Confusing Partner With Abuser

[Laure]

I've been with my lovely boyfriend for 2 years now. He's my best friend and the one person who has got me through the worst years of my life.

I have diagnoses of cPTSD and clinical depression resulting from 7yrs of sexual & physical abuse by my older brother. I'm 21 now.

Recently I've experienced new sides to my mental health - my memory is failing, I have the same conversation multiple times without realising. My vision is off, my hearing is odd and I hear things I know aren't real. I'm extremely paranoid when left alone but stupidly I've ended up nearly completely isolating myself.

The thing that has completely freaked me at the moment is that I'm having difficulties and episodes of being utterly unable to recognise my boyfriend, and worse, mistaking him - as in full on facial changes - for my abuser. I feel terrible, crazy. He is amazingly understanding but I know it is going to take its toll with time and I can't risk that.

There is no one I can talk to about this. It would hurt my boyfriend so much if he knew I was confusing the two of them. I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot remember the last 3 years of my life or work out where the hell I am.

My skin crawls with the reminder. I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle and my brother will always be there, always with me. I'm crying so hard. And then nothing.

I want my life; I want my boyfriend to be content and not see him crying secretly on occasion because he feels he cannot help me. Last week I had a 2hr episode of total memory loss and was so frightened of him I was vomiting.

I just want to know if this is something 'normal' or if I need to try check myself out. I need the comfort of knowing maybe other people experience feeling like their partners are family after incestual abuse, or this mind fog confusion and memory &recognition issues

I'm sorry, I feel like I'm just pointlessly whingeing here. Just feel at a total loose end and needed to reach out today.

 

[BlueOrange]

You're not alone in having these kinds of issues. If at all possible, get a therapist who understands trauma - trying to fix something like this without help is very difficult, and may lead to further injury.

 

[Poofycat]

If possible it's probably a good idea to see a medical doctor to make sure there isn't a physical cause for these issue. Full blood work is probably a good idea.

But this really sounds like flashbacks and dissociation to me. I've had visual, auditory, and olfactory flashbacks before and they're very strange. It sounds like seeing a trauma therapist would be extremely helpful for you. Dissociation can be very scary to deal with, and talking to someone who can explain what is happening and help you come up with grounding techniques will provide you with some relief.

 

[Bookoffee]

I was going through the same thing for the past year or two. I am just starting to feel like my mind is starting to calm down and come out of that fog. My memory is starting to improve.

I went through a few Hospitalization, support groups, change in meds and I was able.to start accepting life as it.now and how I can work on one thing to change or work on to keep me focused and away from any form of bullying or.violance. I have not watched the news in a long time. I think the last time I read anything in the news was the shooting in Dallas.

I hope you reach out for the help you need.