Consensual Sex

[nicoleanne06]

I apparently have a hard time with consensual sex. I was forcefully raped at 17 and had controlling/manipulative rapes with my son's father at 21. Since the first rape, I had a very rough time ever saying no whether it be from the very beginning not wanting to have sex period or during by not wanting to do certain things. I am working through those issues and am having an easier time voicing during. The biggest thing that I cannot figure out how to "fix" is the fact that most of the time I am not "present" during sex. I trained myself that sex is strictly for the man's pleasure so I never even focus on trying to relax to allow myself to enjoy. In fact it is very rare for me to be able to finish during any kind of sexual act with a man. It is almost like I can't allow myself to orgasm and it isn't that I don't have the capability to. I know that this isn't an uncommon thing, especially for females. But I know that because of my background with sexual abuse it doesn't surprise me.

My question is, is it possible to be connected emotionally and physically after that much sexual trauma? If so, how can I allow myself to be present? How can I allow myself to think that it's okay for me to enjoy and be able to finish? I know that this is not how "normal" sex is supposed to be.

 

[Em C.]

I've been raped and harrassed and it's hard but you can enjoy it. For me my body freaks out after but enjoys during

 

[Em C.]

You have to build up to it though.
Try non penetrative until you feel comfortable with it and go from there is my advice

 

[Viosinger]

I still have days where I just can't have sex, but other times I really enjoy it. But like @Em C. said, work up to it. Don't be in a hurry. Work on just physical contact first, almost like you're exploring each other like young adults... Be open to finding out what YOU enjoy (different for everyone).

 

[Em C.]

And it's much easier for me because I am a young adult ;)

But good luck and lots of hugs!

 

[nicoleanne06]

Lol I technically still am a young adult-26. It's strange because I do enjoy it and I do feel good. Then I subconsciously tell myself I'm not allowed to do so! I'm sure the answer would be different if I was in a committed relationship and I didn't have the issues of telling myself that I am a slutty etc. I am trying so hard to combat those thoughts and feelings which I'm sure doesn't help!

 

[Em C.]

I know the feeling. If you want to private message me we can try and talk you through it!
The guilt is common but is not something you deserve!

 

[nicoleanne06]

Thanks Em will message you!

 

[Orglethorp]

I'm also a survivor of multiple rapes, and yes, it is possible to come back from that and enjoy sex.

It has taken me a long time. I've only ever been able to do this with committed partners. When I first started trying it out with my boyfriend at the time, when I was 20, it was very hit-or-miss. He was terrible with foreplay and wasn't overly gentle, so I rarely enjoyed it and I even had panic attacks during sex on occasion. We both learned as time went on, but I still rarely orgasmed at all. (In fact, only when I was on top. Not sure if this is because that put me in control or if it's just because he sucked that much.) He was also not at all sensitive of what I wasn't comfortable with. He would never force me to do anything, but he was also very reluctant to accept no. If I refused one day, he'd ask for the same thing again the next day.

6 years later, with my current boyfriend, things are much different. He's gentle, he knows what I need in terms of foreplay to feel comfortable and "in the mood," and he takes care to notice if I'm showing signs of physical triggers and avoids them. I also trust him completely.

I've told him a lot about my past, and what my PTSD is like now. I feel safe enough to let him be around when I'm having panic attacks or flashbacks. He always seems to know what to say and when/how to hold me to comfort me and get me through those episodes, and he's respectful of what I do and don't want to discuss afterward. I think that's why I'm so comfortable being intimate with him.

It's not all great 100% of the time, of course. There are days when sex just isn't going to happen. He seems to pick up on it those days without much effort from me. I actually think he's turned down my advances more than I've turned down his. (Not many times for either of us, but still.) I've only had to stop during with him once because I became too triggered and panicked once, and I'd already been feeling quite anxious long before we started.

It's taken 6 years between my first attempts back into consensual intimacy and where I am now, though. It takes time, don't rush! You need time to learn to trust yourself and let go of the fear and guilt you have surrounding this. It would probably also help to talk about these things with your partner and/or with a therapist.

 

[nicoleanne06]

Thank you so much for that response! I think a big key in this is being with someone you trust and it not being a casual thing (which I'm trying to force right now). I've never shared details about my rapes and maybe that will help. I have never talked about them with a man at all. They will end up knowing about all the assaults but I never give details other than "these are the 3 things that you cannot do!" This guy I'm with doesn't show any red flags of hurting me or anything but I automatically assume all men will. He's been gentle. He knew from the first time we had sex that I had sexual trauma. He asked me because he saw I wasn't "present" which a man has never noticed before.

I guess I have to allow myself to let men close enough to have a committed relationship in order for me to enjoy intimacy. I believe that making love is possible but have no concept of that and view it strictly as sex.

I so desperately want to allow myself to let my gaurd down with a man- emotionally, sexually, intimately, etc. One day maybe!