Constantly triggering environment?

[RainbowSearchParty]

@SeekingAfrica this sounds so hard; I’m sorry.

I don’t know if it feels like this for you, but for me one of the most difficult things about being at my parent’s house is the constant stimulation. Things like the television, clutter, just as you described. I get so overwhelmed because I have so much going on inside that the outside noise just makes everything worse. I second all the options to reduce stimuli. One thing I think of is lines of sight: it can feel more restful to lay on the couch with my head facing the wall/couch back than outwards into the room. Or maybe you can set up a space where you can sit or lie that the immediate things you see are calm and grounding. A privacy screen perhaps?

And also, take every advantage of opportunities to be alone. Relish those moments. Taking a shower. Going on a walk. Sometimes when I’m at my parents I tell them I’m going out for exercise and I end up just walking out of sight of their house and crying somewhere alone, but at least I am alone for that precious hour or so I’m away.

I also think you should remember that privacy and secrecy are not the same thing. It sounds like you need privacy around your mental health and that is okay.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm rereading every post in this thread like a treasure, pulling pieces that may help me.

I suffer the physical lack of people around me, despite being an introvert at heart- but I cherish all my interaction with friends on viber. I cherish advice here too. There are other forums for mental health I tried at the start of my journey. Some felt too negative (concentrated only on venting about trauma and kind of having too many toxic comments). Others were so full of devision of different illnesses that once again, it was mostly about the past. Other once were made by millions od people yet received very little response if you post something.

Here I found not just people that get it, but supportive environment, and practical tips. I need contact in person, but I can't ignore that those 2 types of interraction(in the forum, and with close friends in other countries) feel important too.

I had another interaction with my mom today that from a regular question span into her blaming me for them giving money for my education and the sacrifice they made( while that is valid, guilting me in the middle of my own crisis is not, i feel like she takes every question as a personal attack on her choices). I refused to engaged bringing the conversation back to the original practical question.... but it was enough to start a panic attack and I had to go to another room to calm down.

I think a big issue is that my quiet time is morning lately plus some afternoon, but then my going to sleep with TV on late and with my father watching doesn't let me decide when to go sleep...and I already have a hard time walking before 9 and functioning before 10:30...to have longer time I need to wake at 6 or 7, not sure how. And the issue with the quiet time is that I need quiet time to wrote, work on new jobs, workout, all the things to have privacy for them. I'm at a loss at how to divide time and end up doing less.

I love the Haitian saying of one post.

I also like the idea of bicycle but I was never properly thought go use one nor do I have the means even for second hand one. Back in my city, my best friend was using the summer to teach me but I still need supervised practice.

All the other advice hit close to home. I tend to be the person that needs social stuff but if I have few events in a row it drains me m every sound and color get amped up to 11 and I need quiet time to process impressions, not sure how crazy that sounded. So I need both privacy and quiet time without distractions. If that made sense.

It's like there is this "how much more I can take of this" meter inside me, and with some work it recess, but now it's hitting dangerously close to red again.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I need to review every advice on here because my situation just doubled down. Cold days are starting, so my mom started joining in my current "bedroom" - the living room, as it's the warmest room in the house.
Fall is starting and I have limited fall clothes.
My mom is starting her side job as a teacher making her stressed and angry.
I became a teacher.
Payment deadlines got closer.

What does this mean?

- room with the size of bedroom is getting constant triple stimulation- the tv is on with my father who needs it on loud to hear.

-my mother is on loud keyboard playing games

-yet I'm expected to work at a living room table because it's warmer

-my parents talk to each other and if I don't listen to something 24/7 I hear them over the headphones

-because I'm here longer and trying to do many jobs and study and get my life back and workout, I have a lit less

space- Before I was able to use the shelf under the table, 1 cubbard of the open shelfs in the room, 1 tiny cabinet and 1 shelf in the wardrobe (there is no explanation why in a house where they store our old clothes of me and my brother, they live as well, they have multiple cabinets for other things but one wardrobe that has only enough space for one, scarecely 2 people, not 4...). Now that means that to mitigate the chaos I started rearranging the cabinet with my old school and university homework to free up space. Meanwhile the 1 cabinet shelf (imagine half shelf length) is now overflowing,, there is way too much stuff under the table, on the table where I also work a LOT of the time, and in the cabinet and around the cabinet and in all spaces possible. Also there is my backpack next to the couch/bed, bag I'm sorting our, 3 cardboard boxes in 2 rooms I'm sorting out and more. It's starting to look like the paper is multiplying tbh. And I'm an organizer at heart ever since I discovered it directly impacts my anxiety. The chaos is also making it hard to find what I need at the time that I need it.

-My mom is stressing about bills and the private classes she teaches so she forgets that she promised not to constantly ask what I'm doing, when will I be working and how will I gather enough money. While I have made a complex work plan, I am yet to schedule out the tasks. This leads to me getting overwhelmed by all my near and further debt I need to pay/bills to manage- and then I completely freeze and all the stimuli overwhelm and table chaos are TOO MUCH.

-This freeze state makes it impossible for me to actually do the work leading to short-circuit of ....well, ME. I don't work, I don't do enjoyable things, I avoid writing friends and then get more anxious about the longer and longer list of things to do... Also it leads to me being so frozen I can't leave the house, and I crave junk food. Still, not being able to work at a cafe because my mother got me that anxious is bigger problem than the other.

-deadlines are coming so I'm trying to pull myself out of freeze state to work on all the jobs I'm applying and developing from. The way everything is overflowing the only way I can manage overwhelm is to separate it in different notebooks and spaces, and as I said-things are starting to become hard to organize so if I need few of my notebooks and my keyboard and other things daily, the table is getting even more chaotic.

I just barely got used to everything. I don't feel capable to cope with cold and more stimuli and like 4 mini jobs to juggle while I am remote working.
One thing I will do today is open up 1 cabinet to manage the overflow, but imagine that cabine as just 1 square in the TV console with shelfs so, it will pretty much only be used just to divide all the drawing supplies and paper from notebooks and language textbooks and books I am currently reading/will be reading/brought from my previous apartment because I didn't want to throw them out yet.

If anyone else has any other advice let me know please.

Will review the whole thread soon and try to transfer every useful advice. I think writing this out made me realise why I was frozen all morning. Need to do something.

 

[Ecdysis]

Are you able to see a doctor where you are now? Do you have health insurance?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Are you able to see a doctor where you are now? Do you have health insurance?

I'm still with my parents but since I wasn't in the country my insurance has lapsed. They kept it for many years when I didn't need it and had private insurance where I was, but then when they let it lapse they didn't file paperwork that I'm away (so it won't keep rolling automatically by state law) so now if I want to use it I need to pay over 6 months of it, which is a lot more than even private doctor would cost.

Also I have to teach on Saturday, it's 1 class but it's something.

The only free care I have access to is if I need 72h hold, that's it. I don't want to have to get to that. I'm lower today but still not there. There has to be a way to help myself. Also I might be lower because I am just starting to work so I had to reduce my meds to lower dosage for few weeks exactly while I'm hormonal so that may have messed up my balance more than I realized.

All else I need too earn, which means, take better care of myself so I can earn enough. That's the bottom line. I need to be better for myself. This year is brutal but it is as it is.

I knew clawing out of this would take time. I should be more accepting I suppose...
@Ecdysis I didn't realise I sound that much in crisis mode?!

 

[Ecdysis]

I don't know about crisis mode, but if every day is such a massive struggle, then (assuming you're in a country with health-care/ doctors) then for me it's normal to see a Dr about getting a better anti-depressant, having thyroid levels checked, etc etc.

I realise that's not available/ not an option for everyone, but I don't think it should be "72 hour hold if in absolute crisis" or "you're on your own and have no support from a doctor"... There should be some middle ground...?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I don't know about crisis mode, but if every day is such a massive struggle, then (assuming you're in a country with health-care/ doctors) then for me it's normal to see a Dr about getting a better anti-depressant, having thyroid levels checked, etc etc.

I realise that's not available/ not an option for everyone, but I don't think it should be "72 hour hold if in absolute crisis" or "you're on your own and have no support from a doctor"... There should be some middle ground...?

The middle ground is insurance or the hot lines. Yes there should be a middle ground and I'll be honest, I assumed the middle ground here will be better than where I came from because of the European Union assumption. Even where I was there was a free option...which turned out worse after the pandemic, but it was something. But I have searched here and I can't seem to find resources other than suicide holiness and 1 clinic that does free assess for a hold, which then they provide. Every other place even online therapy is same price as a check up.

The only other middle ground is starting to take the meds at the dose I had them, assuming I will have enough funds to get a state but paid out of pocket check up in couple of weeks. But I do have one payment I have to make in 2 weeks so I have to pull myself together.

By the way I've checked my thyroid couple months back because I have few other symptoms physically but it just seemed on the lower end of normal. But for now I can't recheck any of that. Just need to hold out few weeks more.

I admit outright your comment freaked me out. Like if I sound like that, who knows if you're seeing something I'm not... I admit being home has not been much better before hence why it was last resort but here we are. So yes, I have to take care of myself for hopefully just few weeks more in terms of antidepressants and I hope afterwards I have more options. But your comment reminded me it's on me to do something more than just cope. Do what I did the last time it was all on me... use all self care tools I have (journal, yoga, meditation, strict routine each morning, walks outside, hobbies, no exceptions) to keep my mind in check.

The days that were better last week were those when I had a running to do list and kept working on something, whether it was 5min of language learning or something else. Then I got my period and my mood dipped, then the weather changed and I think I got triggered. ... and I was just getting hopeful Saturday-teaching for a first time was hopeful and happy... then everything dipped again. But I have to make it, even if it's on my own. Came too far to give up now.

 

[Ecdysis]

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to make you freak out!

I know medical systems are really different... I moved to my country of birth because the medical system there is really good, compared to where I was living... I can't imagine being on this journey without adequate medical support. But I know hundreds of millions of people around the world cope/ struggle with exactly that.

Anyway, I hope you can get as much support - and as many breaks from family life - as you can!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Ecdysis Sadly I've never lived in a country with adequate medical support which may explain a lot. When I was well it was either because I was paying for my own support or I was micromanaging myself as it was the only option.

But I've managed before. I just have to hold out a little more. It shouldn't be, but it is all on me right now. But it was worse when I had rent and food to pay on top of the rest, so... I just have to be strong.