Communicating: What's Easier For You Speaking Or Writing?

[Deleted member 541]

I don't have much of an issue with friends, people in general, on the forum, or with my T. I am fairly articulate, can express myself pretty good, but guarded at times... Although with feelings I just can't seem to let them go. So I still struggle with that, and this is where my issues are with communicating them.

What I am mostly concerned with is the fact that with close relationships that I have had in the past, I have a hard time talking, and feel I do much better with writing when I am having issues within the relationship. For example... One of the last times I needed to express myself with my daughter, I couldn't bring myself to have a talk with her to explain how and why I was feeling about some things. So I sent her an email. I simply was stating how I felt and why I felt the way I did...... That did not go over well, and she attacked me in an email and one of the things that has bothered me since is that she called me a coward for writing, instead of speaking to her. Although, in the past I have made it very clear, I do much better in writing.....

So, I have the need to express myself to others, but find it almost impossible to do it talking, so I communicate through writing....

Does anyone else struggle with this????

 

[intothelight]

Hi She Cat,

I do much better in conveying my thoughts and feelings when I write. When I write, I take my time and re-read so my communication is very purposeful. When I communicate verbally, I can go two fast, forget critical pieces and get frustrated and shut down. Unfortunately, my frustration with my failure to communicate as I am intending can come off as irritation to my listener and that is not at all what I am trying to convey.

Intothelight

 

[TLight]

I'm so much better when writing. I feel very vulnerable when I'm speaking with someone over the phone or in person. I like being invisable, that's my comfort zone. I don't have a lot of 'in person' relationships because I choose not to. I'm uncomfortable. I do at times push myself a tiny bit to reach out. In fact I've just been on the phone for an hour with an old friend (sort of friend--). It was hard for me to talk. My mind starts racing and the stress hormones get going. I think this is directly related to the PTSD. Being in the presence of humans, dealing with them, has always been very traumatic since the time I was a tiny person. Hence, face to face to conversation puts my brain in that vulnerable feeling place and I just don't like it and I stumble, don't communicate well, and generally don't like it.

So, I've come to the conclusion I don't like being that personal with someone, it's uncomfortable....so why force it. I'd rather text, e-mail, etc.

Some might find this cold.

She Cat, perhaps you can tell your daughter in another e-mail that the personal communication thing is extremely difficult due to the PTSD. She has taken all that personally when she shouldn't. It has nothing to do with her. Perhaps if she understands that then you and she can communicate on a more comfortable and non-threatening manner.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Thanks Tlight, but I walked away from the relationship because she was beginning to be verbally abusive to me, and her behavior was triggering me. I HAD explained to her earlier that I communicate better with writing, but she chose not so see that, and felt I was being a coward for writing. Her choice!!!!

As I said earlier, I don't have much of a problem talking to people.... It's only when there are issues that pop up in the relationship, when I have to start talking or trying to verbalize what those issues are and the emotions behind the issues..... This is where I am having the biggest problems....It most likely is because I fear that a confrontation may take place, so I avoid the face to face, and do it through writing....Confrontations can become triggering for me because they lead to fighting, yelling, and screaming, and I can't handle any of these, as this is when I do get triggered and I start to shut down and then run......

I just wondered if others have the same issues......

 

[Grama-Herc]

Yes, I have the same issues. I also suffer from my mouth over riding my brain and it gets me in trouble all the time.Even my mother does better in expressing herself in writing than in person.

But I think all of us have issues with confrontations. I think you will find a lot of people here with this problem.

 

[dust]

Hmm, I think that communication is complex - full stop. I've fallen out with people via email - which I think can be too blunt and quickfire. I find letter writing better, it is slower somehow and more difficult to escalate into argument. Sometimes I find writing helps me communicate, sometimes it hinders me and speaking to someone directly helps most. I get triggered via texting and long email exchanges, particularly when I feel I am not being 'heard'. So, sometimes picking up the phone is a must.

What helps me communicate is to rehearse what I want to say - either to myself or someone else. That helps me formulate what I want to say and not get tongue tied. Perhaps writing performs this function too? A way of expressing or communicating without the pressure of direct confrontation?

So many people trigger me in differing ways - the reasons for this are often more complex than the mode of communication. When this happens, I take a rain check... .

dust

 

[Cynthiatoo]

Hi SheCat
I find that writing is much easier for me. I realise now that is because facts and feelings can be laid out sequentially and all of the information can be included. Apparently, this also has something to do with PTSD and the dominance of the left side of the brain which loves facts and sequence.

However, though writing is easy for me and I can read it ten times to check if it has anything that will offend others, I have found all of my adult life that "Normals" cant handle it. Please dont take offence at that word, I dont mean we are not normal, I just call ordinary people that word. I have been in the poo all of my life for letters and emails that I write, thinking that I am
"explaining" and helping them to understand.

Every frikkin time I write to help someone understand something, I make it worse. I have realised now that ordinary people cannot handle the truths of the base level of reality that we have to live in. It scares them. Also, most people dont read something and keep it connected to the writer, they filter it through their own life and their own fears.

I made the mistake of sending my daughter my writings to help her understand my grief and PTSD. She wrote to me not to contact her or her family again. I was shattered.

I have decided that from now on. I will not tell people anything or explain anything from my point of view, UNLESS they ask a specific question and then I will answer that question and tell them they can ask me any more they want to when they want to. The only info I am going to offer from now on will be from this forum. People might respect that more instead of filtering it through their fear and anger and hurt that we aren't their idea of perfect.

I feel a little anger now instead of just pure hurt over my daughter's and my family's rejection. That is a good thing and it is new.

So I guess what I am offering to you, is that maybe
- place the responsibility for what your daughter wants to know back into her hands by telling her she can ask you Anything and you will answer honestly.
- dont try to help her understand through your words about anything more than she asks for
- if she asks or hints she wants to know more, send her the printout "Understanding PTSD For carers"
- don't write down things for her
- only answer her questions, dont give extra unless asked

This means you are still in control of the conversation. Hope this might help a bit.

 

[Jawn]

As a carer I sometimes find it easier to write my wife a note because I often either get emotional or forget something important during our verbal conversations. I don't do it often, but occasionally it really helps me.

Jawn

 

[goingonhope]

Speaking is generally far easier for me then writing, with the exception of some brain/speech thingy, as of late, I've got going on. It hasn't always been this way, but for years now I much prefer to speak to people face to face. Which is kind of tough with some, because I prefer to listen and speak to people while looking into each others eyes and not enough people bother with making much eye contact.

And, the phone is always good! For me personally, I don't much care for writing.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Also, most people dont read something and keep it connected to the writer, they filter it through their own life and their own fears.

I find this very true also....

 

[Nicolette]

Confrontations can become triggering for me because they lead to fighting, yelling, and screaming, and I can't handle any of these, as this is when I do get triggered and I start to shut down and then run......

I just wondered if others have the same issues......

Wendy, I have been meaning to comment awhile ago. I personally invest a lot of time listening to and watching Anthony as I prefer for the PTSD monsters to lay at rest than be up and about at play. On that note, at some point on this forum, I read Anthony suggesting to another member that perhaps they should convey their thoughts in writing as it removes the emotion or like you say, the potential for a fight etc.

There have been a couple of times when Anthony has really cheesed me off but I saw some of it was the PTSD monsters at play but at the same time my feelings were hurt and I needed to have my say. I left the problem alone for the rest of the evening when it occurred and then, the following morning, got up and wrote a very brief but to the point note saying I how I was hurt. Not blaming but letting him know how hurt I had felt PTSD or not. (Here comes the boundary thing again - I needed him to know that what he had said was not acceptable as it was very painful). Anyway, I wrote the note with love and signed it with love and left it on the kitchen bench as I walked out the door when I went to work.

While it was tempting to argue and fight for what I believed in I respected the illness and had listened to Anthony by using a technique that he would have not suggested if he did not believe in it.

I still went to work hurt and upset but I realised that I owed Anthony the time to process what had happened (like I said; I watch and have learned how he progresses through some stages when the illness hits) while still respecting my needs of having my say. The outcome was a really good one and that boundary has never been crossed again. Working with PTSD is hard, on both sides of the fence. I think the fundamental difference is the acceptance in the illness which I have versus someone who really doesn't understand the magnitude of what they are dealing with and how a few compromises can achieve good results.

You know I feel for you as I know what you are talking about but the ball is no longer in your court however I give you credit for trying while respecting your limitations. That is a lot to be proud of even if it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Nicolette,

I do understand and also agree with you. But, it's not just the relationship with Deb, that I was speaking about. I know that, that relationship is over, and I made the only decision I could have at the time. Deb was verbally abusive and disrespectful to me, and I didn't deserve and don't deserve that kind of treatment, so I walked away. Daughter or not, I come first, and my mental/physical health is important!!!!!

It's about all relationships that I have with others. I just find it so difficult to *talk* to people when I feel that there are issues involving the relationship/friendship. I don't have these issues when it involves work problems that affect me, I can speak right up, but for some reason relationships/friendships I always revert to discussing issues through writing....

I would like to find a way to overcome this, and to be able to actaully TALK to the person face to face....I guess this is something I need to find a way to overcome, and was really looking for a resolution to my problem.....