Relationship Coming Down From A Trigger

[Nicolette]

I have been thinking about this thread and do not dispute that obviously your boyfriend is being stressed by something when he comes to see you.

Firstly, you must put you first and all I can see is this destroying your self esteem and worth if you continue to accept you are the responsibility of being the trigger to the point where you are not being yourself. You must stop this now. Yes it is not helpful to say how sad and lonely you have been as that would add to your boyfriend's guilt but on the other side of the coin is that you are not being yourself and sound miserable as a result.

You mentioned kids.....this sort of situation of backwards and forwards and you being on edge and upset would not be good for them. It doesn't sound like a healthy situation at all. I am sorry to be honest with you however everyone is trying to work out what the problem is but at the meantime I see the situation pulling you down.

This is what concerns me the most:

It seems rather absurd to me that my bf's therapists have labelled me his trigger. Not necessarily me but the association of helplessness and guilt that he often felt in combat. Whatever the case, being in my presence causes him to trigger and so it makes it impossible to have a relationship, okay well a normal relationship. Even though it would be really easy to end "us" he is not willing to and so we carry on.

I would ask you to read your comment over and over at least 10 times. One concern is that you admit to not being able to have a normal relationship yet at the same time I hear you yearning for one while trying to convince yourself that what you have will get better. The other is that a relationship should be relatively easy, yes you have to work on some things but not to the extent you are going to, and your are agreeing to your boyfriend to call the shots. He doesn't want to end it but you say it would be really easy to??? What would you say if someone else wrote this???

I believe in love and fighting for a relationship but this sounds a bit over the top IMHO. Your boyfriend is making an effort to see you for an hour a day and he is saying it takes him 4 hours to recover. Do you realise how much exposure therapy and time it would take for him to spend half a day with you every day? How much are you prepared to pay for a relationship that is nothing short of a horrible struggle. What do you deserve? Is this how you wanted to be living your life? I am sorry but you have to ask yourself the hard questions on what is right for you instead of just doing everything for your boyfriend at any cost under the label of PTSD? Sorry but I just can't keep reading this without asking you these questions.

 

[Nicolette]

This is actually really bugging me. I think your boyfriend or his therapist is confused with the definition of a trigger.

Triggers are part of the re-experiencing phenomena displayed by those who suffer from PTSD. They are often unbidden, occurring without warning. Triggers are not just physical prompts, but can also be emotional, occurring when the individual is placed in a situation where the same emotion is experienced. These emotional triggers include guilt, fear, or lack of control, and they are just as strong as physical triggers.

The key here is is that they directly relate to the trauma - "when the individual is placed in a situation where the same emotion is experienced". So unless your boyfriend was abused by a woman or while in a relationship etc he is very unlikely to be experiencing a trigger. It is more likely that he is experiencing anxiety or wanting to isolate or is avoiding a relationship as his stress cup is overloaded. A relationship is a big stressor, especially for someone who has not spent a lot of time reprograming the instinctual PTSD reactions which over ride rhyme or reason.

At a guess, your boyfriend is struggling maintaining a relationship but you being a trigger is just an excuse to shift the focus on who really needs to take responsibility. If your boyfriend can say you are triggering him (very unlikely) he then has an excuse to go back and isolate with your approval......but inadvertently you assume responsibility for this which is not yours for the taking. Unless you step up and push back you will end up paying a price for something you don't own.... this is your boyfriend's problem and he either has his visits and shuts his mouth afterwards and stops making you feel guilty by saying he takes 4 hours to recover and you shut your mouth and don't complain about what you say you are willing to accept this is doomed to hurt someone. You can't say you are willing to go through it but then get upset about it when you see him as all you are doing is overloading his cup....not triggering him.

 

[anni]

Sorry to jump into this thread but it was bugging me, too. I read carer threads sometimes to remind me how not to be more of a pain in the neck to my husband than I have to be. Seriously- it's helpful. My therapist used to help me integrate my relationship into my life with PTSD, not force my husband to take on the responsibilty for desensitizing emotional overloads. My therapist put that 100% on ME, while helping my husband deal with understanding what was going on. He still feels guilty when something comes up which makes me react badly due to some dam PTSD trigger, but we both know what's up and get the heck through it. He KNOWS 'it' wasn't him-it's just his kind heart which makes him feel guilty, not me or a therapist labeling him a trigger. Any relationship is a mine field of emotional triggers for any PTSD sufferer. It's dealing with emotions which can be a trigger, not the person.

Sorry to jump in the thread, like I said. I think Nicolette said an awful lot very well as a carer. As a sufferer I can honestly say I'd rather lose a limb than lay the kind of guilt on my carer that I've read about here. It really bugged me, too.

Please take care,

Anni

 

[CCurry]

Hi Everyone,

Oh geez so much here and I'll try to keep this short as I have to dash soon but just so you know I have emailed his therapist and have told her that labelling me his trigger constantly is putting me in a negative light. Also, I asked if we could do some sort of group session as I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a dark tunnel. My bf just popped in my office as I had finished reading all of this and I was tearing up and told him that I wanted to have a couple therapy session because of what you said Nicolette, how much exposure therapy was it going to take to spend half a day with me everyday? He said it was totally fine with him and he has a session with her today and he'll bring it up. I really feel like I need to know what the plan is, I need to know that she will stop referring to me as the trigger.

I have long since stopped assuming responsibility for this and as an fyi he never just told me that it takes him 4 hours to come down from his trigger, I'm not trying to defend him but I was the one who probed about what happened when he left and asked him if he was triggered, he didn't volunteer that information.

 

[Deleted member 541]

If I am in a situation, that reminds me of my trauma, I can get triggered....

 

[helena]

Hey CC,

I asked my significant other for his thoughts. Please bear in mind that he is a direct, no BS type man but this is what he said.

Unless he had a female commanding officer that looked like you or that he killed a woman who looked like you or... other variants on similar themes he did not see how you could trigger him in relation to his war experiences.

He suspected that he has something that he is afraid to tell you and/or face but whether it was due to his combat experience he couldn't say (obviously)

I hope this helps a little

Helena

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

I would take it personally. I can only imagine that if it weren't you, it would be somebody else. There has to be more to it than that.

He's lucky he has you. Please don't let this get to you.

Take care
Clydie

 

[Nicolette]

My response yesterday was from after speaking with Anthony about Triggers. Today he has written and article [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/content.php?r=347-Stressor-vs-Trigger-What-Is-A-Trigger"]Stressors vs Triggers[/DLMURL]. I think it will be helpful for you CC.

 

[Pam]

There are possible reasons that we carers avoid separating PTSD anxiety from relationship stress anxiety. It's kind of like parents with kids who have problems at school. It is very hard for parents to think that the problem is within their child and not because of some external factor. They believe that if the external factor was not there, their child would be just fine and making progress. Things would be wonderful and the parent/child/school relationship would be textbook great, like they "see" with other kids who are doing fine. I tend to agree with others here. What is ptsd and what is a man trying to figure out how to have more freedom/less relationship without looking like a user?

 

[Clydiechick]

I think Helena's significant other, said it all, knowing what we know now!

My last post was mean't to say 'I wouldn't' take it personally. But I can only imagine that you are taking everything personally now.

Hang in there, you are strong.

Take care
Clydie

 

[Nicolette]

While I have no intention of being cruel nor do I wish to pull anyone down...........due to the outcome of this situation........it once again demonstrates that Carers can put too much emphasis on PTSD and make too many allowances which may hurt them in the end.

CC I am truly sorry for your loss and the hurt you must be experiencing now. I do want other Carers to actually sit and think about this though the next time they accept something 'not normal' under the label of PTSD when they don't feel it is right.