Constantly triggering environment?

[SeekingAfrica]

Does one eventually adapt and WHEN?
I am here nearly a month, and used ways to adapt/or be outside which lead to being agoraphobic again on occasion which isn't great...
When am I supposed to actually be accepting and not knot of anxiety?

Here is why... some of it:

1. My parents shut down the topic of mental health so I have to swallow down my feelings. I have really bad days on occasion and my mom's advise would probably be that while you can feel like that you have to just get over it.

2. They are so unorganized and I can't change much in the environment but the clutter bothers me

3. They are old so when the TV is on, 70% of the day it's too loud and I have to ne on headphones. There are moments in between when the tv is on but on mute, so they don't have to search the channel and that bothers me too, constant picture in my periphery

4. I sleep in the living room. My father goes to bed at 10:30. Early enough but sometimes I am too exhausted of anxiety and want to just go to bed whenever, and I can, but still with light and TV on.

5. Many things in the environment trigger my oldest trauma which is the only one I never dealt fully with

6. Even though part of me knows they won't throw me out their crass approach to my depression makes me feel they would

7. I know using the quiet parts of the day to work would be best but after constant triggers it's my one restful time

8. Their approach to things triggers me,they always seem like they are about to miss the bus to work even though they are retired( doing things only fast and chaotic like they are running late for something....

9. I feel in control of very little in that environment but I'm too triggered to bother with too much change ....(not in order, that 8s a l9st cause,but in cooking for example)

10. All my work stuff are already triggering this year and with all else it's like my anxiety cup is 2 anxiety cups that are still constantly overflowing ....

This year was so impossibly hard and I feel like I'm in generally sensitive and everything here makes it worse. There are days when both being inside or outside is triggering.



I know I should be greatful I have them to take me in, and I am, but - for theirs and my sake how do I move beyond just being here and attempting baby steps ?? I might have asked this before. Honestly living here is like being in groundhog day and time has just stopped andit stays the same... sorry....

 

[Midnightmoon]

Gosh I can't believe it's been a month! I'm still waving the flag for baby steps here because realistically it's the only way to go. Trying to jump in and change everything in one go will overwhelm and exhaust you.

It's hard, without anything else attached, to move in with other people with their own ways of doing things and general quirks, then throw in trauma history and you've got a whole lot of *urgh* to contend with. I'm not sure how much you just need to be heard and how much you are looking for practical suggestions. So, if it's about being seen, stop reading here, and know that you are doing really well, even though it doesn't feel like it, you are ,and these baby steps, even thinking about doing baby steps, is progress.

Practically:

* I'd stop trying to talk to parents about your MH, they don't appear to be able to understand and it's reinforcing your negative self image. I'd try and use here, or other support forums, friends, helplines etc. My spider senses tell me that this has something to do with it:

Their approach to things triggers me,they always seem like they are about to miss the bus to work even though they are retired( doing things only fast and chaotic like they are running late for something....

Anxiety 101, perhaps not comfortable in even acknowledging it, so they don't want to even think about MH... Because it's probably a bit too close to home.

*Sleep- eye mask/ earbuds/ headphones with a soothing playlist rather than the TV background?

*TV at home, I'd work at the other places you've found as much as possible, when not possible I'd physically position yourself away from the TV (even if that means sitting in the other direction)

feel in control of very little in that environment but I'm too triggered to bother with too much change ....(not in order, that 8s a l9st cause,but in cooking for example)

When I became disabled and lost control of my limbs and half of my gastric system control was a huge thing for me. So it was about what I could be in control of. On days it was tiny. It was the fact I could pick a blue straw as supposed to a green one, or the colour of my damn socks. But every tiny decision reminds your brain you have these skills, they're in you, and you just need that time and space and gentleness with yourself to get them back again.

Bit by bit

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Midnightmoon it's both about practical and being seen or heard as being without my apartment and ballet and support system nearby I feel like I'm disappearing.

Some days there is so much in me that I want to scream and the outlets I have are so not working, my usual daily coping needs to be kicked up a notch to match this, like I'm coping 20% and I need to cope say 70-80%...

Practical tips come in the picture because otherwise I'll drawn... to be on my own I need income, to get to income I need to be productive hence no matter the situation I HAVE to find how to regulate myself back into a functional human being.

Any more practical tips? I got myself into shutdown today, it was that bad. I had a big of cash left and wanted to renew my self soothing kit but everything is up because of the inflation and I only got tea(only to use in special cases). The rest I have left is meant for jewelry supplies though I've had it for a week and haven't ordered yet.

And this creates other issues.

Like, journaling and collaging on paper would help, but just as cooking it's hard to find will when my cup is sooooo beyond overflowing. Printing wishboard on thick paper for the wall would help but I need 2 buses just to get to color printing, yet another thing that gets harder with time, the distance to the city center and cafes one can work with, stores with the things I need and color printing.

Like I want to scream but I'm hiding laying with a blanket on the couch. Between sciatica and PTSD and anxiety I'm so not coping today. It's taken me this month to even start to shake off the months of being scared of losing my apartment and having dark thoughts. Also now we are 3 ppl in the living room, my parents are talking the tv is on, the computer is on with some card game and I'm going to blow up but I can't move.... I'm a mess...

 

[Muttly]

Oof that is a lot and really hard. I think adapt is a process and there is probably bits of adaption that have already happened but it's easy to miss when so much is overwhelming.

I know using the quiet parts of the day to work would be best but after constant triggers it's my one restful time

I am not good at taking my own advice here, but I think the focus shouldn't be on work but on rest and recovery. If you can let go of the expectation that you will get things done when it's quiet it might take some pressure off you.

Do you have any space you can call your own? I don't mean a room, but like a table or part of a wall or something? For me, even having that tiny space that I could organize and control sometimes helps when I feel I can't control anything in my environment. The other thing I've done, is maybe silly but I've had things (right now it's a special rock) in my pocket that are *mine* and I use them to help focus and ground me. So even when the environment is too cluttered and loud, I can reach in and touch it and feel that bit of stability.

 

[Midnightmoon]

So something I'm doing with my OT at the minute is a huge spider diagram of everything humans need. Not need in the sense of food and water (but those are there too) but need as in connection and stability etc etc. Then we've wrote down things that might help with that need. It's the most ridiculous diagram, overwhelming and vast, but also helped me get it all out. (Well, getting, it's being done in stages because I'm a bugger for floating off)

Anyway, then I pick a thing, any thing, and focus all my energy onto said one thing, to make the situation a tiny bit better. So maybe for you that's finding a small space of your own like Muttly says, or find some crafting stuff to journal with (paper and pen will do and old flyers and circulars, doesnt need to be fancy), or somatic movement or a mini ballet exercise set on YouTube, whatever. And that is then the tiny goal. Does it change the bigger picture, no, but does it give a sense of progress/ control hell yes.

I'm really really not the world's biggest fan of alphabet therapies but behavioural activation is a pretty useful strategy for this. I try and do it anyway, no matter how crap I feel, no matter how adament I'm sure it'll do nothing for me. Sitting in panic doesn't help me either so trying a tiny change gives at least my brain the opportunity to try a different option. 9 times out of 10 I get something out of it

 

[arfie]

Honestly living here is like being in groundhog day and time has just stopped andit stays the same... sorry....

the living-with-parents conundrum is a problem i have no experience with. i wasn't an orphan, but my parental units were not an entitlement option and this syndrome was not available to me. my sibs-in-healing who have chosen this option make me grateful to be a parentless child. the groundhog day analogy does look quite apropos and i have heard it often. as i recall the movie, bill murray broke the spell by using those unending repetitions to improve himself in areas which require much repetitive practice. just saying by way of flaunting my ignorance. for sure, i have listened to many sibs-in-healing, as well as my own sons, make living with parents look like a preview of hell. that preview of hell was no funner on my side of the entitlement dance.

i encountered the rest of your detractors in the homeless shelters, volunteer centers and military options which were available to me, with no entitlement to better treatment from mommy and daddy. i coped by keeping my eye on the prize and using those unending repetitions to improve myself in areas which require much repetitive practice.

the honor of having hosts is a different story, entirely. whatever the quirks of my hosts, i never criticize their lifestyle choices and continually look for ways to pitch in and help out. i'm not here to judge, folks. your way is the right way every time in the home you have opened to me. i feel morally obligated to increase my social distance on the days their quirks are driving me up a proverbial wall. it is not THEIR problem.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@arfie I was all ready to do whatever to make up for the situation I put them in, I was motivated until 2 days in we had those talks about mental health and me not complaining to them, and me gaining weight and being generally loser at this time. You know the one. Never felt so alone with exception of being traumatized an ocean away from everyone 14 years ago (and it doesn't feek like 14!!!). I think ever since then I'm too triggered to be useful and only helped automatically when asked to whereas my mom wants me to help without being asked, but again,need to drag myself to a functional state for that.

Honestly there are times when biting my tongue has been of no consequence. But since I'm a little deserted of friends in this city, not being able to be honest with those I live with triggers the first months after I had ptsd and thought if I just make it until I'm back at uni with my friends the world will become normal again.

And when I was little I had to keep the secrets of my abuser. So keeping mental health to myself is...touchy. there aren't many homeless shelters around where I am, I never had consistent jobs for benefits like credits but I survived as I was lucky on people I meet(well, also very unlucky in the trauma instances so it's balanced I suppose).

The groundhog day comes to mind because I have some issue with faith or reality? I was very afraid and stuck in trauma at home, and depressed... and when i went to uni i reinvented myself, decided to fight for goals, changed everything about me. And every time i talked to my parents i had to once again be my mom's emotional support, tell her anything and everything be fine and listen to her tellme everything wrong in their life. And like...Like the 2 times I took leave of absence from university I felt like somehow all the great friends and classes and library and fitness and things I didn't have access to due to poverty in my real life would somehow melt and disappear if I'm away. I was dep4essed the first time, already had ptsd the second time.

So without ballet, my close friends but in person, my apartment, or any exact return date, and being stuck in 1 room 80% of the day, having entirely different schedule and food and language even....my life there, even with chats with friends, starts to feel a bit like a dream I made up that will melt the more I'm here and losing my ballet muscles and forgetting how to talk and needing 2 buses to get anywhere. So I close myself out of fear that everything in my surrounding will make the last decade of my life fade away more,my best friend/not _related sister, the concerts and tulldpe skirts, the rivers where you can feed swans, all my people...I'm scared all the demands of this world will make my goal of returning fade more which makes taking action harder... did that make sense?? I feel like being there is the me I want to be but being here it starts looking like a dream somehow...

Was there a term? Is this like a thing, like depersonalization or something? Or is it just being homesick? Whatever it is is making me freeze and do nothing hence repeating the same triggered day...

Honestly just realized all that as I was writing it. I'm just afraid all the things I build for a decade will melt like sugar the longer I'm here and also if I have to be here, the more I'm not in control of more and more here...

It's like I'm being erased. All the years at home were me suppressing and hiding being g molested, being bullied and I've only expressed my character more away from home when I could, uni, this decade, and being at home I fade and not talking about what I'm going through or being in control makes it worse.

I just now realized all this....I'll answer the other comments later, this is long already...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Muttly yeah, I need something. I have tiny bits where my things are scattered now, but because this time I came with 2 trunks- the space I usually take now looks cluttered too... I'm trying to improve things, it's j7st so much work for things that should be given. I can't just make space, each chunk of space I need to free first, meaning discuss where stuff can go temporarily.

Also if you remember my parents opened some space to work in the kitchen.... also my parents- use every free surface in the kitchen for something, veggies, fruit, spices, drying seeds from the garden, appliances, meds, water, radio, yarn, everything. So even a plastic bin I have there with jewelry supplies now also has fruit bowl and something else on it so it feels like a constant fight. To me. I think they don't notice the clutter. Different people. But I'm too exhausted to function normally so adding that on is affecting me.

I like the idea of carrying something. That's why i wanted to make anxiety kit (self soothing things for all senses, happy memories pics, affirmations).... but hasn't managed yet. I want to print some stuff but need to prepare files, set aside money, go to the city center to print, and so on to be able to put on the wall. But I do have to think of something however long or short I stay here. I need to remember who I am in obvious way, daily, like on the wall.(I have permission to use those tacky squares to put pics up that won't damage the wall)).

@Midnightmoon I like the pyramid of needs idea as I am currently lacking in both connection and stability... ironically when I didn't have basic needs cover, my connections were blooming. I came here to build,d stability, but I can't if my mental health takes a dive...

I don't know in making a pyramid of needs what would be the solutions, but I'm guessing Google will know, research task, I like those.

I also like something small as a goal because my life bloomed the most when I first discovered ballet and wanted to get my splits, so I was stretching and doing pictures daily and I saw small improvements,mini improvements literally daily, in a stretch or a move, or how tired I am after, and it was super inspiring and motivating... I need something like that, maybe unrelated to income so it doesn't make me anxiously, something to fill my burnt empty batteries, something unconnected to my current reality,...something to fill me up, recharge me...

I just...need something to give me life force and help me not feel like I'm fading...
P.s. this thread is bringing more realisations and reflections than expected...

 

[arfie]

I'm just afraid all the things I build for a decade will melt like sugar

here in agricultural north america there is a popular field hand saying that only two things melt in the rain; shit and sugar. which are you?

while i let go of the psychotic dysfunctions that hold me prisoner in ptsd hell, i often wonder which is melting away. more and more, i feel like my sweet parts are safe and sound in nature's protective shell. it be the other which is melting away.

just sharing. . . just believing. . .

 

[sidptitala]

God, @SeekingAfrica, I have felt almost everything you are feeling here when I ended up back with my parents a few years ago. There's a lot of things that it took moving out again for me to actually heal from because living in the environment where you were abused with those who did it and enabled it was a A LOT.

But as much as it wasn't healing, I look back on it and see that is was necessary, for this reason:

Even though part of me knows they won't throw me out their crass approach to my depression makes me feel they would

This is the total opposite of how things have been for you in the past while. A roof over your head where you can be reasonably certain that you won't get thrown out- you need that so much even when it means you can't deal with or heal from anything else. You need to rest, and give yourself permission to not do much of anything for a certain period of time. It won't be forever.

For me when this happened, I think I slept for about 6 weeks at the start. Then I kind of panicked that I would be like this forever, that my whole life away was erased and I was a child again. In this panic I started reaching out for help and ended up with a short term counsellor for the first ever time- who told me that the life I had built away could never be erased and was something I could still build on after I had rested- and that was true. Even though I lived in that country for a few years again, the life I built for myself still existed and I had all this wisdom, know-how, resources- that we did not have when we were children who couldn't keep ourselves safe. You still have all of those things. Even if you sleep for 3 months you will have them when you wake up. Please give yourself permission to rest and don't be hard on yourself about it!

Here are some things that really helped me to cope with living in that environment (after accepting that number 0- I needed to rest and should not feel guilty about it!) :

1. First and most importantly, I agree with @Midnightmoon- don't try to talk to your parents about how you feel. Change the subject if they raise it, or physically walk away

2. Try not to be for your parents what they are not for you- don't listen patiently when you are not listened to. I would also leave the house, change the subject etc

3. Try to find one outside of the house, in person social-ish activity that will allow you to acknowledge your feelings. At first my only trips outside were to go to a support group for depressed people and it was the one place where I could acknowledge that how I was feeling was how I was feeling. Even though I was the only person there with PTSD, it helped.

4. Try to find affordable counselling through a community group, church, whatever you can find. Even small courses about confidence or personal development are better than nothing.

5

But every tiny decision reminds your brain you have these skills, they're in you, and you just need that time and space and gentleness with yourself to get them back again.

My parents also lived at the edge of a city. I got a cheap, broken bike and that probably helped more than anything else. You need to remind yourself you can make decisions by making them- and a bike is a great way to do this. I could leave home whenever I wanted to no matter how broke I was, I could (and did) vary my route home literally because I decided to in the moment. I never had to depend on the bus timetable or anyone to pick me up from anywhere. I always knew I could escape and also saw my fitness, muscles and stamina improve so much. I got to know the city a lot better than when I took the bus and it helped me feel like an adult, alive, capable and tired enough to sleep even when my environment gave literally none of those things.

6. Try to carve out some quiet time for yourself by staying out until parents are in bed, getting up super early, going out all day- whatever can be done.

Lastly I just want to say that the part of you that loves connection and ballet and creativity will come back. And will come back so much brighter, stronger and more powerful once you have your basic needs securely met. Those are the bottom rung of the hierarchy of needs and that needs to be taken seriously. This is the chapter of your life that lays the groundwork for a comeback, and you will come back. I can see from your posts how much determination and grit you have- one day you will be able to dedicate all of that to something bigger than survival. But surviving is the unavoidable first step.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@sidptitala literally crying over every point you made because of how close you got it. In a good way but it's a hard day and you wrote all this and I started crying.

I've done a lot these few years but this year, this summer, the eviction, feels l crossed a line that changed me as a person. Hasn't happened in a while but this move now, today it gave me that familiar PTSD feeling like looking back at a memory of mine and feels like it was a different person. Random, normal memory. Like life got split in 2 again and I know everything has changed but I can't see how yet. I just know something has changed irrevokably and I want to cry til my ribs hurt.
I know I need to survive first but my mind is a mess...

 

[sidptitala]

life got split in 2 again and I know everything has changed but I can't see how yet. I just know something has changed irrevokably and I want to cry til my ribs hurt.

Yeah, I know this feeling too. (It hurts, but I'm still here and that counts for something. Years ago I read a Haitian saying that 'nou led nou la'- 'we are ugly but we are here' and I really take it as a motto about surviving and how much of an achievement that will seem like once it's a memory and not everyday life. Now that I managed to leave again I'm impressed I survived at all).

Sending you hugs because you are really not alone.