Confused And Hurting

[Napu]

I don't know what I'm hoping by posting this, perhaps it's just a vent and because it hurts right now and I have no-one else that I can talk to about this.

I'm female, I have a close female friend. We talk every day, I think we have a really honest, respectful and supportive relationship. Because of this I told her when I realised I was finding her physically attractive, knowing she doesn't feel the same. Thankfully it wasn't a big deal and hasn't been, although seeing her at times is, kind of painful, and I keep my thoughts on a tight leash.

We're both married and have some difficulty with intimacy at home with H'. I'm aware that things have got better for her in this area but the emotions that go with this are so difficult and confused.

On one hand, I'm hugely pleased for her, and for her H, I really am. She deserves to be happy and they need to be happy together. And proud of her, for being able to go down that road. But then, there's the reminder that it's different for me at home, something I don't have and am unlikely to have. And that I would love to be able to be close to her, touch her and bring her pleasure, which is also not going to happen.

Having these other feelings makes me feel, mean spirited, that I can't just be happy for her and ok with it. Rough, because its not something that I should be thinking about at all, not something that should be anything to do with me, or bothering me. I'm honest enough to say that I'm a little bit jealous.

I just wish the complicated stuff and hurt would go away.

 

[Mimoj]

Awwwwww. I've had a situation like that. Bisexuality can suck, lol, as of course does unrequited love. I hope you'll find something else to replace what you're looking for from her, and that in the meantime, you'll find other pleasures and solace.

 

[Pezup]

I felt stunted because I questioned my sexuality long into my 30s. I felt stupid because I felt like I should have had that all worked out by that time.

Do you think you might be a lesbian? Wondering because you mentioned problems with intimacy with your husband. Do you think you might not be bisexual but gay?

If not could you put the energy behind your feelings for this person into your current relationship? I just think sometimes chasing the dreams we attach to other people is foolish because it is just a dream. And people and relationships in day to day life are all not dreams but reality. And chasing dreams can cause you to miss or neglect your reality.

Perhaps if you are bisexual but you never get to explore the potential of a same sex before you settled down it's always going to be something you want to explore?

 

[Voduv]

Thanks for the replies. Most of the time I don't want more than we already have. I have no inclination to leave my H or secret hope that she will hers.

I know what you mean about putting energy where it should be. It's something I've been guilty of in the past and, yes, can be very destructive. As to being straight,gay, or bi - no idea. The issue at home is my Hs lack of interest while claiming there's nothing wrong. The women I've been attracted to have always been ones I've been emotionally close to. Perhaps I just confuse sex and love.

It's so difficult to talk about.

 

[Depevo]

I think when someone truly cares and pays attention to you, often times that feels so intimate and secure that you find yourself seeking the physical side to that security as well. I don't think it means you are bi, gay, or anything except lonely and in need of some loving attention. Nothing wrong with that but given you are married, I would say that you should start by trying to work on that relationship. If it doesn't work, you need to make a change. You deserve love and happiness! Don't settle for less. I would just hate if you regretted an extra marital affair regardless of sex. I think you respect yourself more than that!