Constant worry

[DiamondBug]

I've been in therapy for a year now. My therapist said that now I'm a lot "stronger" than I was and my boyfriend has said this as well. I really don't feel like it. I feel completely overcome with emotion still. I feel like I'm always on the egde of just crumbling. I was honest to him when we had my 1 year review and said I avoid (not purposely) talking about things that bother me, he knows this anyway because we've spoken about it before. I just feel when I start talking about all this stuff that started building 14 years ago I'm going to explode. I need to because I'm not really living I'm just surviving. I just don't know how im going to start this. There's all different crazy things that run through my head like if I tell him all this stuff he'll hurt me or he'll attack me like my attackers did, which I know is absolutely not true. I'm scared when he gives me my review feedback on Friday he'll be mad because I'm not getting better and can't talk. I'm so painfully shy. I can't get out of my head one bad experience I had with a therapist, she told me that if other children were abused by the same people it'd be my fault because I "allowed it to continue", she knew I was 11 with nowhere to turn, I understand what she said is wrong, but that one statement still keeps me up at night, it makes me feel like I'm a monster. I'm scared that'll open up to be slaughtered again. I don't mean to be like this, I wish I could stroll in and talk about stuff as if it's no issue, but I get in there and just freeze, I can't even explain how I feel because I don't know. I don't even think writing it down would help, because I've still got to see it and watch him read it, I need something that'll push me over this massive wall of enormous shame, guilt and agony. I just can not stop worrying, but I can't talk about it. It's like all of my past, feelings and emotions are trapped in my own head and it's getting to bursting point.

 

[chaotic harmony]

I understand these feelings well. I, too, am just surviving at this time. I've also had terribly bad experiences with past therapists. I have been with my T for about 5 months now and working with him has been such a relief. But, I still constantly struggle to tell him things. (I've never worked with a male therapist before and I find a ton of things to be completely embarrassing. Even though I know he's heard it all before.) Something I have found that works is "free writing", and I just let things come out whether they make sense or not, and then I give it to him to read when I'm not there. If I do it on a computer, I give him the flash drive. If it's artwork or just on paper, I put it in an envelope and give him that. He's more than happy to review whatever I give him when I'm not there. It's helped me A LOT knowing that I can do this and not have to look at him while he's reading/viewing these things. Do you think your T would do that? I know it's so hard to even write things down, but sealing it in an envelope or putting it on a flash drive keeps me from obsessively looking at it/worrying about it.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

i am like this, although i have not been therapy long, just a few months but i am always feeling like i made no progress and i keep having things in my mind etc. i do write notes, it helps. however my mind always seems to think of more.

i hope it goes well talking with him about it, even if its just via letter or note.