General Combat Ptsd: The Game Of Excuses And Denial

[Nicolette]

I'd love to post more, but it appears that many of us don't belong on this site in some peoples opinions, so let's just leave those miserable people be, and go on with our lives!

Army Brat what Amethist says is correct. I know you shouldn't have to deal with negative opinions however it does take all sorts to make up this world. You do have the right attitude in just leaving those people be and ignoring them as much as possible.

If someone posts something which you feel is inappropriate feel free to have staff look at it by reporting it and they can respond while you retain your anonymity to the situation.

Take care.

 

[wife of]

If this is in reference to my post I would just like to say I am sorry if any offence was taken as none was intended.

The post was written in an effort to obtain insight and understanding.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

I posted it in a personal conversation, but I will do it again here - I apologize to you wife of. My lashing out in both this thread and another was completely inappropriate and solved nothing. It was immature and personally I will continue to post things w/o any concern when you also contribute to them, as I hope it will be vice versa. People come on here to gain insight, not read anyone going ten rounds.

Have you ever watched someone pass away? And they linger...and linger...and linger...and each day you don't know how many more days are still ahead, and it takes everything from you. You wake up with it in your face, you go to sleep with it in your face. You still have moments where you laugh, or run an errand, but it's still there - you're going to go to that place where they are slowly dying, it's in the back of your mind, and it almost stops that moment of laughter. And you look back on how many days you've been through already, still wondering how many are ahead, and you have days where you look up to the heavens and say "ok already! Just take them and end this finally!", but the next day you're relieved when they are still around, regardless of the state they are in, it's not over just yet. Would you stop going to them everyday and sitting with them just because it's uncomfortable as hell? No. You'd be there during as many miserable moments as you were still given.

I have lived that. This rivals it to the nth degree.

I can only say that I fall under the category of "just stopped hearing from my sufferer", and to say that it's absolutely maddening does not even begin to scratch the surface. It's like saying you have a paper cut when your arm has been torn off. Not going to where they are because they obviously aren't ready yet, and not being able to push them along to get to that point has at times taken my sanity. I am fully aware of what an ended relationship is, the finality of it, and can only say that my situation does not point to it in any way shape or form. I've questioned myself if I am pretending or just in denial, everyday to be honest, and can only say that down in my core there is something wrong with him since prior to him coming home - I just do not know what, and that where closure is apparent to individuals who are no longer dedicated to relationships as they were (whether it be in returning of possessions,or an email/text of acknowledgement that it's understood by both parties), this is not there - yet.

It's terribly conflicting when you are trying to decide what the best decision is - leaving someone behind in the dirt just to satisfy your own inborn and self centered need for happiness, or giving the ultimate gift by putting that need aside and suffering in some small way as they are to show a sign of solidarity - because who wants to be a friend that bails in the time of need? I'd rather have no friends at all than a "friend" such as that. Now to those who hear from their sufferer sporadically, if that were me, I can't even imagine what I'd be posting. That's a nightmare all on it's own. But when all communication ceases literally overnight with no warning or reason, each day your heart is ripped open yet again because you don't know if you're making the right move, each day hoping that's perhaps the day you see/hear a sign of life finally. So you go with your gut and whatever you feel in that particular moment, trying to cast aside any anger you feel brewing in the event that if that's the moment you hear from them you won't ruin it by lashing out with "How could you have done this to me?!" Believe me, I asked "is this over...what's going on...hello?...should I move on...." No acknowledgement to them.

I can only say that it's a game of time - whether my entire being says "This really will not continue anymore", or when I hear from him and we've agreed it's just time. Neither has occurred, and when one of them has, especially the latter, I'll be the first one admit that I absolutely no longer would be on this site anymore, because to not would be just wallowing in the sorrow of an ended relationship, and I've done that before so I know what 'ended' is. Somedays I've wished for "ended" because you just know the sense of finality, there's no guesswork involved. Finished is finished. Nothing points yet to finished, at least not yet.

Some come on here unsure about these military men and what they want from the relationship. They/we want answers to what we can do so that we DON'T give up. We don't intend or want to give up, if we did, we wouldn't be on this site. There's a part of us that wants to stay in it, it drives us to stay in it no matter the cost, hoping that we remained even when no one else did any longer. You can read it on the combat site - guys who've lost everything and everyone. It's such a thin fine line between "yes, buck up and press on", and "maybe losses just need to be cut".

And personally for me? Even if my life takes a course which I don't yet know anything about yet, I'd rather be someone that if it were the day before I died finally heard from him, would welcome back into my life for those last 24 hours than close my eyes knowing I had given up and left him behind without a single afterthought or concern. Too many of my fellow countrymen already are to these men (and women) coming home from war, and I'll be g-damned if I am one as well.

 

[wife of]

Apology accepted.

Yes I have watched and nursed someone through a lingering death.

After being with my guy for 20+ years I can honestly say that should he leave I myself would be prepared to wait for the rest of my natural days in the hope he would return.

I do not know how long you have been with your sufferer but my comments were with respect to the small minority who seem to have sometimes only been with someone for a matter of weeks before waiting in the dark for months on end when it seems apparent to all there is no interest or respect from the other party.

Had I been in that position at a young age,I would hopefuly of had the wherewithall to live my life for me.

As I said on my post,my comments were not directed at any individual and the question was asked out of curiosity and I might add some concern that some times it seems some of the young ladies on here are wasting thier lives away in a parody of "Miss Haversham" from great expectations.

 

[living4jesus]

Some come on here unsure about these military men and what they want from the relationship. They/we want answers to what we can do so that we DON'T give up. We don't intend or want to give up, if we did, we wouldn't be on this site. There's a part of us that wants to stay in it, it drives us to stay in it no matter the cost, hoping that we remained even when no one else did any longer. You can read it on the combat site - guys who've lost everything and everyone. It's such a thin fine line between "yes, buck up and press on", and "maybe losses just need to be cut".quote]

.

You described it perfectly AB. This is exactly how I feel. Even tho somedays I feel like giving up. I never do, and never will

 

[living4jesus]

You have probably done all you can - now it's up to him. Again, I'm not saying you HAVE to give up, but he needs to step up and show he's doing what he can. If you don't get that, then he's probably not ready and even though you say you will be there, I imagine he'll get vibes that you want more than he can give, which will only add to his ptsd and issues.

Thanks for posting this AB. This is so true, this really hit home for me, If he does not make the effort to get into treatment then that is a red flag, I have realized myself recently that I cannot make him get help. They need to take responsibility for their actions, and carers need to set boundaries. I have recently set boundaries and I am still working at it. I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for almost 4 years and I have known he has PTSD for a while, but now that it is getting worse I see myself going into denial alot especially when there are good days. I still am in denial at times, but that could be because I tend to be extremly optimistic. But when there are bad days I want to give up completly. You really have to look deep inside yourself and pray about it.

 

[Rick A.]

Newbie2011, He should have told you up front about his PTSD.

<It is not necessary to quote the whole post when replying. Mentioning the member's name is usually all that is needed. Thanks Amethist.>

 

[newbie2011]

Rick A I agree with you however he has since told me that he told me of his PTSD when he was diagnosed....however he must have been aware of his symptoms prior to this but probably denying it. I suppose I'll not find out the truth.

 

[Rick A.]

Newbie 2011 .... The reason I commented was because I tell everyone up front I have been diagnosed for PTSD/ 'shell shock'.

So It's up to them, if they want to continue interacting ... or walk away. My first date with the woman (I hope to marry someday) was told midway through or 12 hour 'coffee date'. It's been almost 4 years and we still have a well balanced relationship because, she has PTSD as well. 'Soul Mates'? .... You betcha.

 

[newbie2011]

I'm pleased that you have found your soul mate and continue to have a well balanced relationship Rick :)
I think it is only fair if someone has PTSD to be upfront about it, then it's up to the other partner to research the condition and decide whether they want to continue. In some ways it was a relief when he told me he had it as there was definitely an 'aha' moment where things fell into place with his behaviour and stopped me thinking I was going mad! After researching the condition, it then made me analyse my behaviour too and be more patient with him and try to prevent triggering him....I wasn't always successful but at least I was becoming aware.

 

[ClairBear226]

Wow. This is the kind of post that makes me not want my husband on here. How disheartening. I understand that this was directed to those that aren't married, but since my husband and I dated for 4 years before we tied the knot, I know a few things about a PTSD relationship. I also understand that it was specifically targeted towards Combat PTSD, of which mine is not. I was diagnosed the same year he and I began dating (1993). The trauma that got me to that point occurred in 1988. We're both healthcare professionals, and had a sort of vague idea of what PTSD was, but it was before the days of internet, so information was scant at best. I made the decision to leave therapy after only 3 sessions, so after the initial diagnosis, he and I really found our way through together.

I can't say that it's been easy. It really hasn't been. There have been things that have stood in our way and made things difficult. I have had issues with crowds long before I realized it was related to PTSD, and I have enormous trust issues. When the time came that we needed to face infertility, that was another issue that posed a lot of difficulty, as my trauma was related to sexual assault. I've had times where I've crashed over the years and the flashbacks and depression have been bad, and have had many a nightmare that's caused him to be clubbed during the night. We faced all of it together. He has been patient and kind, and always makes me laugh. Even when he's reached some serious levels of frustration, he was always angry at the PTSD and the effects it has had on us, not me directly. He's walked this journey hand in hand with me.

That said, I don't take advantage of it in any way that I can consciously name. I don't run off and disappear for days on end, I don't use it as an excuse for bad behavior. I've graduated from nursing school and worked the entire time, and I haven't let it stop me from living the life I want. Not everyone can do that. Some have symptoms more severe than mine.

I have to say that a healthy relationship with a PTSD diagnosis is very much possible. It isn't for everyone, and it takes patience and courage from both parties involved. My husband and I have been together for almost 19 years, and have been married for 14. I'm currently coping with the worst crash I've had since I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and he is still right by my side. Please know that not all PTSD relationships need to end in failure. I don't think it's a lot more difficult than dealing with any other chronic illness. Some can handle the additional challenges and others can't. Some relationships are meant to stand the test of time and others aren't. And I'm very glad that no one told us when we were in our 20's that we couldn't do it.

 

[sea]

That said, I don't take advantage of it in any way that I can consciously name. I don't run off and disappear for days on end, I don't use it as an excuse for bad behavior.

I think that is the point of this thread. The simple fact is that PTSD isn't an excuse for bad behavior. So if your spouse is obnoxiously isolating and ignoring you and refusing to respect boundaries and disrespecting you, it's not PTSD. It's just a person who is unable to deal with their issues or be in a relationship.

If any other person you were dating suddenly dropped off the map for two weeks and then called and expected to resume right where you picked up off, you'd tell them to go f*ck themselves, right? So why is it any different with PTSD? It isn't. That's the point of this thread. A lot of supporters come here with just that situation, believing it's "just PTSD and maybe they really love me."

The truth, is that their significant other just isn't capable of having a healthy relationship. And if they don't pick up the phone for the person they supposedly love for two weeks in a row, chances are, they aren't capable of wanting to work on their problems, either. Hence the "denial" aspect of Army Brat's initial post.