Compassion for others but not oneself

[intheprocess]

Today in counseling I could see the innocence of victims but cannot apply it to myself. I was saying it was a choice (incest long term) and the counselor was trying to get me to understand that the compassion towards the victims I know, who are teens, should apply to myself and that it's compassion and help I never had. Anyone else experience this?

 

[sun seeker]

Yes, or something similar; my situation is not quite the same if I understand correctly. I've thought the inability to feel compassion (or anger, either) for what happened to me was because I didn't have clear memories, but the memories are getting clearer yet the compassion for myself hasn't caught up. Yesterday I was on a long bus ride sitting across from what looked like a mother and grandmother with a little girl of about four or five, the age I am mostly connecting to the abuse beginning. She was so bright and happy and full of smiles, totally trusting, smiling and chatting with everyone, and I kept thinking how she seemed so small and innocent. And I thought of myself at the same age but didn't feel the same way at all. Nor do I feel the same way looking at pictures of myself. I'm not saying I had a choice, I know that is not possible, but I am not feeling the compassion yet. What I have done, and I don't know how this would feel for you, is to visualize the scene and then imagine someone coming in, a protector of some kind, to care for my child self. Could be a fierce animal to ward off the abuser, or an angel, or Superman, or whatever you connect with.

 

[sun seeker]

I went away and thought about this some more, and had another thought. The protector thing might not be quite what you need if you are working on yourself as a teenager. What about visualizing yourself back then (but not actually in the scene of the abuse), and then bringing in someone either real or imaginary as an ally? Someone to talk with your teenage self, tell her she is innocent, offer words of wisdom and compassion and encouragement, all those things you would do for someone else but can't do for yourself? Just a thought. My hope is eventually we integrate what we envision and are able to extend the same compassion to ourselves.

 

[Friday]

There's a reason Pride is one of the 7 deadly.

 

[Suzetig]

My lack of self care and compassion is a feature of every session I have. I acted as protector to the other kids in my family, and now work in child protection - I care for other people and am known to be a compassionate person but don't seem able to offer that care or compassion to myself. I don't know what the fix is but I'm working on my self worth and seeing if that helps.

 

[shimmerz]

I was saying it was a choice (incest long term)

So if you see it as a choice that means you weren't a victim?

Victim is a big word. Sometimes takes years to get to the point that one can say we were one. If T is asking you to relate to being a victim, perhaps that is the gully you need to cross. Were you victimized? Were you the victim of abuse at that time? Then maybe you will see apples to apples instead of apples to oranges.

 

[Tanishq]

Work on receiving compassion when you are being given from good people. How about this? I am thinking this way you will be able to intake compassion, eventually succeed giving to yourself by yourself.

 

[anonymous]

reason Pride is one of the 7 deadly.

A clue to why I find it difficult maybe - I can't work out whether this means that pride gets in the way of you having compassion for yourself, or if it means that you shouldn't have compassion for yourself because it's linked to pride...

To have pride in yourself, you need a sense of self worth, and a sense of self worth might allow you to have compassion for yourself - so if pride is a bad thing then self compassion must be a bad thing.....

I suspect you probably meant the former though? Can you explain more how you see pride in relation to self compassion.

 

[Friday]

Meaning too much pride? Causes harm, destroys your soul. Eats ya up inside at the very least.

All of them? Sure. Compassion for them. But not for me. I'm different. My choice, my fault. Ego. Arrogance. Pride. What makes me different than those I show compassion towards? Nothing but my thinking I'm better/worse. Believing I'm different. Refusing to acknowledge I might be the same. Deserving of the same compassion, the same help. Nah. I got this. It's on me.

I could never figure out why pride was on the list. Till I realized it was my own besetting sin. Too proud to show myself the same care I give to others. Too proud to allow anyone to show that care for me. Too proud to ask for help, or share the burden. Too proud to let go of responsibility that isn't mine.

 

[The Albatross]

... the counselor was trying to get me to understand that the compassion towards the victims I know, who are teens, should apply to myself and that it's compassion and help I never had. Anyone else experience this?

Yup and I had to work through some sessions and do some self examination and reading. In the end, I was stuck holding myself to a standard that was far stricter and more rigid than what I extended to others. Basically the root of it was that needing/wanting compassion or showing vulnerability was "dangerous". It was of course a self deception, but likely one that was necessary to keep me from more abuse. In the longer term and away from the abuse, it became maladaptive and problematic in my life. It kept me distraught, depressed, anxious and gave plenty of fodder to the inner critic voice in my head. To break the cycle I needed to ask myself why I held myself to a standard I didn't hold for other people and begin to risk/be willing to allow some vulnerability.

At first it was on anonymous forums online, then with peer friends, then with a couple people in my church family, then (the most dangerous to me) with my family. I had to work hard to refute the thoughts that told me that I needed to continue to keep safe by being an impervious fortress. It was damaging my relationships and keeping me in depressive cycling.

 

[Go Hungry]

Well, I think Friday pretty much nailed it for me. I'm the same way. I can feel huge compassion for other victims, but not toward myself. It's not the same thing as self-pity, which I used to confuse it for. I was the most pitiful guy in the world thinking 'look at all the compassion I have'.. but it's not the same at all. I still have problems with this. Thinking I could have done something more, or different. I mean, I *could* have... I could have lashed out in tremendous violence and put an end to it. I certainly wanted to... But emotionally I wasn't capable of that sort of criminal behaviour (which is good.) I was just a good kid at heart, living in a horrible situation.

I think we all do this sort of thing, where we hold ourselves to a higher standard than we do others. I am different. I am exceptional. It is a form of pride, to place myself on some pedestal that supposedly sets me apart and makes me more responsible for the crimes committed against me, while thinking that others are less responsible.

That's part of why it was so spooky when I first went down the list of symptoms common to PTSD survivors, and finding out that so many of my symptoms weren't exceptional at all. That my experience was very very typical of the condition. I am a special snowflake of victimhood. Not so much.

Great thread. :) :hug::hug::hug:

 

[sun seeker]

It is a form of pride, to place myself on some pedestal that supposedly sets me apart and makes me more responsible for the crimes committed against me, while thinking that others are less responsible.

I believe this is one of the bases for the 12 step program model, is it not?

One reason why I have had trouble feeling compassion for myself is a lack of clear memories about what happened to me, so I have spent a lot of time feeling like there must be something intrinsically wrong with me to be so affected by I-wasn't-sure-what. It was hard to have compassion for myself at the age I was being abused when I didn't clearly remember the abuse, or the worst of it anyway. When others would try to extend compassion, I would cringe, shrink inside myself thinking it wasn't all that bad and I should be over it already. That is shifting just within the last month because of a combination of clearer memories and putting together the pieces of my past that I already knew but didn't realize I knew, if that makes any sense.

This may fit for some people and not others, but I'd like to put it out there. It is through secure attachment that children develop self esteem. When that is interrupted, we don't develop the same way, and its makes sense to me that this lack of compassion for self is part of that. I very much like Laurence Heller's work in this regard. He has methods to use in therapy to rewire those lost or undeveloped connections. There is an interview with him on youtube that gives an introduction to his method, you can find it by searching under his name and Healing Developmental Trauma.