It's funny, I had to look at the date when I started this thread, because at this moment I swore it was months ago - it feels like 5 or 6 months, not just 2 weeks.
I'm not sure what my sign is in all this to be honest, not sure that I even really did or didn't get one. What I do know is I move forward. Each day I dwell less and less on the things of the past. I used to plan out each thing I'd say if given the chance, now it doesn't much matter. Personally I believe now I've been spared. Certain things I had put together lead me to believe he is most likely a raging alcoholic. Many signs point to it, and explains particular times and situations. I don't judge him because it's a symptom that these guys returning back deal with.
I believe I was spared because he wasn't truthful with me about it when he should have been. There are quite a few things I saw past - which began as lies and then I got a "I have to be honest here", and then I'd get the truth. I'm not sure which that falls under - more of a liar or someone trying to be honest. Either way, at this point I'd never trust him, and what's a relationship if you don't have trust? Nothing.
Why does he keep my stuff? Because I do believe he thinks he still has a chance when he straightens out and sobers up. I think he can't let go of the fact that, no matter HOW drunk you are, he knows full well he f*cked up. Absolutely I do. If he didn't drink before, he should be even more heavily by now because he has ruined everything and only has himself to blame, and I believe that he holds onto my things to have a last shot when he has his shit together enough. I do firmly believe that God will give/is giving him such painful guilt it will destroy what's left of him because armyguy knew how decent I was compared to his exwife. That's his cross to bear, not mine. I know I still get tweeks inside me when I reflect on how I have wronged someone in the past - there's really no amount of time which takes that feeling away from you, when you think on it you feel so badly. That's a good thing actually, so that it prevents you from acting that way towards another person ever again.
If you rely on the word, you know you are to forgive. I've chosen that. I can't hold on to anger, why should I punish myself for having done nothing wrong? No thanks. But forgiveness doesn't mean I'd erase all this.
Actually, as I type this out, I can say I wouldn't give him another chance. Why? Because I've seen the real him in all this. I see why his wife cheated, see why a gf before me left. This is the person they had to deal with from past deployments. At the time I never knew about all this ptsd stuff, I naively excused it, and it's why I always say that we are a product of the choices we make. You speed? Don't be surprised when you get a ticket. You push away someone or avoid them? Don't be surprised when you don't get another chance - not all the "baby's" or "I love you's" in the world will help you. He once again chose booze when he came home I believe, he chose liquor instead of me. So fine then. It's HIS liver, not mine.
I ask God often "Why did I get so effed in all this????". Well, I can only think that since I love our military so much, it gave me the opportunity to see what many don't deal with or even think about for our returning men and women. Had I not been given this to deal with, I'd be like so many who say they support the troops, yet are completely clueless as to the trauma to those families. That's what I walk away with - a different and MUCH better appriciation. That's my lemonade I chose to make.
The last guy I was with I begged God for another chance - begged in a way I've never once done in this situation if I'm honest. But with time I have thanked God over and over that I didn't get that second chance because I'd be miserable and unloved by that man. In this case, I think I'm supposed to be greatful with not having to compete with an exwife who sounded like a real treat, and 3 step kids. It could be still in my future, but from some other man - one who didn't treat me this way. We get things handed to us which we feel we haven't deserved, but it's what we choose to do moving forward that makes the difference.
That goes to you gms1976. You have some terrible stories, but you still keep going. Many will read your post and say "Well if she keeps going, so can I". You haven't given up and though you might not think it, there's a hell of a lot to be said in it. A hell of a lot.
