Confused about this relationship - colleague & on again off again friend (sorry long)

[mylunareclipse]

I am not sure where to put this. But here is the situation.

I have been working at the same place for about six years. When I started I became friendly with one of the girls working here. It's a place with a lot of sexism and mostly males. This girl had already complained to me about how she was treated unfairly at this job etc. Anyway fast forward a few years, and my project really takes off and I start getting a lot of attention from our boss. He loves my project and he continuously talks about me in meetings as well as gets me a special training that's usually reserved to more senior people.

At the time, I tried to use my special training to help as many people as possible as I knew that their project was dependent on this. Especially, I saw that the girl was struggling one day and crying and even though the boss said to not worry about her, I decided to help her a lot and would often stay at work really late, like midnight on Fridays just to help her. But all of a sudden her attitude changed, she started being pretty mean to me in text messages and emails. One day we were talking about some people at work and she emailed me the next day saying she preferred we don't talk about people. She also would randomly snap at me, and then say well you deserved it coz you get such favorable treatment. She would join other people at work and they would mock me about how my project was not that important. She said I have been thinking about this actually and I don't think your work is that important. The worse was one time when me, her and another guy from work were in the elevator just going to grab a sandwich for lunch. I was talking to the other guy and somehow she felt excluded and stopped talking to me. She would not respond to me for the rest of the lunch time. I was really puzzled as I hadn't done anything to her. Later on I wrote her an email saying I really cared about her and if there was anything I did wrong we could discuss it. She responded saying she had just had a childish behavior and we made peace. She even gave me small gift in the next few days, but after that I found out she had deleted me from Facebook for no reason. I was really confused.
Throughout the years I still really liked her and wanted to be her friend. I always stood up for her and believed she was really smart and competent and would try to point this out to people, as dealing with sexism and put downs at our job is not uncommon. One day I found out that she had spread some rumors about me and then she gave me no credit for having helped her with her project. I got really upset and couldn't understand. A few weeks later we discussed it and she said that yes she had been mean to me because she had been jealous of me. I could appreciate her being honest and at least acknowlidging what she had done (though thinking back she never really apologized).
Finally about a year ago, she went again on one of her weird behaviors and I decided enough is enough and pulled myself away from our friendship. She still tried from time to time to either snap at me or buy me little gifts, but now we are just co-workers. I have to say that a few months after deciding to stop our friendship I missed one of her important events at work, but I just couldn't bring myself to go. We still have a cordial relationship but we are not friends.
She had shared with me how she had had some violence in her family etc, therefore I had always empathized with her and tried to forgive her for any behavior I didn't like, or at least to talk it out. I found out that she been in therapy at some point during our friendship (which explains her dealing with jealousy etc) and I have to say her behavior at work has also greatly improved. However, I still keep her at a distance and I am really angry at her for the way she treated me. I just never understood why she treated me this way. While I have had some bullying from some other co-workers, hers is the one that hurts the most right now as I really trusted her and considered her a friend. I am often left wondering if maybe I should have done something better, behaved differently. I find it hard to be angry at her as she also had her own problems in life and even went to therapy to deal with them. Therefore I feel very guilty for being mad at her. I wonder if maybe I was the mean one. If maybe if I were a better person I would have been able to forgive her and had a better relationship with her. But I also have some reserntment when I see her all "happy" and moved on, while I am struggling more than before I had to deal with all these problems at work and start wondering if maybe now I am the "jealous" one. And I remember how she was jealous of me and treated me so badly and wonder if I have therefore become a bad person.
Sorry for the long post, but I have been unable to word this situation until now. It's a small situation, but that really hurts me close to my heart. I feel like I cannot really trust people anymore. But also I don't understand why I can't move on? Do you have any suggestion about how to deal with people who hurt you, but who were also abused themselves? How do you learn to be angry at them and accept it? She has also been to therapy which makes me feel that maybe I am imagining all the behavior she had towards me. I imagine how her therapist probably really liked and comforted her and I wonder if in that story I was the abuser. Am I the abuser? Why do I feel so confused. :(

 

[Teasel]

Reading your post I wonder if you have a belief that if someone has been troubled then they are all good?

Are you trying to fit people into black and white storylines?

 

[mylunareclipse]

yes! precisely. Once I can see that people have been through something I cannot be mad at them. I feel like I need to forgive them and be compassionate. I guess I do this towards my parents as well. And maybe this is where I learned this from.

My therapist says the same about fitting people in to "black and white" storylines, but this is when I use this advice to punish myself even more and tell myself that then I should be able to forgive and stop thinking of people in black and white. It's very confusing to me :(

 

[Teasel]

I know that core beliefs get in the way of rational behaviour for me, I guess it does for all of us. But it seems it would be good for you to work on chupping away at this core belief?

For me reading your story, as someone outside of it, there were many instances where your friend behaved badly. Human sure but still badly. If you imagined you had a beloved daughter who made friends with someone just like her, how would you feel?

 

[mylunareclipse]

I guess I would understand if my daughter if my daughter didn't want to be friends with her any longer. Yet it would not make the other person bad. How do you accept that someone's behavior was bad or abusive, without considering that person bad? I find this difficult to come to terms with. My brain just doesn't grasp it. Whenever, I try all I do is hurt myself more by telling myself that I should be better than this. I should be more understanding than this. Bleh. It sucks. I wish I could find another way to frame or think about this. Thank you for your help and responses!

 

[Teasel]

I don't think I have thought of how to acknowledge a persons behaviour as bad without defining them as bad. Though for sure I recognise it is something I have tended to sometimes.

I recognise that beginning to be able to forgive myself for not being perfect increasingly helps me be able to forgive others for not being perfect.

You accomplish this the same way you accomplush anything, one very small step at a time :)

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thats a good idea. Perhaps focus on first forgiving myself for being however I am might be a first good step without focusing on others in the beginning. Thank you!

 

[ladee]

what comes to mind is the difference between shame and toxic shame....
Shame by itself can be a healthy thing, it says we have done something we need to correct or work on if it hurts us or others..
Toxic shame, on the other hand says I am a bad person, not that I have taken an action that can be corrected....

Shame, I have done something that needs to be corrected
Toxic shame, I am a bad person that has done something that can't to be corrected.

And yes, you have every right to be hurt and angry... but how much of that is how you feel about yourself for allowing her to continue her behavior without setting boundaries... you mentioned it is the same way with your parents.. just a suggestion... if it doesn't apply, ignore...

 

[Supervixn]

I'm sorry that happened.

I think you didn't have a good grasp on boundaries with this coworker. Certain kinds of people pick up on those lack of boundaries and abuse it. Sometimes those people just operate that way automatically, without any bad intent... just living out their issues on whoever will do the dance with them.

She showed her worst side, which was about HER (!) and NOT YOU (!! Seriously not you!). You took it personally, as anyone would. You eventually learned to set some boundaries... that didn't jive with her (unless you were sending apology e-mails afterward).

You didn't abuse her. Nothing that happened warranted her bullying behavior toward you.

Even her past doesn't excuse it-- it only *explains* it.

And all you have to concern yourself with is the fact that it is NOT your problem unless you make it your problem. You're doing great at work, your boss recognizes you, and haters and gonna hate.

If shes acting like shes over it than I would consider it a blessing and keep my distance. She wanted to bring you down so don't let her. Yeah your feelings are hurt, but you can't give her that satisfaction.

Let it go before it consumes you further. You aren't to blame for her misfortune. Don't let her bring you down after all of your success!

 

[EveHarrington]

Sorry to be blunt, but she sounds like a catty bitch, a fair weathered friend.

Some females are just this way. It's about them and their insecurities.

Don't take on their baggage.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you for your responses. Maybe I am moving towards healing. Most days I can validate myself and see how I was hurt, but there's other days when I keep wondering "what did I do wrong"... I also feel like a bad person as now I feel like the rejecting one, the one giving silent treatment or something for not wanting to be her friend anymore.... it's so confusing...

 

[Teasel]

I know what you mean. I really do struggle with this sort of thing too. Especially when I feel insecure. X