Complex Ptsd - Warped View Of Therapist As Bad Parent

[LizBeth1]

Hi everyone -
I have CPTSD and have been in EMDR for a year. While there've been a few EMDR sessions, there haven't been many yet as my T is being cautious with me and wants to go slow. So we do a lot of talking and inner child work when not doing EMDR. My big challenge lately is negative transference onto my T. She's an objective, very professional therapist and has high integrity. However, since she's a kind of "cool cucumber" personality, I inevitably start projecting onto her, perceiving her through the distortion that she is the same cold, unsympathetic, clinical woman as my mother was, and I become defensive, self-protective, sometimes angry at her -- obviously I'm in a regression when this is happening, and she gets that and knows what to do, but it's so embarrassing and I find myself feeling very ashamed. I've told her this and she gets it, has seen it in many clients, etc. I know that this is holding up progress, and that feels frustrating -- I feel stuck. I also know I can't possibly be the only person who's had this experience :)

Have any of you twisted your therapists into the enemy, even though in the clear light of day, you know they're probably just fine? What did you do about it? Thanks!!

LizBeth

 

[anthony]

Moved to therapy forum, as this is about therapy, not complex trauma.

 

[LizBeth1]

Thank you, Anthony. Looking forward to anyone's stories here.
-LB

 

[Jade-]

There are times I go for my sessions and as I'm sitting in the waiting room, I get myself all worked up thinking the worst about my T. I start thinking about all the 'what if's'....what if as I'm walking past him he knocks me down from behind...what if once he closes the door, he locks it, what if he grabs me and throws me on the desk...what if....

I know he would never do those things...well at least I hope he never would...yet I can't help thinking them. Those sessions don't go well at all. I don't want to even look at him and I sure don't want to talk to him. He knows...I have told him...since I can't change the way I feel, I just hope the next session goes better.

It is embarrassing....but it is what it is. I don't have any solutions for you, but I wanted you to know you're not the only one who goes through that.

 

[LizBeth1]

Thanks Jadebear... Just hearing this is helpful. Sorry that that's how it feels for you -- but I completely, totally get it. It sounds like your T gets it too. Yes, embarrassing. Little-kid shame comes up for me... I can also feel an angry teenage part of me that's trying to provoke her. I feel that she may be exasperated with me during those times. And that's a trigger in itself. Do you ever sense your T is feeling like that when things get rough? I'm sure that I'm trying to provoke her into having a negative response to me so that I can then have an excuse to run away. That's generally my default performance piece. Oh joy! :)

Thanks:)

 

[Abstract]

Hi! Thanks for posting this.

I am doing this a lot but am aware of it and am telling my t and saying I know it is not true but last session she seemed to be angry with me (she says that is me projecting again) and told me off (?) for putting my stuff anto her.
She said to me, "DON'T DO THAT. DON'T MAKE ME BAD."
I am still reeling from all of this.

Sure that does not help you but I am glad she understands and I do feel for you. It is so frustrating when one wishes one was reacting differently and yet can't.

 

[BloomInWinter]

That 'emphatic delivery' of an 'interrupting' thought that gets interjected in the middle of our conditioned response sure feels awful at the time, but it has to be delivered with that kind of impact or it doesn't carve through that deep rut.

Though I do believe many T.s who retraumatized those with PTSD end up doing it because they do an 'emphatic delivery' of a new cognitive response before enough trust has been established to form a safety net to fall back on.

This is one of the failings of managed care forcing T.'s to push, push, push too early for some of us...maybe especially for those withcomplex PTSD.

Interesting thread!

 

[Abstract]

Sorry to use this thread for this but hopefully it is still on topic.
Thanks BloomInWinter for that post as it may give me more of an idea of why she may have done this. Everything I said to explain my feelings she responded like that.
I have not seen her for long and certainly have not yet managed to get even near a trusting space.
Am having increase in symptoms and intrusive memories of the experience all the time. Just can't can't can't imagine being able to go back and yet I have to. :(

LizBth1, this issue was keeping me stuck too. Hope you figure how to get unstuck. I also become convinced she is going to get frustrated with me.

 

[Heather]

Yes, I've done this too LizBeth. I went through a very rough patch last year and I increased my sessions with my therapist. Sometimes I saw him 2-3x's a week. When I wasn't seeing him I was calling him on the phone. He was okay with it as he knew I needed the help.

Well, you can't go through something like that and NOT feel closer to that person. I couldn't handle those feelings that I had developed for him and basiclly freaked out. I was very mean to him for several months afterwards. I was argumentative, confrontational and just plain nasty to him.

When I finally came to my senses. We talked about it and I apologized for being such a b*tch. He said he hadn't noticed

. I said when I decided to put my wall down it automaticly became easy again. We just talked about it again last week and he said that because of my history of sex. abuse as a child I was hurt by the very people that were suppose to love and protect me. So, he's not surprised that there's this push pull dynamic going on between him and I because at this point he is the person that I trust the most but even with him there's a limit.

Take care. Heather

 

[Sterre]

I know that this is holding up progress, and that feels frustrating -- I feel stuck.
LizBeth

Hi Lizbeth,

Why do you feel like this is holding up progress? I think the things you mention are really big progress. Being aware of the dynamics between you and other people ( in this case you T) is an important insight in how you function in certain relationships, and how you can project feelings upon someone.
I'm sorry you feel stuck because of it, but to me it doesnt look like you're stuck at all!
You are learning about yourself in relation to others.
Good for you!

 

[Reclusive]

I hear ya, LizBeth - my PTSD causes me to have issues with 'authority' figures. Okay, I always had issues, but now they aren't just rabble-rousing but terror and helplessness instead. Just as you feel, it's holding up my progress because I don't feel like I can question anything my T says or ask for explanation. So I just leave feeling confused and like I haven't made any progress. And, yay for me, the first thing I told my T was that I have issues with authority figures so I might make things difficult. And now I think I should probably tell him that whole questioning part. Le sigh.

But I think if you've told your T how you feel already and she knows how to handle it, you're fine. You guys will eventually work through it. Just know that it's just another symptom that's going to go away.

 

[LizBeth1]

Thanks everyone for relaying your experiences. Sterre, what you're saying has been confirmed, although I couldn't have guessed it at the time... getting angry can be productive after all :) Part of it has a lot to do of my fear of expressing anger -- if I did that growing up in my house, the parental response was catastrophic. So a therapist should already be "onto" stuff like that in PTSD, and mine is, I'm now learning. A decent therapist should offer a space in which it is safe for the person to express anger -- it may be that the person never had a space like that before.

In my case, she pointed out that it was good that I showed anger because it showed that I had an inner protector who was working hard to keep me safe (it was just an exaggerated response in a situation that didn't require it). She said it was good because it meant I wasn't afraid to express it, which is 'new' for me, and it meant that I trusted her enough to do it without fear that the result would be her abandonment of me. That was a cool realization. That the relationship is spacious enough to allow for those emotions, without fear of things folding up as a result of expressing them.

Abstract - I can see where 'don't do that - don't make me bad' could be very triggering - that expression could feel like you've made a mistake! Being told you've "done something wrong" is not going to help that at all. Tell your T that there needs to be another way to communicate this. I personally am not a fan of "don't" statements. How about your T telling you what you DO need to do so that things can keep moving in a positive direction? Might be something to talk about... Bloom, I totally agree w/your take on this - good point. It was too soon for the T to be saying something like that... and it coulda been said differently too.

Reclusive - you should tell your T everything you said here. I get what you're saying... maybe if you get lucky, your T will make you mad and it'll all come out ;) But in all seriousness, if you have been on the receiving end of abuses of power, you may associate power with negativity. In this case, it may appear to you that your T has all the power, so maybe it feels like you're being dominated. All that means is that you have not accessed your own power yet. Maybe try to find examples of positive power around you. I feel like if you told your T what you're saying here, it could break open some more honest relating and your T would rise to the occasion of helping you express the things you haven't felt comfortable expressing.

Absolutely Heather - being hurt by the ones you love and who were supposed to protect you - it makes sense that that would totally come up when trying to trust a T, who's supposed to protect you. Your T sounds pretty patient and solid :)

Thanks everybody; this is really helpful.