Confronting An Abuser

[Red Dog]

For those of you who have confronted an abuser in your life, please give me any suggestions that you might have. I am a survivor of childhood abuse and I am planning to confront one of my abusers: my mother. Recently she has said some reprehensible things about me (and the abuse) when I wasn't in her presence. She wasn't the primary abuser, but she did very little, if anything, to protect me and now as an adult and I don't think she takes any responsibility and shows little remorse what she did and didn't do.

I am preparing myself for her denial and minimization of what happened and I'm thinking that perhaps cutting her out of my life for a while feels really good to me. I also want to give her an ultimatum that she gets into therapy herself if she wants to still have a relationship with me as I don't really think I want to continue having a relationship with her anymore. Any suggestions?

 

[Nicolette]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/confronting-the-lies-of-colluding-family-members-regarding-child-sexual-abuse.11389/[/DLMURL]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/confronting-abuser-informing-family.27262/[/DLMURL]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/confronted-my-abuser.27475/[/DLMURL]

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There is a really good book that has some good things to say about Toxic Parents by Susan Froward. You have to go from a position of strength. Do you have a therapist? This seems like a great toic to take into therapy. I wish you the best. Good luck.

 

[Smushroom]

The only thing I can suggest is re-think the ultimatum. You may be bitterly disappointed. Unfortunately some people would rather let go of a relationship with their children, than admit they are wrong or what they did was wrong. And if she has condoned or let the abuse happen, chances are this is the kind of person she is.

Very brave of you to be confronting one of your abusers. I am in the process at the moment of organising to confront my mother, for exactly the same things your mother did.

I just don't understand how a parent can see their child being abused but do nothing to stop it??

Goodluck!

 

[Estacia]

I did not get to confront my parents. They died when I was 16. They were my first abusers. Although they been gone for 16 years, I have been playing what I would say if I could. I'm with you, denial, blame, ect. I don't know what I can tell you other thasn I understand your pain when It comes to this serious issue.

 

[Muzikluvr]

The best thing I did was get a recording of my last confrontation with my mother. She minimized and denied everything, most of the time. But, at one point she muttered, "Oh, was I covering up for him?" It was the closest I got to her letting her guard down. It was enough.

The minimizing and denying and the "kind of" acknowledgment, made me feel a bit better but then I still kept thinking that I could salvage the relationship somehow. Until I listened to the recording again, and hearing it when I was alone and not trying to think of the next question or memory confrontation... that gave me the closure I needed to realize that she knows, she's always known and she is lying to me and probably to herself too. But, all the abuse I suffered while she dealt with it in this way... isn't water under the bridge.

My next conversation with her was via text, and I told her that I would teach my children the truth about their grandparents. I told her that I would sit with her and tell her all that I remembered, and she would feel better about the things that she says she's sorry for... but she would feel worse about the things she doesn't admit. She has not called me since.

Recording it, gave me the objectivity to gain closure by listening to it later. I wasn't going to get closure from talking to my mom, it had to come from listening to her... flimsy excuses.

 

[Grace Hope]

Muzikluvr,

This is one of the most difficult things to do. You need to know that you may not get the answers that you need.

The thing that needs to be done first is to ask yourself if you realy want to do it. How would you feel if the situation did not go right ? What if everything went well ? Have you got the strength and the support you need for the results of what you are doing which ever way it went ?

The second thing I think you will need is support before, during and after whatever you decide to do and the way you decide to confront your abuser.

A good choice could maybe be to use a trained mediator to help you plan the things that you want to do. Also mediators can help with the difficult questions and answers, change the tempo of the meetings so that your stress levels are kept as low as possible and stop the meeting if the situation becomes abusive. It would be a good idea to have someone with you even if you didn`t use a mediator.

I wish you all the luck in the world, whatever your decision is.

God bless
Clan Destany

 

[Tanishq]

I don't expect anything from my parents. Emotionally I have cut cords with them. Now if they tell me they don't care about me, I won't feel anything for them. I know, confronting them was very hard for me before. I would feel what if they end up feeling bad. But I was wrong.

I have understood they are lying. They will lie many times to manipulate me and have me in their life.Then they won't care about my feelings and what I have gone through. I have accepted they won't say sorry to me for doing many wrong things.

I have learned abusers will always try to lie, deny and minimize. They won't admit it. It must be rare that some people will confess they actually committed wrong act and apologize to their kid. They start changing and living a new life with love and freedom.

Acceptance of some facts and truths about abusers can help you in such confronting situations. Also set some boundaries and cut all negative emotional cords with them.

I hope this helps.

 

[Shellbell]

I can't confront any of my 6 abusers. My Father (emotional/physical/threatened sexual abuse) is dead. My Mother (emotional/mental/neglect) is very ill having had a severe stroke. I don't have communication with her. Another (child sex) abuser is dead. Another (kidnapper/rapist) is a saddistic pyscho that I had to move continents to escape from to protect me and my family. One abuser (attack in park) was never caught. And I have no idea where my ex-husband (domestic violence) is.

But I don't want or need to confront them. My healing is about me, not them. None of them would ever own what they did. They are all cowards. Confronting them won't change what they did.

But I do understand some survivors wanting to confront their family members/abusers. It would ve very hard and often not ending in a postive way no doubt.

 

[Red Dog]

The only thing I can suggest is re-think the ultimatum. You may be bitterly disappointed.

I see what you mean: you definitely need to reassess your expectations. However, I'd rather not be in a relationship with someone that is going to constantly reinforce the trauma with thoughtless comments and I am not going to give anymore to this relationship unless she gets help. If she'd rather not accept responsibility for what happened then I don't need her in my life.

I just don't understand how a parent can see their child being abused but do nothing to stop it??

I'm with you on this. For sufferers of this type of abuse, I think we tend to be even more protective over children. I sure as hell don't know why someone would do nothing to protect their children. If you ever want to talk with me about this, please let me know. It often helps a lot when you have someone nearby that understands intimately what you're going through.

 

[Red Dog]

The best thing I did was get a recording of my last confrontation with my mother.

Wow, you are so courageous. I feel like I've been working on preparing myself for a confrontation for several years and it seems like one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Though getting treating and working through the effect of the abuse has been far more difficult I think.

Where I am right now, I think I'm done trying to salvage the relationship and I feel like if she wants to keep having a relationship with me, she needs to start giving something to it and she hasn't in years. She blames everyone but herself for all of her problems and I'm tired of turning a blind eye to it.

What are your thoughts on me possibly writing a letter instead of calling? I feel like I'll get to say everything I want without her interrupting me, without the minimization and denial.

 

[Red Dog]

I don't expect anything from my parents. Emotionally I have cut cords with them.

The ironic part to me is that it seems like if they actually acknowledged what they did and were able to take responsibility for what they did, it might open the door for greater intimacy and the possibility of healing. Isn't that what we all want?