Confused

[glasgow]

Hello Perth girl and welcome to the forum! Numbness is actually one of the symptoms of PTSD so it's no wonder you can't describe your feelings. It would be considered perfectly normal by your therapist if you wrote stuff down and then took it along to your next session. It's a good starting point for your therapist too because they can get some idea of what is bothering you most. I think we have all been in your position, but it gets easier with time, being aware of your triggers, and getting to know the 'you' who has been exposed to trauma. I can remember having 10 notebooks laying around so I could just jot down whatever came into my head, and I would read them to my therapist who would often pick up a theme, or add some insight.

I think there is a forum on here where people journal, before I found this site (very recently) I journaled anyway, and wrote oceans of poetry - all very private but useful for me. My favourite thing to though do is Art Therapy which requires no art ability at all but it taps into the unconscious at a very primitive level, and whatever comes out is not only meaningful for me, but more importantly it's out. Having a therapist interpret your work is re-assuring and encouraging, and like journaling you can track your progress.

A creative outlet of some description (music, dance, art, writing etc) is a great way to 'talk' about the inexpressible.

Good luck.

Glasgow

 

[Perth girl]

Thanks glasgow.

I have started a journal, and have also sent my therapist some e-mails aswell over the past few weeks. So she is aware that it's hard, but I had a session today and she says it's more helpful if I can talk in session.

I'm not comfortable reading my journal out loud, but I'm happy for her to read it, and she has done a couple of times, but I'm finding the exposure therapy that we're currently doing, going over the actual event really hard.
I don't really know what I'm feeling at the time of the event, and trying to put it into words is even harder...
She asks me questions, and I don't know the answers... my main sayings are " I don't know and maybe"

We've worked out that at times I dissociate whilst I am in session both whilst doing the exposure therapy and also just in general.

She finds it hard to work out how I'm actually doing because of the front I've learnt for so long to put on, yet what I'm saying is the complete opposite. I look like I'm coping but inside I'm really not...

I am constantly trying to push myself,and put myself in uncomfortable situations to try and desensitise myself to make the healing process quicker despite how hard it is, and as a result she thinks I am coping a lot better. But she doesn't understand that I'm only doing it because I can't stand the feelings I'm having... that I just want to feel normal again... I want the anxiety and tears to stop... I want to have a good nights sleep... I have explained all of this to her via e-mail but because I look composed in session she thinks that I am doing a lot better than I am...

I just want to crawl under a rock, and when I come out hope that this is all over...

 

[glasgow]

Hi Perth girl, I might join you under the rock, just to keep you company;) It's fabulous that you have taken the steps that you have to try and communicate the 'un-sayable', and it is un-sayable, because it's outside of our frame of reference.

Some of that may be about developing the high level of trust required before you can disclose, it took me a good year with my first T who turned out to be a shark anyway and I had to start all over again. He really re-traumatized me. I'm in my third year with my current T and feel safe enough to disclose nowadays.

I hope you don't mind my saying but I seriously seriously doubt your T thinks you are all composed and in control, especially if she is a trauma counselor and you are communicating with her through other means and being honest about your feelings. It's also possible that depression is linked to your crying and anxiety. One of the issues for me during this journey has been the development of a Major Depressive Disorder, and quite frankly I wouldn't survive without the medications. I have tried numerous different types, and am currently re-trying previous one that stopped working for no reason. Working so far - fingers crossed, I can at least shower now! Sleeping is also an issue for me and I average 3-4 hrs per night. But it has improved, I can turn the light off now, and don't have to put the cupboard against the door, but I leave the TV on all night...

My friend who also has PTSD can't turn the light off yet, and suffers migraines from lack of sleep. It can be a bit of a fine balancing act but rest assured that things will improve, just maybe not at the rate you would like them to. Even when you read the stories on this site you can see that people are at different stages of recovery, but recovery is the operant word, it will never be the same, but it will get better.

Glasgow

 

[Perth girl]

Thanks Glasgow, thats so nice, you're more than welcome to join!

My T doesn't think I'm fine, she realises some of the stuff I'm going through but doesn't realise the extent of it... I think she thinks that I exaggerate things when I write it down because I appear so strong and composed most times, and I'm constantly putting myself in difficult situations to try and overcome it...

I have always been a strong willed person, and like to be in control, which I think is a reason I am struggling so much, because I have no control over my feelings, and no-one around me understands what I'm going through... The few people I've spoken to have basically told me to get over it, or change my environment, which is even more frustrating... because I would like to just flick the switch, and "get over it" if only it was that easy...

I have low-level depression which doesn't help with the PTSD, but the anxiety has only begun since the trauma.

My PTSD isn't as severe as what you have described above, I have problems sleeping due to nightmares and flashbacks, but I don't lock myself in my room...

Thanks for listening

 

[Lil Red Robin Hood]

Welcome Perth girl

I've had trouble putting on a mask with Ts in the past...possibly with my current T as well as she is fairly new to me. With me, I've just had to give it time until I'm able to express myself more. I do try to tell them what is going on, and sometimes that helps. Hopefully over time you will be able to show your T what is going on; however, a lot of times it seems that trauma Ts understand when I come in composed that I am really hiding. Maybe I'm just not as good of a hider, but maybe your T does understand.

I hope that the forums help you to heal! This site has been helpful to me as I do have a hard time expressing myself when I'm in person with my T. Writing things down helps out a lot.

Robin