Sufferer Coming To Terms That My Ptsd Is Not Just A Temporary Thing.....

[Tswevnz]

Hey all!
My name is Elinor and I've been reading posts on this website for a while and thought it would be time for me to dare putting my story out there. Mainly because I need answers and also to get in touch with like minded people that understand this invisible curse.

It all started 3 years ago when I experienced the devastating earthquake in Christchurch New Zealand that killed 200 people, it was a horrific event and I am lucky to be a live. I survived by chance but the aftermath of the destruction made me lose 2 jobs ( as the huge amount of after chocks continued to destroy buildings months afterwards) , lost my home, separated from my partner, fell out with my parents, car broke down, lost my finances, lost my private practice ( I'm an architect) all these stressful events and being an immigrant from Sweden and handling this alone...was a foundation of what followed next.

I was in a horrific near death rafting accident that had me fighting for my life, whilst swimming in 120 cubic metre per second flooded river,through the worst part of the gorge with nowhere to go. It was extremely dangerous - particularly when I was sucked under the boat in a Billyhole...I kept getting pushed up to the surface but I couldn't breathe as the boat was blocking me.
I saw my own funeral as I started to loose conciousness and that's what made me fight again, not the thought of dying....but the thought of how much grief I would inflict others.

Miraculously I made it out....but I think here is where things started going wrong. As I found out later - the person arranging the trip didn't have the necessary insurance and qualification to do what he did. So for him to avoid being caught, they didn't call emergency rescue. I was on the wrong side on a flooded river, having fought for my life over 10 minutes in cold spring mountain water, I had hypothermia and in shock. The huge amount of adrenaline I released could have killed me, it gave me a headache for 3 months.

Despite this....I was just picked up by a normal taxi helicopter ( although they considered leaving me there unattended for the night at first,in wet clothes and in the state I was in) and flown to security. But no doctor. No one wanted to accept how close it was. Had I died the person in charge would have been in jail for manslaughter.The mismanagement has been part of triggering I think.

So coming out of this...and with all of the things that had happened prior, I was diagnosed with PTSD. In a way it was a relief to understand my avoidance behaviour, the isolation and the things that had became my norm. To have a specialist psychiatrist at the Brain injury department here in Christchurch say I'm not crazy and what I experience, is normal for what kind of extreme trauma I had been through, was a relief.

However....my bad luck didn't stop there.

6 months after the rafting accident and 6 months of fighting panic attacks, night mares, flashbacks, hyper-vigilance ( doesn't help living in a country where we get earthquakes every 5 minutes) fear of letting anyone/anything near me / hurt me.... I fell of my horse and snapped my humerus bone in half.

The body responded by attending to this emergency injury but as it started to heal up - all of a sudden the nightmares came back. Dreaming of dying....wishing to die....started all over.
Feeling guilty of being alive.
Feeling guilty of being alive and not make the most of it.
Someone gave me a second chance and yet I constantly walk around feeling like a failure. Every setback, minor issue at work I immediately revert back to the same thought.
I should not be alive.

Anyway - I thought I was getting stronger in the last few months, no nightmares and I managed to loose weight , which was kind of my way of taking control. Because that is the hardest feeling of all.

Feeling helpless and feeling like you have absolutely no control. Life happens in front of you and you simply watch it without participation. However the other day it just daunted me....that all this time i've been walking around feeling like....even if the doctor diagnosed me , part of me didn't want to believe in it. Even if I did accept it on one level....my intellectual part of the brain kinda said - I can choose to not have PTSD.

But looking at myself now....having gone through all this crap..... I realized I've started avoiding my horses. They now represent a trauma and my way of dealing with it is avoidance. At first I thought this is probably normal....but the thinking about it. This is what I have done with everything else that has hurt me ...avoidance.

So now I feel rotten for not giving my animals the love and attention they normally get...I've failed them too. Once again I just feel like a failure and I don't know how to snap out of it.
Pretending im normal at work takes up most of my energy....only to fall apart in the loneliness at home.

I really don't know what my next step in life is. I've lost so much over the last few years...I simply feel inhuman and damaged.

Simply damaged.

Thank you for listening and sorry for my rant...but this is the first time I've spoken about it in public and with people suffering from the same thing.
Cheers E

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Tswevnz and welcome to the forum.

I was not involved in the Christchurch earthquake, however I visited Christchurch in the autumn of 2011 ( for my husband to meet a school pal he had not seen for over 50 years), staying in Littleton for a few days before traveling further afield. I was horrified by what I saw, and really had little understanding of the devastation caused until I saw it with my own eyes. I was very frightened and could not imagine the terror at the actual time. I still check the website everyday to see how many quakes are still going on.

As for PTSD not being temporary - well I tried to reject that notion for long enough. I really believed that it will go away, and it does for periods, but it keeps coming back. I guess it is always there in the background, and it is all about learning the signs of when it is going to flare up again so that crises can be averted.

I am glad to read that you are in therapy. It really does help to get a 'toolbox' of resources that can help you through the bad times. It does get better, and I hope soon you will be able to focus on the positive things in your life, and realise just how precious you are.

Kind regards
Lucy x

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome!

What an awful, awful time you've had. I am so sorry.

I am too tired to post much but I just wanted to say - besides welcome - that you are behaving normally in response to abnormal circumstances.

If you didn't have PTSD, you wouldn't exhibit the natural avoidance behavior so you cannot judge yourself now in a pre-PTSD way.

You wouldn't have avoided your horses if all this hadn't happened. You had no malicious intent. You have been reeling from your trauma in a textbook manner.

If your leg was broken, you wouldn't expect to walk as if it wasn't. You wouldn't get angry at yourself for your inability to run with an unhealed broken bone. You cannot judge yourself in the old way. It isn't fair or sane. But now you are aware and learning more about PTSD and that will help.

So please give yourself a break. This is a new day. Start from where you are.

 

[scout86]

Welcome!

You can look at the avoidance as the mind's way of trying to give you the space to regroup. As you become more aware of things like the avoidance, it means you're getting some of that space and are getting more able to do the regrouping. Realizing that you do, for real, have PTSD is part of that process too. It's a process that takes what ever time it takes. You're on your way, though. Like franciemarnie said, "give yourself a break". You're doing the best you know how and that's FINE, even if you wish it was otherwise.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

My trauma was different to yours but reading your introduction was how I felt. Now, almost 4 years on, I am managing my symptoms (well, mostly) and I have a life I enjoy. I had great family support and an amazing therapist, but it was being part of this community that really helped. People here understand and offer great support.

Wishing you well.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Elinor,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

You are right, PTSD is not a temporary thing, but the most devastating of the symptoms are temporary. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to treat the trauma and a trauma therapist would be a good option. You can learn to manage the symptoms and with hard work and time, you will find the symptoms abating and life can be enjoyable again.

One thing that I found helpful during recovery was to list those things that were most important to me and focus getting back to do those things. It was small steps at a time and I pushed myself a little further each day, but not to the point where I defeated myself. You expressed concern over the fear you were feeling with your horses. Make it a point to spend time each day and start with the basics, feeding, grooming, etc. Increase the time you spend and add a little more each week, such as walking with a lead, groundwork, etc. You might even want to take lessons with a confidence building horse. Take things one little step at a time and you will be surprised where you end up.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Tswevnz]

Thank you so much everyone for replying!
Finding this website has been like finding sanity, I don't have to be so hard on myself anymore. It's ok to feel what I do - I'm not alone.....

Lucy cat - sorry to hear you have had to experience the chch devastation too. They have re opened up the sealed of city corden 3 years after the worst quake. It's all gone, it's a big parking lot pretty much. But in saying that - the rebuild has brought along positivity too - a strong economy and people are trying to move on.

However with quakes still going on , it can be somewhat hard to get over and heal. We had a 4.3 on Friday. - a MASSIVE bang and violent shake. I ran out for my life and my heart was about to pop out if my chest and I just felt like crying. That feeling of being unsafe washed over me yet again. It's bizarre because on an intellectual level - I knew I was ok where I was- yet my body reacted so instinctly and violently to the surprise and chock / fear.

That over sensitive / hyper vigilance is something I still battle. I'm prepared to fight and be strong 24/7 ....it gets rather tiresome after a while. It's hard work staying strong.
Particularly when you have your family on the other side of the world.

As for my horses, I've started doing what you guys suggested. Hanging out. Allowing myself to love them again. I really struggle to allow myself to care about anything. Losing so much through earthquakes , being rendered to a shell of who you were ..... Only to finish off with a near death drowning accident.... I really don't know HOW to start believing in life again.... Because I just seem to lose everything precious to me?

 

[Abstract]

Welcome! I have seen two other members who were in the Christchurch quakes and have PTSD. Hopefully you will happen upon them sometime. Well done for reaching out here.

 

[EverOnly358]

@Tswevnz,

I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through, I really am. It must be so hard to try to cope and have another earthquake happen. Scary! I like how you're spending more time with your horses, it's really good. And I'm glad you found the forum. There's a lot of good information here and very supportive people.

Welcome to the forum!
EverOnly

 

[saoirserylyn]

Hello and welcome to our little corner of the world!
I am so sorry about all of the obstacles that life has thrown your way, however I see strength in you for being here and sharing your story with all of us. Feeling guilty is something that I have struggled with as a survivor, I am constantly having battles within my own mind to handle those negative feelings. It is perfectly acceptable to challenge yourself and be curious about why you've survived, but you have the rest of your life to find that answer for yourself. I have spent countless hours praying for the tormenting symptoms of PTSD to leave me alone (and sometimes those prayers are even answered). Just enjoy life each day as it comes and I hope that things do eventually get easier for you.

 

[Tswevnz]

Thank you EverOnly358 and Saoirserylyn!

I think the feeling of battling these strange forces alone is what kinda affects me the most. I think the Oscars of acting are probably ten times more earned / deserved by people in our community , pretending to cope with life in order to spare the people around them only to go away and manage on their own in privacy, than the ones we see on TV!

I feel the survival guilt is just so .... I don't know .... I'm trying to understand it so perhaps on an intellectual level .... Maybe I'v been so traumatized and hurt with multiple accidents and situations, my brain can't cope with more setbacks. Thus whenever I have obstacles .... A mistake at work .... A hurtful comment ect ( normal life situations) I just can't handle them ?

I feel like I'm so unworthy of being alive seeing I screw up and I judge myself extremely hard. I feel jealous of people that express them self ... As I feel that I am just here on 'borrowed" time, I'm not entitled to take space or exist . I'm not meant to be here, by all accounts I should have died in that river.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)