VioletButterfly
Diamond Member
@Snowflake - Just wanted to add my experiences to those shared above. I, too, have been controlled by others my entire life and I'm roughly your age. It's like we wait for someone to tell us what to do, who to be, how to act, etc... because we don't know any other way to be. If it starts when you're a child and then that's all you know until you're 49+, then self-direction and self-identity are huge concepts to embrace and walk along side of. I understand, it takes a lot of time and hard work to change your thinking and belief systems. I am still rather in learned helpless mode, but working hard to recognize that I have to captain my own ship as I am entirely alone in real-time and have been for quite some time, except for the occasional therapist.
At any rate, my last relationship lasted for 18 years (unmarried) and it took me another 10 years to really realize I was gone from him, that I wasn't just on vacation. Sometimes, I still think I can/should go back despite the fact that he's married. That's how strong the thinking can be, if not stronger. Such a distortion of reality, but it took time for me to realize it and then time to see that I can't keep looking to others to define, direct, or take care of me - that's my job, and going back to him for whatever reason is just not a healthy idea for me to be pondering. So, I wanted to let you know that it is possible to at least make it as far as I have. I still have a great deal of work to do and am wobbly even at working on what I just wrote about, but I've accepted that it's going to take time and I'm going to have to go at it one day and one step at a time. Others seem to have made it past mountains I've yet to climb, but I'm at least on the path to the mountains.
I agree with the others in seeking out support from a women's advocacy center and/or support group. When our thinking is so entrenched, we need perspective from both real-time relationships and what we have out here at the forum. All my best to you. VB
At any rate, my last relationship lasted for 18 years (unmarried) and it took me another 10 years to really realize I was gone from him, that I wasn't just on vacation. Sometimes, I still think I can/should go back despite the fact that he's married. That's how strong the thinking can be, if not stronger. Such a distortion of reality, but it took time for me to realize it and then time to see that I can't keep looking to others to define, direct, or take care of me - that's my job, and going back to him for whatever reason is just not a healthy idea for me to be pondering. So, I wanted to let you know that it is possible to at least make it as far as I have. I still have a great deal of work to do and am wobbly even at working on what I just wrote about, but I've accepted that it's going to take time and I'm going to have to go at it one day and one step at a time. Others seem to have made it past mountains I've yet to climb, but I'm at least on the path to the mountains.
I agree with the others in seeking out support from a women's advocacy center and/or support group. When our thinking is so entrenched, we need perspective from both real-time relationships and what we have out here at the forum. All my best to you. VB
