Confused and isolated

[LoveTea]

I keep dipping in and out of depression lately, it seems like I'm more down than up. It makes me feel like I don't have a future. In my intake survey, my T called it "hopelessness", but to me it doesn't quite fit. It just feels like I will be gone in an hour or a day or a week. But, to me that doesn't feel hopeless, it feels more like relief. I've more or less had suicidal ideation for years now, I would never act on it, but I'm terrified to tell anyone.

About 6 months ago, my supervisor at work (who is also a friend) suspected I was suicidal and sent me to the student health center. I knew that if I admitted anything they would admit me to the hospital, which I really can't do (my school has a history of forcing students on medical leave when this happens, which means my parents would find out and I'd basically be forced to go back even though being around them in large part most of my problem).

Now, it just feels like my whole life revolves around PTSD, which is only making the symptoms worse. I know my friends are trying to help me, but it feels like the only time I interact with them is because of some PTSD thing. No one just asks about my day anymore, no one wants to know, and it feels so isolating. I either have the couple friends who know (at least somewhat) and everything revolves around my symptoms or people who know nothing and those conversations seem so empty and meaningless.

 

[Muted]

I keep dipping in and out of depression lately, it seems like I'm more down than up. It makes me feel l...

I understand how isolating PTSD can feel. I also know how hard it is to talk to people especially when things are getting stirred up. Yet, I think we often tend to get wrapped up in our own issues when there is a lot going on in our minds. My t is the only one I feel completely safe with and it has taken a long time to establish the level of trust I have in her and so I talk with her, because she listens to me and understands me. I feel bad that I often forget to ask how she is doing... etc... She doesn't trigger me, she's extremely calm. I can't talk to other people on the same level I can with her.

 

[Muted]

Do you feel depressed? Sometimes I think depression can be difficult to identify.

 

[LoveTea]

I think I'm depressed, but I'm not positive. For me, I don't have trouble getting up for the day or have a lack of interest in things I once used to love. On the other hand, I can feel so alone when I am surrounded by people and when I am overwhelmed I just get numb. Sometimes, it just feels like nothing matters. I guess I do have depression considering the suicidal ideation, I'm not really sure is they can exist independently of one another. With my background, having depression was seen as some sort of lack of character, something to be ashamed of, and never openly discussed. Now, I know what to say in order to not be classified as depressed, but I am honestly just really confused. As much as I have trouble talking about my PTSD too, in a weird way I am almost more "ok" at least in the diagnosis (I don't quite know how to explain it because I hate that I have this). I think it is because in my mind, there is more of a recognition of this happening as a result of what was done to me. I know intellectually that depression is a super common symptom/side effect of PTSD, but for some reason I'm still very uncomfortable with the idea of being depressed, which makes it very hard to talk about.

I'm still relatively new with my T. I think I like her, mostly due to the fact that she is actually qualified to deal with my issues and in the past I have talked to a few social workers (who worked as therapists), but they were really not equipped to handle me. I have a lot of trust and abandonment issues though. Plus, she has discussed mandatory reporting with me and mentioned having to call the police for various situations. I do like that she is upfront about these things, but it also terrifies me that something I say will get reported or I will get involentarily hospitalized if I say the "wrong" thing.

 

[Muted]

I can understand those fears. Sometimes I'm afraid of my t dying or being harmed in some way etc... As far as reporting things, if you have a good t who understands you and you have developed trust and you can communicate with her then I don't think she would report you unless she felt you were a serious danger to yourself.

Most successful therapists have a good understanding of depression and if they've worked through their own stuff they understand the process and that it's normal to feel that way sometimes.

I think it's worse if people can't be honest about how they feel, because they're afraid of being admitted into the psych ward. I think that makes people afraid to speak up and deal with how they are feeling. No one wants to be labeled and be stripped of their freedoms, it only increases the shame in trying to get help and facing how you feel. In order to talk about that stuff there has to be a tremendous amount of trust between you.

 

[LoveTea]

Intellectually, I understand that my T will try to do what is best for me. But, since I have also dealt with 3 underqualified T's who wanted to commit me before it was necessary (mostly because they didn't know what to do with me). There have just been so many people in my life who were supposed to be looking out for my best intersts, but when it came down to it they protected themselves first. I think right now, a lot of my fear stems from not wanting my family to find out, which my T is aware of. I am still financially dependent on them, and my mother has full access to my bank account and my SSN (and has no qualms about using them in my name), she has signed documents in my name (including HIPPA forms giving her access to my medical records) amoung many other things. Since she does all this when she thinks we "get along" I am terrified about what she would do if she found out.

 

[Muted]

If she found out about your suicidal thoughts? Truly, unless your Mom has worked through her own stuff then maybe she doesn't need access to info she can't understand. I trust my own t more than I do my own mother, because my mother isn't in a healthy state and she triggers me a lot and she doesn't have the outside perspective because of her own issues. My Mom is the same way about 'let's just all get along'. It makes me mad! Maybe if she dealt with stuff, and had a backbone people would get along. Stuff doesn't go away just because someone closes their eyes. Plus to manipulate you financially is bs in my opinion.

I've been to countless t's and I had sworn off counseling for good. I gave it one last try and am grateful that I did, because none of them could ever compare to my t.

I hope you have a t who hears you, because they are a blessing.

 

[LoveTea]

my family doesn't even know about my PTSD since in most part they are the ones who caused it. My mother is pretty narsisstic, controlling, and manipulative and it is only escalating. I have to sneak money out of my bank account in order to pay my T, and I know that if I piss off/offend or whatever to my mother, she could easily take all my money and I'd be forced to live with her or be homeless. I think my T is very good, and she will even back track to correct herself every once in a while (which is oddly comforting). But, I have a lot of trust issues. I find it easier to talk about what is going on around me than what is going on in my head. She of course notices that and tries to get me to think about how those things are affecting me. I'm just perpetually convinced that the rug will be ripped out from under me, something always happens to destablize my life and right now the most tangible thing on that front is being commited involentarily. I'm not even personally opposed to it if I genuinely need it (although I know it would suck), but the fallout is too detrimental. So my brain is convinced that if I mention anything with suicide, the worst will happen. I'm pretty sure she knows I'm lying to some extent, since she asked if I've ever thought about suicide and I said no. Which after having PTSD for about 8 years is probably nearly impossible.

 

[Muted]

It's not always easy, but I think the more honest you can be with your t the better. It helps her understand and help you.