Welcome to the forum !Hello Fellow Survivors,
I go by Woodsy on these forums. I'm glad to meet you. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
I was abused from birth to age 12 by an alcoholic father. I saw some pretty crazy stuff in Desert Shield/Storm. Then I later suffered spiritual abuse for 18 years. As if that weren't enough, my wife was diagnosed with NPD, HPD, BPD and bi-polar and I felt every ounce of the wrath of those disorders for the better part of 12 years. I think it suffices to say that I am a hot mess! LOL.
I am learning to laugh at myself though. That helps a bit.
After coming out of my spiritually abusive group, I was still stuck with my wife. Sorry, ladies, I don't mean to demean you at all. I'm sure there are many wonderful ladies in the world. My wife simply wasn't one of them. And I don't devalue marriage at all, just my marriage.
Good to get that out of the way. After coming out of that group, I was diagnosed with PTSD, MDD, GAD and Social Anxiety Disorder. I worked for a while until my trauma symptoms made that impossible. Thankfully the VA granted me 100% Disability for PTSD.
I spent 2 years curled up on my couch, playing video games to try and stop the condemning intrusive thoughts and deal with the constant barrage of unimaginable mental, emotional, and physical symptoms. Some of these symptoms were caused by my condition, others by all the different meds the VA tried out on me in an attempt to treat me. I probably tried just about every med in the book at the time, and then some. None helped. Most made things worse. I guess I'm just one of the folks whose atypical condition is refractory to treatment.
I was way too traumatized to benefit from counseling or therapy. I tried with several different flavors of counselors and therapists. Nothing helped. Everything made my condition worse.
I pretty much gave up on myself. I figured this is how the rest of my life was going to be and I'd just white-knuckle it on my couch until I died.
Well, after 6 years of that hell, I finally came out of my darkness into a little bit of light. I've laid hold on that light with the best grip I've got. I'm trying to widen the window and let more light in by any means possible.
For the first time in almost a decade, I have hope. Hope makes all things more bearable.
I am seeing a therapist. I've found a healthy faith community. I'm participating in forums like this one.
My latest baby step that is a huge step for me is that I'm going to a local mall most every day. I walk a few laps for exercise. I also talk with people here and there. It's incredibly threatening and uncomfortable for me, but it is also becoming somewhat enjoyable.
I literally have no idea how to socialize. I don't know what I would do for work or if/when that will ever be possible again. I'm middle-aged and I feel emotionally like a 12 year old, starting life all over again and having absolutely no clue how I'm supposed to do it.
Like so many people with trauma in their life, my mantra is becoming, "One day at a time." My favorite word for describing the hell of PTSD and all that goes with it is, "Ugh!"
Right now that's my favorite of all words: "Ugh!" I won a game of Scrabble with that word once. Yes, it is in the dictionary. I think it was worth like 20 or 30 points. Ugh!
Ugh! Like ug-ly. That's how we feel so often, right? Ugh! Like someone just delivered a blow to my stomach which knocked the wind out of me. Ugh! Or a kick to the groin. Ugh!
That's how I feel when I wake up most mornings. Ugh! Another day. I'm thankful, but Ugh!
That's how I feel mid-day. Ugh! Here come all my symptoms again. Ugh!
That's how I feel in the evening. Ugh! I made it through another day and even experienced some peace and maybe even a laugh, but Ugh! I am so tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Ugh!
So, when you see me around in this forum, don't be surprised if you hear me say it: Ugh!
Thanks for letting me join in on this journey with you.
I look forward to getting to know you and I wish you the very best,