I don't know how to fight my way out of this. I was doing well for a few weeks after the hospital, but then the depression hit, the nightmares came back, and now that i set off a panic attack a few days ago by trying to face down a trigger, i'm back in 24/7 panic and having some really dark moments of not wanting to live. I can't talk myself out of my moods, and all the cogntive behavioral therapy and zen buddhism in the world seems completely incapable of touching me once the panic/depression reaches a certain level. i feel like i'm in hell again. can't sleep, can't eat, can't f*cking think straight. the only thing keeping me going is the hope that this won't last, and the knowledge that if i just wait long enough i usually experience some form of relief. for example at one point i experienced a straight year and a half of depression but i held on and came out of it, at least for a while. the only thing that concerns me is that i was continually improving up until early this year when a series of events plunged me into such nonstop panic and depression that i seem to never fully recover from it, and everything that i had before - optimism, determination, toughmindedness, grit - seems to have evaporated. i feel like i have nothing left, no drive, no will, nothing left to give. im tired and empty and drained and im running on fumes.
I'm considering going back on meds to see if that helps at all, but it feels like such a failure and admission of defeat to have to take that step. like im not strong enough to just take the bull by the horns and beat this f*cking thing. but i'm supposed to be returning to work in a month and i'm nowhere near better and if i don't get a handle on this i'm going to be no further ahead then when i had to start my leave of absence back in november.
plus the fact that the meds only helped for awhile before losing effect, and of course trying to counter that by going on Effexor only ended me up in the hospital on suicide watch. i don't want to put hope in meds because in the long run im beginning to doubt they're the cure. i feel like no matter what i do this depression and panic always returns and each time around i'm less able to cope because i'm so f*cking drained from the last time. i'm running out of ammo in this endless firefight.
Also, I quit seeing a therapist because I worried that continually rehashing my problems would just bring the panic back. Well, that's a moot point now. But now, i just don't see the point. there's nothing the therapist can say that i don't already know. and it's gotten to the point where none of my previous coping techniques is working anymore. it's like once the panic hits and combines with the depression, i lose control of my mind and it just runs off on its own to the darkest, bleakest, most nihilistic, hopeless moods possible and it's like a bad drug trip, there's no coming down off it until it works its way out of my system.
i dont know what to do anymore.
I'm considering going back on meds to see if that helps at all, but it feels like such a failure and admission of defeat to have to take that step. like im not strong enough to just take the bull by the horns and beat this f*cking thing. but i'm supposed to be returning to work in a month and i'm nowhere near better and if i don't get a handle on this i'm going to be no further ahead then when i had to start my leave of absence back in november.
plus the fact that the meds only helped for awhile before losing effect, and of course trying to counter that by going on Effexor only ended me up in the hospital on suicide watch. i don't want to put hope in meds because in the long run im beginning to doubt they're the cure. i feel like no matter what i do this depression and panic always returns and each time around i'm less able to cope because i'm so f*cking drained from the last time. i'm running out of ammo in this endless firefight.
Also, I quit seeing a therapist because I worried that continually rehashing my problems would just bring the panic back. Well, that's a moot point now. But now, i just don't see the point. there's nothing the therapist can say that i don't already know. and it's gotten to the point where none of my previous coping techniques is working anymore. it's like once the panic hits and combines with the depression, i lose control of my mind and it just runs off on its own to the darkest, bleakest, most nihilistic, hopeless moods possible and it's like a bad drug trip, there's no coming down off it until it works its way out of my system.
i dont know what to do anymore.
