Confusion With Therapist

[Chosen]

So, I have been seeing my T for over three years now, although not more than 20x/year due to policy as he is a university counselor. He's helped me in hundreds of ways, and I feel that he can continue helping me until I (probably) graduate next year.

But there're these issues going on.

1. In my second or third session, I asked what his policy was on hugs, just so I'd be aware. In that session, he indicated if I was having a particularly rough time, he would give me a hug. However, a few weeks later, when I asked for a hug, he said no, and was surprised at my unhappiness. This has remained a sticky issue between us, because I felt he had broken his word to me on the hug.

2. I crossed boundaries with him in the past in some bad ways, for which I've apologized for and haven't done any of them in nearly 9 months now. He has said he's okay with what happened, but I feel like he hasn't forgiven me and is still upset about it (though he said he wasn't upset).

3. Since the uni has on call counseling, in the past I went in when he was on call to get help with some things that I felt were crisis type...and he felt that in 3 or 4 of them, I wasn't in a 'proper crisis' so he got upset. I haven't utilized the on call service since last May, but I feel like at times he still treats me like the scared little girl I used to be (and yes, I am female, the name throws people off).

4. In our most recent session, he told me of several things I've done recently that made him "recoil" and think he would have to review the boundaries with me. The things I did recently involved my social awkwardness and then his misunderstanding about something.

5. I sent him a very long e-mail about all this in which I stated that I felt his so-called objectivity wasn't objective anymore because I felt like he was holding on to the things I used to do. I also said that I just didn't understand how to deal with this relationship between us in which he's supposed to be objective, and I'm just supposed to get his wisdom and etc from him. To me that just seems like I'm dehumanizing him by not acknowledging that I can hurt his feelings and stuff. (This is probably confusing, let me know if I need to clarify things).

So I guess in general my question is...what the heck is a therapy relationship anyway? I feel like I'm totally confused and I don't know what's going on anymore, as to if maybe I've been treating him not like a T and I need to distance myself more, or if he's lost his objectivity, or what. I really don't know. All I know is that he helps me immensely, and I want to continue with him, and I want to treat him well, but I'm also tired of being so darn afraid of the things I say and do for fear of his reaction (which I don't think is fully accurate, but given his frustration with me in the past, I do think I am right to fear his response at times.) Frankly, I guess because he broke his word with me in the beginning, I constantly fear him breaking his word with me again...and I wonder how much I can really trust him with my feelings.

GAH. CONFUSING!

 

[Sally sue]

Omgosh! This sounds really difficult and heart breaking. :(

Honestly, I'm not sure how to advise you, other than trying to have him explain carefully his rules, in person, with you able to ask for clarification, and then decide if you can work with him and those rules.

Maybe somebody else will have better advice. I would totally freak if my T got mad at me, and honestly, I ask her all the time if she's mad at me...trust issues.

Hang in there,
Sally Sue

 

[Tswevnz]

Sounds unhealthy for both of yous.

Perhaps time to move on and start fresh? I mean you started therapy to address problems, instead your biggest problem now seems to be triggered by the one thing that's suppose to be helping.

 

[Jane.l]

It is confusing ! I spend half my therapy trying to sort out the relationship issues we seem to run into constantly !

My issues are mostly that I feel he is way too inconsistent and he doesn't always do what he says he will - I don't cope well with this.

I think Sally sue is right you need a conversation about rules - for you and for him and reset the boundaries with clear lines so you know where you stand.

 

[joeylittle]

I feel like I'm totally confused and I don't know what's going on anymore, as to if maybe I've been treating him not like a T and I need to distance myself more, or if he's lost his objectivity, or what. I really don't know. All I know is that he helps me immensely, and I want to continue with him, and I want to treat him well, but I'm also tired of being so darn afraid of the things I say and do...

I think that you should consider changing therapists. As much as you think he might be stuck in seeing an old version of you, the "old you", you may well be stuck in remembering the "old you" every time you see him. The hug incident was in your 2nd or 3rd session, and you've been seeing him for over three years - yet you are still clearly affected by it.

Ultimately, it is a client/provider relationship. Its a strange, intimate, often challenging, very unique relationship - but they are providing a clinical service and you are the client. When you start getting into too many emotional responses that you (and they) are unable to air and diffuse, the relationship becomes (in my opinion) too interpersonal to be effective.

You might try broaching this all in a letter. These are complicated thoughts, and you want to express them clearly; he should as well have the space to process them clearly (since it sounds like he is having trouble maintaining clinical boundaries and neutrality as well). But in that letter I think you should allow for the very real possibility that you may need to move on to another therapist for the phase of your life you are in now, and ask whether he observes that as well, or whether there is a useful opportunity here to process old anxieties and emotions.

The first time I had trouble with a therapist, I finally worked up the courage and told her I couldn't see her anymore - after about 20 sessions. She told me I couldn't quit, because I wasn't stable enough. The fact was, I was more upset in her office than my own life - and I was pretty upset in my own life. But when she told me that, I did not think I had a choice. So I kept coming. And did last minute cancellations. And eventually called and left a message saying I wasn't coming back. And was stuck with a gigantic bill that it took me a long time to pay off (insurance didn't cover her). It was all because I was intimidated by her, and way too caught up in my feelings about her. She HAD helped me, in the first handful of sessions, but then, no more.

I'm just sharing - it's not the same as your situation, but in micro it's kind of similar. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very very rough. What do you think about moving on to a new T? Is that a possibility for you, logistically?

 

[Lucycat]

he indicated if I was having a particularly rough time, he would give me a hug. However, a few weeks later, when I asked for a hug, he said no,

My interpretation is that he would give you a hug if you need it - not on demand. There is a subtle difference that perhaps you missed and was not clarified.

Don't chuck out the baby with the bath water. Ask your therapist. Discuss with him and then decide. A discussion with him is much more valid than the opinions on here - because he is the only one who knows if he is 'upset' by you. You are trying to read his mind.

 

[Hashi]

It's impossible to know from the outside what's going on. Sometimes we project "being upset" onto a therapist and we read too much into things. I'm always wary if someone says their therapist says something's OK but they know/think/feel it isn't really. So I have to say it's a possibility that it's your "client stuff" rather than his stuff, although I can't know whether that's the case or not. From what you say, it sounds like he really isn't being very professional or objective. Did he actually say "recoil"?

I don't know what you mean about you having crossed boundaries in the past, and that also makes it hard to tell what sort of dynamic there is.

On the basis that your perception of this is accurate:

What sort of training does he have, as a university counsellor? It may be very little. You really need to see a trained and experienced specialist, for trauma. Therapy relationship stuff is always going to come up, but there should be a fundamentally strong relationship and the therapist shouldn't be bringing their feelings and reactions to you, they should be taking them to their supervisor.

I know you say he's helped you, but I can't see how he can continue to help you if things are like this. It's a distraction, and having a negative impact, and taking your energy that you could be putting into things. If you're going to work on feelings, then I'd suggest you work on your own feelings and not your therapist's.

If there's some transference, projection, attachment issues and other natural "client stuff" on your part, then I'd still wonder how well equipped a university counsellor is to handle it. If he isn't, then instead of becoming part of the therapeutic process, it simply makes therapy dissolve into "he said/she said" stuff that doesn't benefit anyone.

Saying that the two of you will have to review boundaries seems inexperienced to me - a therapist should be managing boundaries all the time, and handling things as they happen. They shouldn't let things get out of hand, keep happening, slip into problems, and then try to get things back on track later.

I have to wonder whether he's the best person for you to see.

 

[Chosen]

joeylittle, as far as moving on to a new T, I don't think that's possible for me financially or logistically. I could probably see another counselor at the uni, but that'd just be too hard to go there and not see him, ya know? I don't know if it's the proper time to see a new T at this point. I definitely need to talk this out with him next time we meet in a few weeks.

Hashi, yes, he did actually say "recoil." He has a PhD, has worked as a psychologist for over 20 years, and I don't think he got any specific "trauma" counseling, but I don't know for sure on that.

I guess it all ultimately depends on our next discussion...I'll have to take the leap of faith and see if it goes alright, and if it doesn't, then I'll have to consider my options for moving forward. Regardless, in May 2015, we'll have to end anyway when I graduate.

 

[Chosen]

Gah, this is so frustrating. Last night I had horrible nightmares, so today I called and asked that he call me back. He did so, and we talked for less than 5 minutes, and I felt it was helpful to me, but I also felt his irritation for me calling him. I really don't know if I'm reading into his responses or if he really is just sick of me...I have 1 week until I see him next. This is getting so, so old. Either we work through this or it's over. I can't keep doing this again and again.

 

[Jane.l]

Did he reply to your email when you expressed concerns over your relationship and his objectiveness ?

 

[joeylittle]

Honestly, @Noah , when I read this:

I could probably see another counselor at the uni, but that'd just be too hard to go there and not see him, ya know?... I guess it all ultimately depends on our next discussion...I'll have to take the leap of faith and see if it goes alright, and if it doesn't, then I'll have to consider my options for moving forward.

Which sounds more like an actual relationship going through stress, not a client-provider or therapeutic situation (where things should not depend on your next discussion going alright and leaps of faith, in my opinion) - and then I read this:

I really don't know if I'm reading into his responses or if he really is just sick of me...I have 1 week until I see him next. This is getting so, so old. Either we work through this or it's over. I can't keep doing this again and again.

I added the bold for emphasis. Doesn't this sound like dating to you? I'm not saying you are actually having a physically inappropriate relationship, but you are having a very intense emotional relationship that you are perceiving as an equal or mutual situation. Your thoughts about your therapist shouldn't be this fraught. I don't think it's healthy for it to be about "us" working it through. He should be supporting YOU as you work through YOUR issues.

Seriously. You can see a different T at the Uni. Why not just try, even a few sessions? It's not like he is a specialist, as you said. The challenging part, starting over, may actually become the greatest benefit - getting to express who you are now in a new situation with someone baggage-free.

I'm sorry this is a strongly worded post. I'm not trying to make you feel badly, just am seeing these patterns in your language that I think you might not be noticing. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business.

 

[Chosen]

no, he didn't reply to my e-mail. He usually doesn't.