to face what my life is now. I hate my life and I hate being conscious. I can't believe so many people got better and I got worse because of this stupid sleeping disease and being too poor to get out of the cycles I'm in.

Did finally do some dishes though. Hopefully can get the kitchen cleaned up properly soon. Hopefully that will help.

Can someone at the section 8 place help with figuring out if you actually own the house? Or maybe at least getting grandma to rent it to you thru them?

Grandmother passed away a couple of years ago now, but anyway, section 8 is government funded and therefore suspicious of anyone potentially making government-funded money. They have a rule that you can't rent from a family member ever. Though, regardless, I don't think this house would pass decent-living accommodations right now, because of all the clutter and the mild evidence of mice.

Not as bad as many homes but still not something a section 8 third party inspector would appreciate.

I would have to ask my grandfather about if I will own it in the future or not, but he owns it right now.

Hopefully something works out though, I'm getting to a point where I'm barely sure how to proceed at this point

 

[littleoc]

Just been chilling in the Kroger parking lot for an hour lol -- got me a frozen pizza I can heat up in the oven while I do cat litter. I've gained two more cats, so I try to do litter daily, but I took a short break during the new year celebrations.

Trying to not spiral. Just trying to be chill. I feel embarrassed when I spiral, but also like there's nothing anyone can do, and also also like it doesn't matter if I ever get better. Which it doesn't. No one has to. I more mean I feel invalid and stupid and like no one has the means to help anyone

Not sure how to word it

 

[littleoc]

I love the cats. And my bird. And my snake and my lizard.

 

[littleoc]

I miss Nestle and my mom

 

[littleoc]

It's hard to be chill when you live somewhere where you're constantly uncomfortable

 

[littleoc]

Trying to not spiral.

Feels like saying "trying not to react to my life and instead be like everyone else"

 

[littleoc]

I hope Canada f*cking invades this dumbass country

 

[littleoc]

I was awake for two days straight and my psychiatrist office effed up my meds again -- up because the sibling of Kiki (who just passed from cancer) got sick, and my one life ambition is to make all my cats safe and comfortable as often as possible

But I also haven't had any of my medications since Sunday. And I am completely back to normal.

I'm mad because I knew it and kept getting talked out of stopping my meds, but they are f*cking up my body and mind. And may have affected what time I had left with my mother. So for now on, if it's an experimental science with no way to draw data from blood or brain scans besides my supposed mental health being "better," that's it.

I'm sure my brain went through a lot of changes physically lately, too, that may have made meds stop working how they did. But no psychiatrist will ever check for that. lol

 

[littleoc]

Ok, talked to dr psychiatrist about it. He was fascinated, but we're doing a new game plan to restart meds one at a time to see if they still help or if they don't, and we'll go from there