Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[ms spock]

And I am thinking of you and your bird

 

[littleoc]

Thank you

 

[littleoc]

I hope to be "over" this soon. I am dreading this re-home. They've all been hard, but I'm 31 and have had Dove since I was 11. A very important age in my trauma-narrative, but maybe I no longer need her? Idk. That's not true, I would keep her forever if this situation hadn't happened. Before section 8 fell through she was one of my priorities I was trying to keep with me.

But I've been struggling with making sure she gets enough attention and gets to play often enough outside her house. So there's a positive. I keep reaching for the positives.

I'm not "over" my dog Baby running away in 2010. But I think of her with happiness now and hope she had a good life and we'll see each other again on the other side, whatever that ends up being. And rehoming Dove, while hard, will be easier just because I know it's to a good home. I know where she is going

 

[littleoc]

My sister hasn't brought up the mortgage thing again. I can feel anger that I'm "not trying" but will have to ignore it

It has all gone the best it possibly could, on my end. I've done more than my ex would have. A low bar but that is soothing because I keep fearing she's watching with glee from the sidelines. My abusive dad cares more than she would have. She would be relieved to not have to emotionally support me during this, honestly. I just worry for some reason she's judging and happy I'm going through something like this, because of the things she said to me when we broke off the final time. Getting it off my chest makes it stop.

I guess that is proof enough of how badly my ex treated me, that years later after not really thinking about her, the fears come back when I'm going through something. She used to laugh when teachers hurt me (on accident) in front of the entire class, and say it was the universe punishing me for wronging her. It was shocking and isn't something I am wanting to worry about at all. If anything it bothers me that it came back up, like she's still got some kind of power over me or has cursed me

Meanwhile, I know if I heard this had happened to her, I would be sad for her.

PTSD is dumb. Let me grieve my current situation and not that old relationship, please

 

[littleoc]

I thought I would never be ready to re-home the bird. But I am. I'm ready for her to get a great home

It does not mean we will stop loving each other. her in her bird way and me in my human way