Pakadlangitok
Silver Member
Hi-
I am one who suffers from complex PTSD because of some pretty horrific abuse. I have been on a lot of therapy. CBT, DBT, EMDR, etc....... DBT helped me the most. I had seizures with EMDR (later on).
I have been dxed with complex PTSD- if anyone has read Achilles in Vietnam, it was that kind- infiltrated my beliefs, altered my faith, hit upon every aspect of my life, far beyond the acute phase. My abuse was prolonged, religious based, awful, and I was threatened not to tell.
But I got out of it and was on the road to recovery. I did a lot of work in the field of abuse survivors. I was reaching out and telling my story helped. I am an artist and my work was featured on a semi well known program. I had a grant to do a documentary on abuse. I was very careful NEVER to mention my abuser's name or specifics. He worked in Washington DC in a power position and I knew it would not be wise. So I never mentioned any identifying things.
Then the unthinkable happened.
Just as I was beginning to heal, almost 2 decades after I was free of him, my abuser actually DID make good on his threat to hurt me if I told anyone what happened. What he did to me many years later, many years after the first abuse which was horrific to begin with, was even worse.
My lawyer was a woman trained in abuse issues. The court case went on for 3 years! There were delays as my abuser got several lawyers and called in witness after witness, draining me financially and mentally. I had a small stroke and started to have seizures. Then my lawyer just turned. I don't know if she was threatened or what. She sent me a paper to sign- no explanation. It was a gag order. I had to promise to never speak of the abuse again.
This is where the 2nd trauma hit, the undoing of my mind a second time. Up till then I thought I might finally find justice.
I balked but she sent me an email saying she would have to quit if it went to court which would mean starting all over AGAIN. Please don't tell me about contracts, etc. She was losing far more money than she would have by the breech of contract and next to a mentally ill abuse survivor with no money she would have come out roses.
I was not human and did not deserve human rights. I was like a beast, no shower, eating with hands, shaking...............No, I was not human and did not deserve to be treated like one, but I just wanted to sleep and have my mind return to some kind of balance!
I was literally vomiting as I signed. I did not fully understand what I was signing, but I knew it was against regulations, and even my human rights. But she refused my phone calls and all I could see was the whole thing being over.
To top it off, my lawyer "lost" all my psych records. I am sure, to use them if I went to the bar, which I did, but I had too much trouble communicating by then and she was also a power person.
Then I just "closed down," if you know what I mean by that. I totally stopped talking for almost 2 weeks, not knowing how to speak since I was ordered to stop- the terror at even speaking about normal things was too much for fear I might slip and talk about what just happened. So I just stopped.
MUCH later, I did go to another lawyer who said it would take at least $30,000 to undo it as all the witnesses would have to be called back.
This all happened long ago, but I have never processed it. I still live in fear. I cannot go to therapists anymore because confidentiality means nothing if your records are court ordered as mine were. I never really thought of that when I signed consent papers before. But now I notice.
Again, I am "WAY out of the range of normal" even for PTSD.
I welcome friends and kind people. But please do not tell me to go to the Supreme Court and demand my freedom of speech etc.....I can assure you that I fully realize the power structures at work. I am a poor unstable woman- not the kind to reap any benefits from our legal system.
I am just looking for ideas on how to recover without the #1 tool of talking about what happened to me and to connect with other people who will REALLY understand the dynamics of silencing a victim.
Thank you for reading this. May we all recover one day.
Rachel
I am one who suffers from complex PTSD because of some pretty horrific abuse. I have been on a lot of therapy. CBT, DBT, EMDR, etc....... DBT helped me the most. I had seizures with EMDR (later on).
I have been dxed with complex PTSD- if anyone has read Achilles in Vietnam, it was that kind- infiltrated my beliefs, altered my faith, hit upon every aspect of my life, far beyond the acute phase. My abuse was prolonged, religious based, awful, and I was threatened not to tell.
But I got out of it and was on the road to recovery. I did a lot of work in the field of abuse survivors. I was reaching out and telling my story helped. I am an artist and my work was featured on a semi well known program. I had a grant to do a documentary on abuse. I was very careful NEVER to mention my abuser's name or specifics. He worked in Washington DC in a power position and I knew it would not be wise. So I never mentioned any identifying things.
Then the unthinkable happened.
Just as I was beginning to heal, almost 2 decades after I was free of him, my abuser actually DID make good on his threat to hurt me if I told anyone what happened. What he did to me many years later, many years after the first abuse which was horrific to begin with, was even worse.
My lawyer was a woman trained in abuse issues. The court case went on for 3 years! There were delays as my abuser got several lawyers and called in witness after witness, draining me financially and mentally. I had a small stroke and started to have seizures. Then my lawyer just turned. I don't know if she was threatened or what. She sent me a paper to sign- no explanation. It was a gag order. I had to promise to never speak of the abuse again.
This is where the 2nd trauma hit, the undoing of my mind a second time. Up till then I thought I might finally find justice.
I balked but she sent me an email saying she would have to quit if it went to court which would mean starting all over AGAIN. Please don't tell me about contracts, etc. She was losing far more money than she would have by the breech of contract and next to a mentally ill abuse survivor with no money she would have come out roses.
I was not human and did not deserve human rights. I was like a beast, no shower, eating with hands, shaking...............No, I was not human and did not deserve to be treated like one, but I just wanted to sleep and have my mind return to some kind of balance!
I was literally vomiting as I signed. I did not fully understand what I was signing, but I knew it was against regulations, and even my human rights. But she refused my phone calls and all I could see was the whole thing being over.
To top it off, my lawyer "lost" all my psych records. I am sure, to use them if I went to the bar, which I did, but I had too much trouble communicating by then and she was also a power person.
Then I just "closed down," if you know what I mean by that. I totally stopped talking for almost 2 weeks, not knowing how to speak since I was ordered to stop- the terror at even speaking about normal things was too much for fear I might slip and talk about what just happened. So I just stopped.
MUCH later, I did go to another lawyer who said it would take at least $30,000 to undo it as all the witnesses would have to be called back.
This all happened long ago, but I have never processed it. I still live in fear. I cannot go to therapists anymore because confidentiality means nothing if your records are court ordered as mine were. I never really thought of that when I signed consent papers before. But now I notice.
Again, I am "WAY out of the range of normal" even for PTSD.
I welcome friends and kind people. But please do not tell me to go to the Supreme Court and demand my freedom of speech etc.....I can assure you that I fully realize the power structures at work. I am a poor unstable woman- not the kind to reap any benefits from our legal system.
I am just looking for ideas on how to recover without the #1 tool of talking about what happened to me and to connect with other people who will REALLY understand the dynamics of silencing a victim.
Thank you for reading this. May we all recover one day.
Rachel
