"coming Out" With Your Ptsd

[Femke]

Maybe there is already a topic about this, but I couldn't directly find it.

The last week I've had several questions from different people and I've been telling some things. It's always a bit of a search what to tell and what not to tell.

How do you people tell about your illness(es) and the causes for that? How do you respond to questions from strangers, people at work or school or church, etc? Do you get good responses? When do you "come out" to new friends with your real story?

The story in short: I have been abused as a child (incidents) and as an adult by the father of my child. This caused PTSD and psychotic disorder NOS in me. I've stayed in a ward multiple times the last years. This is why my son stays with my parents a lot of the time, although he is with me now more often. There is no contact with his father, I have fought really hard for that because it wasn't safe. I use antipsychotics, which make me somewhat dull and disorganized. I had a good education but don't do paid work, I'm on disability and work at a care farm. I will never fully recover.

All sorts of people (kids and parents from school, people I go out with, people from church, acquintances, new friends) ask a lot of innocent questions: what kind of work do you do? Are you searching for a job already? Why don't you work? How often does your son see his father? Do you think your ex wants to see *son* in the future? Your son told me his granddad is his father (not what i told him)? I didn't see you for a while at the school? Where does *son* live? What illness do you have?

My family and longterm close friends know everything. Some new friends know a bit...with them I always struggle how to start telling things. With vague acquintances and people from my son's school I mostly use discriptions that are either vague or less stigmatizing (burn-out or a difficult time instead of PTSD and psychosis). About the father of my child I somehow never tell them he was abusive, I tell them he wasn't good to us or some other euphemistic term.

I am always torn between wanting to be honest and not wanting to tell too much. I had some pretty good responses, but I'm afraid of stigma. About psychosis. About not working. About keeping my son away from his father. Especially for my son. I don't want him to be the "boy with the crazy mum and dad". Also I don't want to whine or ruin a happy superficial chat with a difficult answer to a simple question.

How do you deal with that?

 

[Silver.]

There have been a few people, who have asked why I am on disability, they always assume it's because of my physical health (it is a two part disability, so I don't feel like I am lying when I just agree with them).

what kind of work do you do? Are you searching for a job already? Why don't you work?

I tell people I am a stay at home mom, or I simply say "I don't work", which essentially cuts off the questioning. Doesn't have to be rude, but it let's people know there are reasons, you just aren't up to discussing them. I have never had a problem with people pushing for more or getting offended when I say that

What illness do you have?

I have been known to tell people I have PTSD from "life". Life happened, that is why I have PTSD. I used to try and share but it drove people away. The lesson I learned is that they truly don't want to hear how you got it.

How often does your son see his father? Do you think your ex wants to see *son* in the future?

Simply answer that his father is not a part of the picture and that your father plays a huge part in his life as a role model.

But it sounds like it would be important to have a talk with your son. Sort out that your father is his grandfather, but does love him like a son perhaps. You don't have to tell him everything that is going on with you. Just try and re-establish that he is lucky to have so many people that want to take care of him and spend time with him.

I'm afraid of stigma

and unfortunately until more people are educated about PTSD, there is always going to be stigma regarding it. Hence the reason I don't discuss it and have come up with alternative answers when questioned.
It's really up to you who you want to have a full discussion with and about what. You do have the right to politely skirt issues that make you feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately though, they will always be there, especially while your child is in school and you are around an influx of new people.

Take Care

 

[Femke]

Thanks for your kind and long response. It made me think!

Like in the rest of my life, I have to know my own boundaries and my right and responsibility to behave in a way that respects and demands respect for my own boundaries. Right now I feel obliged to answer each and every random persons question about my most private life in complete honesty (to put it somewhat blunt). E.g. last sunday a stranger who knew I was a single mum asked me "why are you a single mother?". I answered honestly, but I didn't feel comfortable at all. It might sound stupid, but your post made me fully realise for the first time that it's really totally up to me what I tell to whom. They have no right for a certain answer. I can even just simply say "I don't want to answer that question". I like your alternative way of answering, e.g. "I don't work." I'll think of some alternative answers for my situation as well. It makes clear that you don't want to discuss it, without being rude.

I do have talks with my son btw about who his real father is etc, but I think he still experiences my father completely as his father figure, which makes him say things like these.

Thanks.

 

[Silver.]

I think it is so good that your father is there for your son, and that your son has a positive male role model to look up to.

I think it is extremely rude to ask someone why they are a single mother, you were brave to even answer that. I would have answered with something snarky.
It is a shame that people don't think to keep their ridiculous and prying questions to themselves.
I am glad that I was able to make you think, and that perhaps you will be able to come up with some polite, yet alternative answers when you are being questioned by others (especially those who have no business asking).
It doesn't sound stupid to me at all, sometimes it helps to have things looked at from another perspective. I am sure that the more you practice your assertiveness, the easier it will become for you.
*gentle hugs if you accept*

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm as vague as possible. In my world, knowing about me is a privilege and not a right. If someone thinks they have a right to ask me prodding, insensitive questions, then they meet a wall immediately. Some people have nothing better to do than gossip about others and stick their noses where they don't belong-------the proof being every "reality" show ever made. I choose to not play their game and if they don't like it------tough. I owe them nothing.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think everyone of us is different and we all disclose what we feel we need to. Myself.... I don't care who knows I have PTSD, and I don't care if they ask questions about how I got it, or what happened. I didn't cause it, I didn't ask for it, and it wasn't my fault, therefore I have nothing to be ashamed about, or fear telling them.

I honestly don't find it intrusive or nosey. Sometimes when people ask questions it can start conversations that otherwise we wouldn't have. It may start a new friendship, or maybe it won't. I also think it's a way of talking about your trauma that can aid in the healing process. The more we talk, the more we face the shit.

Opening up may make you feel a bit vulnerable, uncomfortable or awkward at first, but it does get better EVERYTIME you walk that part. Good luck!!!!!

 

[anthony]

I saw this today which makes me question coming out at all.

Entire post removed, as this makes no sense with the image posted. Posting copyright images is against the law. If you do not own the image to post, please do not post them. If you do own the image, please let us know and it will be corrected.

 

[Femke]

Thanks all. Your responses help me reflect on this. Thanks for the hugs.

SheCat, thanks for a different perspective again. Talking about PTSD (or even psychosis, which has more stigma) indeed can help with all sorts of positive things, like developping a closer bond, healing, breaking taboo's and stigma. I often had really good responses when I opened up. Or even when I opened up partly. Mutual sharing of experiences, more openness, understanding responses, helpful comments, a hug or smile, a good conversation - even sharing a good laugh to make our troubles a bit lighter, like today with a good friend.

I also had some bad responses.

I believe that I should stay closer to what I feel is best in that specific situation, to my own boundaries.

There are people who ask questions from kind and genuine interest and there are people who ask questions in a gossipy nosey way.
There are people I feel good with and people I feel uncomfortable with.
There are moments I feel like sharing and moments I don't feel like it.
There are things I feel like sharing and things I don't feel like sharing.

Right now I feel people always have a right to know. To get a completely honest answer. Even if I don't feel like that. They don't. It's quite obvious, but I want to learn to share if it feels okay and cut off the questions if it doesn't.

 

[Gs172003]

Entire post removed, as this makes no sense with the image posted. Posting copyright images is against the...

Can I post it without it? It's a public post but I can edit it to remove it. Not sure why the group added the pic in the first place but I think it's just a model?

 

[Gs172003]

Nevermind I didn't notice the copyright.

 

[Gs172003]

Entire post removed, as this makes no sense with the image posted. Posting copyright images is against the...

Honestly I would have appreciated it had you just removed it and told me why in a PM instead of on here. As I said I wasn't aware of the copyright on it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

what kind of work do you do? Are you searching for a job already? Why don't you work? How often does your son see his father? Do you think your ex wants to see *son* in the future? Your son told me his granddad is his father (not what i told him)? I didn't see you for a while at the school? Where does *son* live? What illness do you have?

These are very personal questions. If I were asked these questions Id not only not answer them but Id, at some point, try to give people the hint that this is personal and makes me uncomfortable or Id get out of the situation completely.

As to whom do I tell? Not many. I told my step sister and her husband but thats because they were showing me they understood.

Ive been guilty of throwing it out there as sort of a test or a push away from me...basically to see if they'd leave. But mostly today I only tell those that have shown me that they have a true understanding and thats not many at all.

Unsure if that answers the question or not.