Sexual Assault Concerned About Flat Emotional Reaction Re: Female-to-boy Abuse

[Pietro]

After reading through this thread, something occurred to me, which I thought interesting in the context on my own experience.

I don't know exactly what happened to me, in the past, but, after two years of processing, I strongly suspect some kind of sexual abuse. Not sure if it included physical abuse, or was just emotional, but I believe there was some of the former and lots of the latter. Recently, I've begun to get the impression that at least some of this abuse occurred with a woman; I have no specifics on this, it's just an impression, at this point.

With that context, here's my issue. When hearing about sexual abuse of young girls at the hands of adults, my first reaction is usually rage. Same for sexual abuse of boys abused by adult men. However, for sexual abuse of boys by adult women, I am emotionally flat. Intellectually, I understand the problems caused by coercion, control, etc. But, emotionally, it just doesn't hit me.

I find this very interesting, given that I feel that at least part of my abuse occurred with a woman. Has anyone else experienced this kind of emotional flatness, at some point during their journey? Is it some form of repression (which is what I suspect)? I'm hoping that the perspectives of others on this might provide some things to help me understand what's going on with me.

 

[Friday]

Yep. But I don't have an issue with memories. I remember everything. Nearly all the time. It was, however, the final straw that cracked me this last go-round (this is my 2nd bad PTSD run) when this total sweetheart of a guy mentioned exactly my primary trauma stuff. Almost in passing.

To be clear, there'd been plenty of stressors leading up to this break, and I'd crashed through about a dozen safety nets. It wasn't his mention of combat PTSD and certain particulars that did it. It was just the straw. I sank down to a couch, cleared my weapon, clicked every round in the magazine into my purse, cleaned my lane, and turned my weapon in... I had gone completely cold and hard for the first time in a decade. Flat aspect.

He saw it happen. Lol... Not sure which of us it scared more. Poor guy stayed glued to me out to the parking lot. And -bless him- didn't get my range card pulled.

People don't expect a Volvo driving soccer-mom to trigger on combat stuff. Sexual stuff, DV stuff maybe, but not combat stuff. Poor guy. I have loads of secondary, tertiary trauma stuff, that simply doesn't affect me the same way. Ever. Not then, not now. "My" stuff? Yup. Hits like a ton of bricks. And I either freak the f*ck out (did, later) or go completely cold. I can talk about being raped, being physically abused, all the secondary & tertiary till the cows come home. Some things are harder than others, but I can still connect. Gearshift goes into neutral or 5th, though, when it's primary.

I don't know what your going flat means to or for you. All I know is for myself.

 

[Pietro]

@FridayJones, thanks. :) It's significant to know that "going flat" on something can actually be an indication that there's "something there", something that should probably be paid attention to.

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi Pietro. You've raised a really interesting question that's made me think a lot. Thanks! For me, at least, the answer is a resounding yes--emotional flatness is some kind of repression, or dissociation, if you will. Two different things in how they play out, I know. I do/have both. (Ergh...can one say one "has" repression? or "does" repression?)

As you already know some of the stuff I'm dealing with I'll be shortish and tell one story of emotional flatness.

It haunts me always. When I was 17, my good friend R was sitting in my kitchen one afternoon. She told me that her father was sexually abusing her. It stunned me cold. Literally. I could offer her about zero. I couldn't even actually quite believe her because it seemed unreal. I tried to be supportive, offered to go with her to talk to a teacher or something, but I think she sensed I was the wrong person to tell and/or didn't respond the way she had hoped. Our friendship was never the same after that, to my profound regret. She committed suicide two years later. It was not the last time that stories of sexual abuse left me cold. I have always felt like a detestable person because of this. Just couldn't go there, I guess, until all these years later when my own stuff is hitting the fan.

 

[Pietro]

@Hope4Now: I'm so sorry to hear about this story, but thank you for posting it. I think this answers my question.

 

[somethingsomething]

Yeah, I didn't remember a big chunk of some childhood abuse. So you're not alone. I was only three, so even though I remember now...a lot of my memories are more "feeling" based than anything. Though I do have some very brief clear memories. But I too felt kind of "dead", I guess, in terms of sexual abuse. Men peeved me out, but with women it was (and sometimes still) like I would freeze up and get emotionally still. (My abuse was with a woman.)