Combative Personalities

[the racha]

Hi, all. I've been able to start working again; for about the past 6 months, I have been a consultant. This is great for me, because I get to work from home and really structure my day so that I can do the things I need to do to heal.

However, I just got a new client that has quite a combative personality. She is not mean, she is not a bully; but her style of learning is by constantly challenging everything that I say. I really, REALLY do not like aggression in conversation. It's a trigger, and I'm instantly anxious and progressively exhausted throughout the conversation.

Any advice? I would hate to lose income, but I'm not going to live my life in fear of our next draining, exhausting, symptom-inducing conversation. I want to be able to stay cool as a cucumber, even though she's aggressively pushing me to explain myself. Is this impossible?

racha

 

[Mina]

Hi, Racha - that's great that you've been working! I'm sorry to hear that this client is causing issues for you. It's really good of you to note that this is her learning style, not a personal attack on you. I'm one of those people who learns in a similar manner...always asking, "Why?" and such...and have had several people take it wrong. I think part of the reason I'm like this is because growing up, there was never any discussion or explanation in our household on any issues, from food to religion - it was always, "This is how it is," and often things made little to no sense at all. Plus, I just like to become educated on new topics.

So because of the way I learn, I've noticed that when I train others, I automatically explain myself or the why or wherefore before anyone even asks. Might this be a possibility when you're dealing with this client? I don't know what the nature of your consultancy is and if that would work, but I wonder if she wouldn't be challenging what you say so much if you give an explanation...a "because"...before she can ask.

 

[Jestadud]

I'm totally with Mina on this an explanation of how some information might be used is the only way I could grasp what is being taught.

At school I was in the bottom two for maths with a very bad relationship with the teacher all for keep asking why, when I went to college I was in the top two because everything was given with an example of where and how it might be used.

 

[anni]

Hi Racha,

Whew. I clicked on this post because this is also a hugeee trigger for me! You articulated the situation perfectly, too and I found myself cringing just thinking about it. :) If someone engages me with energy and alot of directness I instantly interpret that as aggression.

I was really happy to see that there were some replies from members who learn in this way because it certainly enables one to personalize that style in a non-threatening way. I know I always am automatically triggered, after which there's just no intellectualizing anything. After reading their replies I know I'm going to be able to use that information in my own interactions so thanks to everyone!

I don't know if this will be helpful so please do not be frustrated if it is not. Everyone is different, and everyone tends to develop coping mechanisms which 'work' for them. Alot of coping mechanisms develop instinctually, I think, and are hence a little tough to describe. I know that if I recognize I'm going to be dealing with one of these high-energy individuals I'll have to acknowledge it before I get triggered. ( It's been a teaching situation with me also ) It's not the same as getting triggered, but I do get very, very alert like I'm able to direct that adrenaline into just paying attention. It just feels like I'm more on top of the situation -more like I'm equally involved instead of fielding wild balls. I can kind of ping-pong back and forth with them without getting anxious, if that makes any sense. It's still a little exhausting, though, I have to say.

I almost deleted this because it sounds so inane and unhelpful, but I really do know what you're saying so at least thought I'd send it and risk the humiliation. :) I have to say that hearing what M and J had to say may have negated the entire paragraph in any case!

Hope your next class is better, and take care,

Anni

 

[the racha]

Thanks, all, for your thoughtful replies.

I think I'll probably have to take multiple approaches to deal with this personality type. I don't mind getting asked "why," at all, it's the energy that she directs at me when she's asking it. This is definitely a "high energy," type personality-- I just cannot (physically or mentally) engage her at that level. Do you know what I mean? It seems like everything she asks me is followed by "?!!??!!!?"

I think, Mina, that I will definitely try to erase "That's the way it is" from my lexicon. I guess though that, at a certain point, if someone doesn't want to accept that 2+2=4 then out of frustration I may say "That's the way it is."

Anni, I really like your suggestion of (a) acknowledging beforehand that I'm about to interact with a high energy person, so like I prepare myself, and (b) staying focused throughout the conversation. It sounds exhausting, but perhaps it will be less exhausting than, as you said, fielding wild balls followed by "??!!!!!??!!"

Thanks again,
racha

 

[becvan]

I am one of those high energy people and often get told I'm aggressive. I would suggest that if you don't know, instead of saying that's the way it is, try telling her you don't know but you will try to find out. I am one of those people that would question why does 2+2=4, it's not a lack of acceptance nor just to be a pain, it's because I don't understand their explanation. If you find you are hitting that wall with this person, try to change the language you are using. Does this person say.. see, I see that, anything to do with vision? If they do they are visual learners and she may understand something written in front of her. If it's I feel you (anything to do with touch) then she's probably a hands on learner and just needs to do whatever it is herself and if she talk about hearing you she's an audio leaner and needs to hear it.

There are combinations of that but hopefully that will help you some.

bec

 

[the racha]

Thx, Bec. It isn't that I don't have answers, it's that she doesn't like my answers. In addition, her tone and energy are just super aggressive. By contrast, that type of energy really wears me out. In my every day life, I just avoid people like that or if they do start to get aggressive, I just move on to the next topic of convo. But since she's my client, I can't do that, really.

Thank you for your advice on the visual/tactile stuff. I think she is a visual person, I'll try to use some of those tactics.

racha