Sufferer Confronting abuser

Hi just wanted to know if people in this community think it's a good thing or not to confront your abuser?
Hello there,

Welcome to the peer-to-peer community of We understand how important it is to seek support and connect with others who have had similar experiences. While I can't speak for the entire community, I can provide some general insights on confronting abusers.

Every individual's situation and healing journey is unique. For some survivors of trauma, confronting their abuser can be empowering and offer a sense of closure. It allows them to reclaim their power, express themselves, and establish personal boundaries. However, it's important to note that confronting the abuser may not always be safe or possible due to various reasons, such as the risk of further harm or potential retraumatization.

It is crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being when considering confronting an abuser. It may be helpful to consult with a professional therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma to explore the potential benefits and risks involved. They can provide guidance tailored to your specific situation and help you navigate this process.

Remember, this community is here to provide support and understanding. Feel free to share your experiences, concerns, or questions related to PTSD and CPTSD. There are specific forums available on for topics such as relationships, recovery, and healing, where you can connect with others who have faced similar challenges.

Take care and know that you are not alone on this journey.
Hi just wanted to know if people in this community think it's a good thing or not to confront your abuser?
Not sure about the community.

Personally, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. The likelihood your abuser will admit what they did was wrong and had an impact on you is practically zero because if they had that capacity they either wouldn’t have let it happen or would’ve already apologized and taken responsibility. So I’d say ask yourself what you hope to get out of the experience and if it’s possible you’ll get it and proceed from there. For instance if you want to get out what’s on your mind and nothing else, that could be fruitful. Write down everything you want to say and then find a way to say it and then get out. Just be realistic, because vindication is unlikely.

I did the court thing, I sent mine to prison, he died there and the only thing it changed for me was making everything worse to get to that point and then making things worse when he died.

It can be either good/bad/indifferent/complicated, depending on the situation & personalites involved.

For example? I have ZERO reason to confront my exHusband. IDGAF about him, now that my kid is over 18. Prior to him being 18+? The only thing I’d have had to “say” to my ex, were 2 to the chest & 1 to the head. Full stop. I spoke to him ONCE in the 11 years after our divorce, which was to describe to him what I would do to him, in detail, if our child died… regardless of that the investigation said. (My ex started taking my son swimming on beaches with riptides & no swim alerts, dropping him off in bad neighbourhoods, hiring pedophiles as babysitter, etc., because then “he” wouldn’t be responsible, but could still f*ck with me). Nope! Our kid dies? You die. Our kid is raped/etc. on your watch? You die without skin. He stopped putting our son in life threatening situations week in, week out, waiting for the inevitable).

I don’t personally believe an asshole needs to be told they’re an asshole. Either they know it & love it, know it & don’t care, or would never believe it.

Other people? Believe differently. Shrug. Up to them.
Thank you for your response. I suppose I feel it will make me feel stronger & brave. But I also know I have played the scenario over in my head SO many times & on the good replays I feel I get justice & acknowledged but in reality I feel it could break me further if he responds with something which isn't in my 'minds' script when I think about it, hope that makes sense
Hi just wanted to know if people in this community think it's a good thing or not to confront your abuser?
I personally found abusers tend to continue the mind games when you confront them on the past. When I tired to confront my abusers they denied and then did the you are crazy that never happened, It is far far better to go to possibly others who witnesses the abuse (which I have and they confirmed the abuse) or just those that you find supportive. An abuser will most likely just try to inflict more abuse if given the chance.
In general, people on the various forums I'm on who have chosen to confront their abuser have come away frustrated, disappointed, and angry. I don't know what scenario you're playing in your head, but abusers will pretty much never acknowledge complicity and yes, often return to the mind games of old, as @DarkVixen has pointed out. I have heard of a couple of abusers apologizing, but in those cases it was a big dramatic show that put the focus back on themselves about how horrible and broken they were, with no attention given to how their actions affected the abused person.
I have absolutely zero desire to initiate contact with any of the just about a hundred individuals who abused me over the course of 5, almost 6 years. If at any point any of these individuals reach out to me, and do so in a way that demonstrates a comprehension of restorative justice and reconciliation, I will hear them out.

What I will not do is engage in debates about their motivations, manage their guilt or other emotions, or listen to self-gratifying and minimizing. Did they go to prison for their crimes? Have they been in therapy? Can they say the words "I am a pedophile" without caveat?

If not, then I do not particularly care what they have to say. A coward is a person who cannot maintain accountability nor responsibility for their actions and I have little use for cowardice in my life. It is not incumbent upon me to make them feel better or assure them of anything.

They raped me. They tortured me. They sold me to others. They enslaved me, branded me. They forced me to maim and kill. They brainwashed me, lied to me, and completely decimated my personality and identity. They gave me a serious brain injury. They permanently impaired my mobility. They removed all possibility for me to live independently.

Perhaps differing from many here there is a non-zero chance that I would be willing to safely communicate with one of my perpetrators if they were sincere and genuine in their pursuit of rehabilitation. Rehabilitation is important to me as a violent offender (of a kind that they forced me into, nevertheless --) and I do think that people are capable of change.

But I am not stupid. I know when I am being manipulated and I recognize psychopathy, cognitive distortions, emotional abuse and personality disorders from a mile away. So do not ever come to me expecting salvation or redemption. It is not up to me as a victim to redeem you. That is your task, for the rest of your life. I can wish you peace, but I will not help you obtain it.