Confused about boyfriend???

[Jay02]

Yes it does. You'll find your groove but you'll also still have rough patches.

Another factor to consider....you said PTSD is new....he is probably still figuring out what's going on. He can't tell you or warn you because he possibly doesnt even know what he's doing....he's just going through motions that make sense to him in his survival state.

Additionally, I have stopped asking questions. I just make statements. Like to his bad really bad meeting text I would reply with something like "Sounds rough. I'm here if you want to talk about it. Ill *something nice* unless you object." My something nice is usually favorite dinner, massage, getting out of the house so he has alone/video game time....but if you don't live together it will probably be something different. You could say Ill come over tonight/this weekend to _____ unless you object. Or I'll say "I'm going to x, y, or z..... say "donut" and I'll abort my mission" to make it more fun.

I found that when I actually started addressing things directly things got a lot easier for me. Instead of guessing I just do things and give him an option to object.

And food is a whole other thing. Sometimes welcome. Sometimes overwhelming. I go with "I'm making ____. It will be ready around ____. There will be enough for you too." Because sometimes "are you hungry?" And "have you eaten today?" And "What do you want to eat?" Are difficult for him to answer.

If he's worth it....hes worth it....and thats great. Just be sure to continuously evaluate that your needs are being met. Even write a list of your needs when things are good to keep yourself accountable. Things will look different in the future than they do now (hopefully better but possibly worse) and you need to ensure you are always getting what you need too (in general, not necessarily on a daily basis). Talking to a third party (therapist) has helped me with this tremendously....especially when things are rough.

Good luck to you.

That definitely is something I will start doing! We don’t live together, but every time I think about the future... I imagine him in it. He doesn’t usually respond to any of my texts... He just reads them and I think I’ve made progress on my end. Before, I would get so upset but now with him reading it, it’s such a reassurance.

As for his PTSD, he has just recently accepted that he has it so you’re right. It’s something he has to figure out how to cope with. The many things that keep me going is when he’s told me that he would never end things with me if it gets tough, that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and a year and a half ago, he didn’t even think he would be in a good relationship with a good woman. So, for me, I think back to all of our positive moments because while there is the bad (such as this), the good outweighs it tremendously.

Thank you so much for your input. It’s my first real relationship and I’m still learning how to make it work, but I am absolutely willing to do whatever it takes.

 

[Freida]

Today was also his VA evaluation, and I don't necessarily know or understand what that means or what it entails. Anyway, he told me that he had a "bad meeting. it was bad."

There are no words to explain how horrible these things are even if you have a GOOD evaluator who is trying to help. Get a bad evaluator? Nope. No words. No way to describe it. I barely even remember my first one - and the gal who did mine tried everything she could to be kind.

My thoughts? Don't ask. At all. Ever. If he wants to talk then listen. But no questions. I've done 3 of them and I still have a hard time talking about them. This may be a part of his life you will never be allowed in so come to terms with that now. And -- it's important to understand Battle Buddies. These are the people we turn to who have been there. They are the ones we talk it out with. it's the same thing in the first responders world..the been there done that club.

his talking to them instead of you has nothing to do with you or your relationship. It has to do with people who understand without words. If it hasn't popped up yet in your relationship it's just a matter of time. Just keep reminding yourself....it's not about you. :hug: