Relationship Confused

[Devoted]

My husband recently opened up to me that he has felt detached from me for 2 years. Really it's been more like 4, I've felt it since he came back from his first deployment to Iraq. He said he thinks we should do marriage counseling, but as soon as I started looking into it and trying to talk to him about our relationship he pushed me away even more.

He's being brutally honest now, saying that he's wanted to cheat on me before but never has, and feels like he's given up on our relationship.

He has PTSD but he rarely admits it and he thinks that since it's not an extreme case he doesn't deserve/need treatment. He really needs treatment.

He'll tell me all of these things that hurt so bad to hear, but then half an hour later he'll see that I'm sad and he'll hug me. Or he'll wake up in the morning and cuddle me in bed. I just don't get it! One minute he's telling me he has no hope for us, that he sees no point in trying, but then the next minute he's showing me love and almost acting as if nothing happened. This will go on until I bring up our relationship again and then the cycle starts all over.

He's been depressed the last couple months, but he doesn't see that either. We've been together for almost 10 years, since we were in high school. We've been married for 5 years. I'm not just going to give up on him. I haven't pressured him into treatment all of this time, just tried to be here to support him--but now I feel like 4 years of resentment has bubbled up within him and he's blaming ALL of his feelings on our relationship.

He said he feels numb and he's angry all the time, he's been like that since he came home from Iraq deployment #1. Now when I try to talk to him about us, or something serious he laughs in my face and doesn't take anything seriously. I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused.

Has anyone else dealt with this extreme back and forth?? He's so in denial and I don't know how to get him the help he needs!

 

[celia]

I have been through this. I'm still going through it and it is really hard. I have regular anxiety attacks everyday at about noon. I've been so dedicated to my boyfriend and he has cut off all communication with me. He has told me unbearably hurtful things, this last time it was so bad that he didn't contact me from the first day of deployment. He's always worried I will cheat on him, then I'm thinking the worst that he is cheating on me. I am in the dark and have had no resolution for 3 months.

I know I am so deserving of a healthy relationship but I can't seem to move on , and I'm always holding out for hope that at the very least I will get an apology or closure.

When they say they want to cheat? Who the heck with? I doubt that all these women are dying to have him and are not going to see their depression, PTSD, etc. Its not that easy unless they go to a certain type of women....I know they are good at hiding it...but....not for long.

Sorry...its a tough road and I'm really upset.

 

[Devoted]

If your boyfriend is deployed I'm sure his emotional walls are even more built up at this point. Everything in my marriage changed when my husband deployed. He came back a different person. I've already mourned the loss of the man I married and accepted that things will never be the same; but things can be good! I've seen him come and go emotionally for 4 years now, and things have never been this bad.

During deployments I think most of them detach from their loved ones because they think it will make it easier if they do get that "dear John" letter...then they don't have to care. It's just that when they come home it's like they've forgotten how much they loved us when they left. They've expected us to cheat on them for 7 months and even if we haven't they still feel like we have. It's such a hard situation to be in.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through it while he's deployed, being even more out of control of the situation since you have to depend on him calling you. All I would do is write letters to him every day. Just talk about what happened in your day and tell him that you love him, try to leave the difficult parts of your relationship out. Maybe if he sees that you're taking time to write every day and that you love him and are giving him a little space as far as not talking about the problems, he will open up to you more.

 

[celia]

Thank you CT, For taking the time to lend a sympathetic ear and advice. He's in transit home now. He will be landing in 2 days and I only know this from other sources. He has not contacted me to tell me. Usually we would be so excited about meeting at the airport and running to each others arms.

It pains me to think of him arriving at the airport alone without me waiting there to smile at him, hug him, comfort him, and welcome him home.

I know what you mean about how they come in and out of their emotions. Whenever he would isolate from me before, once we met face to face again, he realized how much he loved and missed me. It certainly is part of their training to turn off their hearts like faucets. Something that is truly foreign to me.

I am praying that he comes home and reboots his heart. I am praying that he is able to see that I'm the most dedicated and loyal woman that is on his side. I am absolutely sure no one has loved him like I do.
I am praying that God has heard my prayers for the last 105 days!

I thank God for this forum and people like you who know exactly what I'm going through.

I send you many prayers and hope for a new beginning with your husband.

Celia