S
sherry.marietta
I grew up in a family of sexual abuse and exploitation; lot’s of sexual charge. My mother was mentally ill, either depressed with delusions, or had delusions due to being schizophrenic. My father was morose, so deppressed, he hated going to work yet, also hated coming home from work. I would cringe when he would come home after 5:20 because I didn’t know if he would be in a good mood or not, but I knew I had to start pretending that I was happy to see him, cause that was my role.
Later, I re-enacted the abuse by working as a stripper, even though I had a college degree in biochemistry, I did not have the emotional strength or confidence to go on to do what I really wanted to do; medicine. Each night before I would go to work, I would cringe in my body about the exploitation to come, but I felt as though this was normal. Ironically, having gone into an AA meeting for the first time in 2003, I felt like I was “home.” Working in the strip club, I also felt like I was home.
Finally I came to a point where I realized that the strip club was not a place I wanted to end up, after becoming involved with some unstable men, and not feeling safe. Having chosen males who reminded me of my father, I was able to stop going back one day. It wasn’t until I fell in love with a boyfriend from Brazil in Feb of 2000 that I started to uncover memories of sexual abuse by my father.
This started to come up for me as I had let my boyfriend have anal sex with me when I didn’t really want to. This triggered a complex of emotions from my childhood, and I was confused, bewildered and overwhelmed with depression, and sorrow. I did not understand, and fortunately after talking to my best friend at the time, I started therapy. My memories did not end up surfacing until after 6 months into to therapy.
After I started dealing with the shock that I was actually sexually abused by my father and exploited by my mother, I could not accept them in my life, and have not talked to them for over 9 years. I have worked with 3 therapists over the last 9 years, and I love my current therapist, although a lot of times, I wish I did not have to even go to therapy.
I am reaching out in this community as I do not want to feel alone. I have felt alone, except that I see a therapist once a week. I do not feel alone in my alcoholism if I attend AA meetings and ask for help, so I think I am doing the same thing here; trying to find a community of PTSD survivors. At times I want to write a book about my life, this may be part of my healing process too.
Today, I am trying to be an adult in my life-Trying to accept the responsibilities of paying bills, not overspending, or going to work. I have been moving about my life from my wounded girl-self, and now that I have done so much healing and growth, I need to move about from a more grounded adult-self.
Each day is different. I am not sure how I may or may not be triggered. I have my cache of addictions that I use to self-medicate, by not feeling anxiety of just being in my skin and feeling emotions. Currently I do not drink, but I love to eat to cover up my emotions. This started when I was 7. I also self-harm by picking at my skin. These two obsessions and compulsions are the biggest demons I have yet to successfully face.
Now I am 35. I feel like I just turned 23 or 24 and am ready to reclaim what I had wanted to do at that age; go to medical school. But I am so scared to start this path. I am pretty sure I want to go for Nursing to satisfy my desire of being in the health field, and not feeling so overwhelmed by Medical School and possibly not being accepted due to the high competition. My AA foundation tells me to take it one day at a time. So the next right thing for me to do is just take pre-requisite courses to refresh my memory.
Guess that’s all for now! My name is Sherry.
Later, I re-enacted the abuse by working as a stripper, even though I had a college degree in biochemistry, I did not have the emotional strength or confidence to go on to do what I really wanted to do; medicine. Each night before I would go to work, I would cringe in my body about the exploitation to come, but I felt as though this was normal. Ironically, having gone into an AA meeting for the first time in 2003, I felt like I was “home.” Working in the strip club, I also felt like I was home.
Finally I came to a point where I realized that the strip club was not a place I wanted to end up, after becoming involved with some unstable men, and not feeling safe. Having chosen males who reminded me of my father, I was able to stop going back one day. It wasn’t until I fell in love with a boyfriend from Brazil in Feb of 2000 that I started to uncover memories of sexual abuse by my father.
This started to come up for me as I had let my boyfriend have anal sex with me when I didn’t really want to. This triggered a complex of emotions from my childhood, and I was confused, bewildered and overwhelmed with depression, and sorrow. I did not understand, and fortunately after talking to my best friend at the time, I started therapy. My memories did not end up surfacing until after 6 months into to therapy.
After I started dealing with the shock that I was actually sexually abused by my father and exploited by my mother, I could not accept them in my life, and have not talked to them for over 9 years. I have worked with 3 therapists over the last 9 years, and I love my current therapist, although a lot of times, I wish I did not have to even go to therapy.
I am reaching out in this community as I do not want to feel alone. I have felt alone, except that I see a therapist once a week. I do not feel alone in my alcoholism if I attend AA meetings and ask for help, so I think I am doing the same thing here; trying to find a community of PTSD survivors. At times I want to write a book about my life, this may be part of my healing process too.
Today, I am trying to be an adult in my life-Trying to accept the responsibilities of paying bills, not overspending, or going to work. I have been moving about my life from my wounded girl-self, and now that I have done so much healing and growth, I need to move about from a more grounded adult-self.
Each day is different. I am not sure how I may or may not be triggered. I have my cache of addictions that I use to self-medicate, by not feeling anxiety of just being in my skin and feeling emotions. Currently I do not drink, but I love to eat to cover up my emotions. This started when I was 7. I also self-harm by picking at my skin. These two obsessions and compulsions are the biggest demons I have yet to successfully face.
Now I am 35. I feel like I just turned 23 or 24 and am ready to reclaim what I had wanted to do at that age; go to medical school. But I am so scared to start this path. I am pretty sure I want to go for Nursing to satisfy my desire of being in the health field, and not feeling so overwhelmed by Medical School and possibly not being accepted due to the high competition. My AA foundation tells me to take it one day at a time. So the next right thing for me to do is just take pre-requisite courses to refresh my memory.
Guess that’s all for now! My name is Sherry.
