Confused And Frightened Of New Symptoms

[macca]

Hi everyone - I'm new to the forum. This is my first post. I'm still coming to terms with having PTSD, as I've had flashbacks all my life and just didn't know what to make of them, so I tried to pretend they didn't happen. I've found myself doing something different after telling my therapist some stuff that I've never told a soul, and I'm having a very strong reaction to it that is confusing for me.

Without going into it too much, I think I may have been sexually abused as a 3 year old, but I don't remember it. I have lots of flashbacks suggestive of something happening, and my mother always said I changed "overnight" as a 3 year old, plus very out there trauma type play (that I kept secret). My family has never thought (to my knowledge) that anything like this could have happened to me. I told my therapist things recently that I have never told anyone, and thought I would take to my grave, and I've reacted dreadfully to it. I don't even feel able to tell you guys this stuff yet. I've had very bad flashbacks and more of them, massive hyperarousal, my whole body shaking hard at times, and I've had some bad impulsive suicidal stuff (I don't intend to act on it) and very bad depression after the hyperarousal stuff eases.

The thing that is driving me really crazy is - I've suddenly started trying to strangle myself with my own hands if I get overwhelmed, and after I do it I become either very depressed or badly frightened. I've never made such gestures before, and I feel like I've completely lost the plot. I didn't even recognise myself in the mirror soon after telling my therapist, and it was terrifying. I'm so confused, and was wondering if anyone else out there had ever experienced something like this?

Just to know I'm not alone, and not crazy would be nice. At least I hope so.

Thanks!

 

[digger]

Hey Macca,
Sorry you're having such a tough time of it at the moment.

I've suddenly started trying to strangle myself with my own hands if I get overwhelmed, and after I do it I become either very depressed or badly frightened.

I don't have exactly the same response as this, but I do sometimes experience compulsive behaviour when I'm extremely stressed/overwhelmed etc that I am not completely in control of. Like if my counsellor asks something that I really wasn't expecting her too or touches on something that I just can't handle thinking about, I sometimes find myself going to hit my head with the heel of my hand (which incidentally is something I did as a young child, but don't consciously do now) but when I do it I have no control over it or awareness that I'm going to do it until my hand is nearly at my head.

I think it is just a symptom of being in severe distress and unconsciously acting on it. Is it something that you've spoken to your therapist about?

 

[macca]

Thank you for your reply. I haven't spoken to her yet, since the strangling thing is since I saw her last, but I plan to talk to her soon - I see her next week. I am relieved to hear I am not the only one who does this kind of thing, though it's awful at the same time that it's happening to others...

 

[naturebaby_85]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[nomedic1]

Welcome hope we can help

 

[arfie]

You are most definitely not alone. Crazy? That is a bigger subject and far more subjunctive. Seems like the further I get into my recovery, the less that word means to me.

When I read of your newly emerged choking symptom, my mind filled with my own reaction to letting the repressed memories surface. I believe I have regained most of my memory function (it is hard to know what you have forgotten), but my old repression habits still rise to choke off memories. Old habits die hard.

Small steps make the surest healing. You took a great step with this post. Rest with it a spell.

Welcome to the forum. May you find healing companionship here.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Welcome to the forum, I'm sorry that yourregistration comes at such a bad time for you but hopefully this forum will be useful and helpful in aiding you through your problems alongside your therapy and any other forms of help you may be in receipt of.

I don't even feel able to tell you guys this stuff yet.

I know this is hardly the biggest issue for you right now, you'll share/tell if, as and when you feel ready to, you don't need to share straight up. I've been here a while now and still haven't shared more than a sentence here or there about some of my trauma and haven't shared the most of it. I don't know that I certainly will, but hope that one day I feel more comfortable and get past that but it's not too much of an issue for me and shouldn't really be for you either, so don't worry. :)

I didn't even recognise myself in the mirror soon after telling my therapist, and it was terrifying. I'm so confused, and was wondering if anyone else out there had ever experienced something like this?

I do all the time (no exaggeration) and that sounds very dissociative to me, derealisation and depersonalisation are types of dissociation which make you feel disconnected from your self, the world around you and reality. This differs from a hallucination, because you know something is wrong, and I think that knowing it's wrong can make it even more terrifying.

The thing that is driving me really crazy is - I've suddenly started trying to strangle myself with my own hands if I get overwhelmed?

Have you though if this could be a form of self-harm, or punishment. Self harm doesn't have to be cutting, it can be burning, overdosing, head-hitting, hair pulling, punching walls or other objects, excessive nail biting, eating disorders and substance abuse. Many who self harm do so when over-whelmed and often find it distressing before, during and/or afterwards.

Any way, for now good luck. I hope you feel at ease with this soon.

 

[Jane.l]

Hi I am new too but I can relate to what you are saying . If I let my therapist in and tell him things I have never told anyone it can really effect me. Sucidial thoughts, self harm - really dark and low.

I think it comes from the vulnerability of trusting someone and that can feel very scary. Also I find feeling emotions at all weird they really throw me. shame and guilt issues are often brought up with revealing more of your story and I find it harder to fight the self harm when I am feeling this way.

Wishing you well

 

[macca]

Hey everybody, thank you so much for your replies. Posting that was so hard, and I guess I was fearful of the response, and of my own responses. Your answers have meant so much to me. Thank you for your compassion, and your time. I don't feel so alone as I did - and that is huge for me.

 

[Abstract]

Welcome Macca and well done for having the courage to post.

I too have many times I don't recognise myself in the mirror and like Kas I see that as dissociation.

On the strangling front: I have not done that exactly but will share slightly related things in case it helps you feel better. The one has happened when I was convinced I was"fine" again and all I needed to do was forget everything and therapy and get on with living. Essentially I found myself self harming with cutting whilst saying repeatedly, "I am fine". :confused:Very disturbing I have to say as I am normally very rational.

The second happened after I did my one and only instance of trauma work. Essentially I "looked" behind the steel walls in my mind blocking off my experiences just for a few moments and told my T one or two things. After that I had these intense overpowering urges to hit my neck really hard. With a karate chop. I started having graphic visual intrusions of it so often that I could barely concentrate on anything else. I became obsessed with my throat. I still don't know what that was about. If it was just an expression of overwhelm or something else.

I am sorry you experienced trauma. All little children should be safe to grow up in peace.

 

[digger]

I've suddenly started trying to strangle myself with my own hands

I became obsessed with my throat.

I wonder if it is maybe some kind of expression of cutting off your words? My counsellor pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago that she had noticed I was increasingly covering my mouth with my hands like I was physically preventing myself from saying anything. I was completely unaware of it till she pointed out. Not just hands near my mouth, properly covering it.

When we do not speak for so long and are so uncomfortable speaking it is perhaps not surprising that we maybe act out ways in which speaking my be prevented sometimes?

 

[Abstract]

I have considered that actually Digger and would probably fit for me. Especially since I seem to be at battle with myself to the extent I am when it comes to this stuff.