Considering Contacting Someone I Cut Off

[mytai]

I don't know what sparked this but I've been considering contacting someone I cut off officially about a year or so ago. For those of you that have read my trauma diary it is the person I refer to as D under the "I Trusted Her" header. For those of you who haven't but are wondering why I might have cut her out of my life here is the link [DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/i-dont-know-the-half-of-it.37810/page-2[/DLMURL]

I cut her off because I felt like she was toxic. I felt liked she might have abused me (need to talk this over with my T I think) - she sold me for weed money and food, emotionally manipulated me, etc. Despite all this I have been considering contacting her recently. I don't really know why. Maybe to ask why. Why did she do it. Why me. I don't know.

Have any of you ever cut someone out of your life and felt the same way? I'm not asking if it was helpful, just asking if you have ever felt like contacting someone you cut off. Did you go through with it?

I'm thinking this is a topic that I need to bring up with my T in our next session before I make any decisions.

 

[catjudo]

Many years ago I cut my parents out of my life. It lasted for about two years. I still had problems, of course, but was able to focus on myself and try to work toward some healing. Unfortunately, by cutting them out of my life it also made it extremely difficult to maintain relationships with other family members...they tried but it was very difficult to keep those relationships while still avoiding any contact with my parents. After about two years, when I was going through a tough time and feeling isolated from all of my family when I could really use their support (grandmother, aunts, etc...not my parents) I saw no other way at the time and resumed contact with my parents. It probably undid any and all progress I had made during those two years away from them. It's been about fifteen years and I've never been able to get them completely out of my life again.

 

[mytai]

@catjudo I guess I'm fortunate in the sense that this person lives 5+ hours away from me, isn't connected to anyone else in my life, and the only forms of contact would be social media sites or email.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes. It did not go well. I thought I was ok, made contact, and then had a bad self injuring episode that landed me in the ER with lingering effects that may last up to a year.

You won't get the answer you want. But all of those feelings you had just before cutting this person off will come flooding back. I think you'll end up kicking yourself for reconnecting. I know I did. I am not going back again.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I reconnected with a toxic friend. I didn't know why I wanted to, but I did. I tried to keep firm boundaries, she ran right over them. She actually said that she didn't care if what she said triggered me, she was going to say it anyway. I disconnected again. No pain. I realized that she was one of my abusers and that I didn't have to be abused anymore, so I am really glad I did it.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hi mytai,

Your post made me quite worried :-) If this person sold you, were toxic etc. please do not contact her! I understand the need for an explaination, but most likely you will not get one. There is no reason with people like that. They are what they are. Toxic and possibly quite dangerous, and her actions towards you had properly nothing at all to do with you. You were just a target. Please be careful.

 

[rightkindofme]

I think that we feel motivated to look these people up because we are used to chaos and being hurt. You won't get satisfactory answers from her. I doubt rekindling the friendship will go well for long.

 

[Rumors]

One of the hardest things in life is realizing you aren't always going to get what you need from other people. In this case, you seek an explanation and are likely to hear excuses. You sometimes have to be content with your own explanation and justifications. Giving this individual a platform is likely going to result in disappointment.

Perhaps you can write a letter of things you would want to say and what you would like to hear and read it to your T? Just a thought. Could save some serious bad feelings!!! Good luck! Sending strength!

 

[digger]

Despite all this I have been considering contacting her recently. I don't really know why. Maybe to ask why. Why did she do it. Why me. I don't know

I think maybe working out the 'why' before doing anything about contacting her would be useful. I would be worried that contacting her without being clear for yourself why you were doing it and what you hoped to get from it could mean you end up being vulnerable to getting drawn into the relationship again in a way that would be damaging to you.

you seek an explanation and are likely to hear excuses

In all honesty, I think this is what will happen. At best you will get excuses rather than an honest explanation, possibly just denial. I don't think you will get what you want from asking, as much as anything because I doubt if she knows herself or is willing to examine her reasons why. If she was then I think she would have come to you with an apology before now.

 

[mytai]

I have no intentions of rekindling any friendship here, I'm not looking to do that at all. I don't want to physically see her again. But I will definitely talk to my T first before I make any decisions about this.

I can see how not knowing what I want to achieve by contacting her would go south really quick. Thanks everyone.

If she was then I think she would have come to you with an apology before now.

I don't think I would ever receive an apology from this person. It's not something I would expect to hear come from her. I don't think she thinks she did anything wrong. I just want to know why. I think that is what I want. But again I will talk to my T about all of this before making a decision. Right now she can't contact me because I have her blocked and I have changed my phone number as well.

 

[digger]

I don't think she thinks she did anything wrong. I just want to know why.

I think unfortunately with people who can't see that they have done anything wrong, it is impossible to ever really get to the bottom of 'why' :unsure:

I have a couple of people in my life like this who for various reasons I can't completely cut out of my life, but I think I've come to a point where I know it is useless looking to them for explanations of their behaviour and have switched instead to looking to myself for ways to deal with how their behaviour effected me regardless of their reasons for it, or lack of reasons. For me that has been empowering in some ways, although I still have a long way to go, as it feels like I have managed to remove myself a step from them by doing that, if that makes sense. Kind of like, actually, I don't need you in any way even for an explanation.

Don't know if that makes sense?

 

[mytai]

Don't know if that makes sense?

It does.