Conflicted

[Sun_Ray]

My family welcomes my brother with open arms even though they know and believe he molested me for years and agree it was wrong. If he were the neighborhood kid, they wouldn't ever treat him so well, if they even talked to him at all. So, what is it about a family member that makes people so stupid. Guilt? Personal gain in having a relationship with him? Am I being selfish to expect them to cut him out of their lives?

When I think about it, I feel betrayed. It's almost as painful as the abuse itself.

 

[Ice_Fire]

:hug: That must be so painful. I'm in a similar situation with my parents and the rest of my family. They believe me, but still invite them round to family things and treat them as if nothing is wrong. I've put my foot down with my birthday party next weekend...its MY party and I'll cry if they are there!

I don't expect my family to disown them though,blood is thicker than water after all I suppose, although it feels like they have got away with it, which they have and I hate it. I somehow can't manage that, but that's due to the attitude of family anyway! Its so frustrating and feels so painful when, despite knowing, family treat them well. It's like being stabbed in the chest.

I'm guessing no action was ever taken against him, as he was young at the time too?
I'm only a message away if you need to talk.

 

[Sun_Ray]

He's 5 yrs older than me, which means when I was 13 he was an adult. He joined the Navy because he said he needed to get away from me, which tells me he knows it was wrong.

Yeah I guess blood is thicker than water. My Ts along the way attribute my family's actions as a symptom of their own guilt colliding with their love of him before they knew what was going on. I was in a class for my masters a few weeks ago and I was talking about how I don't think I could provide counseling for an abuser if the person disclosed it after spending some time in counseling with me. My prof said, "You could counsel him before. What's the difference in the person after they've disclosed?" I thought about that, like I was being judgmental. And then I thought that, yeah there wasn't a difference in the client and that this is diff than my brother. Client is there for help, brother isn't.

So, perhaps my family is reacting to the same person as he was before disclosure.

But, it doesn't stop my jealousy that he got away with it and I've spent decades suffering from it. We had a fight a few years ago (when we still had a normal brother/sister relationship) about the amount of $ I've spent on therapy. He said "If you're going to sue someone, sue mom and dad first. They should have stopped me." He'll never change, he'll never be the client in my office. But, for my family, the hurt isn't there.

Are we resigned to just suck it up and "move on?" meh.

 

[cherryblossom]

That's a very difficult situation. I would imagine for your parents comparing their son to a neighbourhood kid - there is no comparison. He is still their son. I don't have children, but I can't begin to imagine how hard it would be to cut my child out of my life. Or how hard it would be to admit that my son molested my daughter.

I'm not condoning anything your brother has done, but unless it's justified, don't take his actions out on your parents.

If you want to take action, you need to report him to the police.

Otherwise you need to accept that your parents will still have a relationship with their son. If they expect you and him to socialise, then you will need to put your foot down and refuse.

 

[Tarot]

I would be livid. Where is the loyalty to you, not just your brother? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I guess I'm just not as compassionate and understanding as you because I would have cut them all out of my life long ago. I realized that life is too short to stay in sick relationships-- family or not.